Sunday, July 25, 2010

Rain on my mind

Hello readers! It's 7:51 PM, and I'm writing this from my living room.

Thank you to those of you that commented with your thoughts on the whole lucid dreaming subject, and I must say... you guys are better people than I am. Both of the commenters who touched on the topic of dream walking stated that they wouldn't be comfortable with going into someone else's dream... I feel differently on the matter, but we'll get to that.

If I were to have a lucid dream tonight, I'd probably get really creative. I'd mess with the physics of everything, just like Inception. I'd throw in Joseph Gordon-Levitt for good measure.

As for dreamwalking, I'm afraid I lack the strong moral fiber that my commenters seem to have. Of course I'd enter someone else's dreams, given the chance. I'd do good things, like getting inside Amy's head and conjuring up Jake Gyllenhaal for her. Or I'd go tell Vanilla Ice's subconscious to fall in love with me. And I'd really really like the chance to get inside Posh Spice's head and give him a piece of my mind, literally. I think I'd have too much fun inside his head, actually. So it's probably a good thing that I'm not likely to start dreamwalking any time soon. Haha.

I really want Amy and Andrew to date.


And I've discussed it with both of them multiple times. Amy's all for it, which is surprising because as far as dating and romance goes, Amy always has her guard up. She has this wall. But not with him. The two of them have this great chemistry together, and Amy is the exact opposite of Andrew's psycho ex (no exaggeration here), and just... Andrew needs someone that's not going to rush him into anything, someone that has her own life and her own priorities, someone that has awesome taste in music, someone that's beautiful and funny and shares his sense of humor. THAT SOMEONE IS AMY.

Every time I've discussed it with Andrew, he can never really argue with me. I've told him everything stated above, and he admits that all of that is true. But he keeps saying, "I want to be single right now", which is kind of a lie because he's been mildly pursuing this brainless bimbo (upon meeting me and Amy, this girl actually said, "oh my god it's like real life Tumblr!" ...what?) but still, I can understand wanting to be single, or whatever, because I'm in that same boat.

But honestly? He needs to pull his head out of his rear end, and seize the opportunity while he can. Amy won't wait around for him forever, and I can already see it playing out. Amy will find someone else who isn't a completely stubborn douche-master, and he'll feel like an idiot and regret not listening to me.

Or maybe I'm completely wrong. I probably don't have any idea what's best for these two people and I should probably stay out of it.

I sometimes focus on the romantic problems of those around me to distract myself from my own failure of a love-life... Hah.

I'm just doing the same thing I always do. Devoting all my romantic attention to someone completely unattainable, even though I know it will never go anywhere. And maybe that's a good thing, because if it never goes anywhere, I can't get hurt, right...?

That's a lie. Because one time, I did attain one of those unattainable boys. After months and months of him using me and hurting me and telling me repeatedly that he didn't want a relationship, I finally got Posh Spice to give in. I don't know how, but I did. And then guess what. He hurt me.

And sometimes I feel like a terrible person, because I have a history for pining over "perfect" guys who will never give me the same kind of attention (Vanilla Ice), or the complete jerks (Posh Spice). And I use the same dumb excuses every single time. "Oh, no one could ever measure up to him!" or "Nobody could possibly get me like he does!", it's always the same song and dance. But that doesn't make me a bad person, that just makes me stupid.

What makes me a terrible person is that the whole time, there is always some perfectly nice boy (or boys!) in the background, who would totally give me a chance, who I know would treat me like gold and there's nothing ever wrong with them. And what do I do? I step all over them. I never give them the chance they deserve. I hurt them. Just friends. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????? LIKE. REALLY.

This is why it's better that I'm single. I'm too messed up. Hahaha.

My belief in "true love" and "soul mates" and especially, the institution of marriage, has been shaky since I was a little girl. I grew up with four different stepdads. When I was little, I thought people were SUPPOSED to get married and divorced several times throughout their lifetimes, once every two years or so. I guess I thought you were supposed to set up franchises or something. I remember being four years old, moving into a new neighborhood and meeting a little girl a few years older than I was and being really confused when I realized that she lived with both of her parents, in one house, and she didn't have any stepparents.

I mean, I'm sure there are some people that are really lucky, they're wired a certain way, and they're capable of maintaing a stable, happy (relatively), monogamous relationship, and then they're lucky enough to meet someone else who is really lucky and wired the same way, and then they go off and have a comfortable life together. Happily ever after, the works.

But, for most people it doesn't work that way. I mean, half the marriages today end in divorce, and who knows how many of the other fifty percent are actually happy? It just seems like such a far-fetched concept to me.

The logical side of me knows that love is just some random hormone fueled brain activity programmed into us with the intention of continuing the species. Logically, someone always gets hurt. Something goes wrong. One person grows tired of the other, the passion dies out, someone starts seeing someone else. Something. People end up staying together for the kids, or for the money, or for the familiarity.

And even if everything goes right, even if no one leaves, someone has to die first.

I'm depressing.

But then again... I'm still a teenage girl. And I still want to believe that it's possible, that it's possible for me, and that when I'm seventy years old, I'm going to be with someone whose stood by my side for years, and remembers what I was when I was young and beautiful, and still sees me that way.

Side note: I still take up issue with marriage as an government institution though. It's outdated and leftover from the days of women as property, and if I had my way, the government would have no business in our love lives whatsoever and we could have anybody in the hospital room that we pleased. I think that marriage should really be eliminated as a government thing altogether, and be replaced with civil unions, basically, so that people could still declare their partnership and get tax breaks and adopt kids and get a green card and whatever else. And if people still want to head on down to the church, wear the white dress and the tux and have it be recognized that way, then that's their prerogative, they should have every right to do so. Tradition is important. But that's also my solution to the gay marriage debate as well. That way a gay couple has the same exact rights and legal standing as a straight couple, and if the fundamentalists want to continue being assholes, it doesn't make a difference. YAY FOR SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE. -end nonsensical marriage rant-

Anyway. Back on topic. I really don't mean to be cynical when it comes to love, and if I brought any of you readers down... then I'm truly sorry. I know what it's like to be blissfully in love and to feel like it's going to last forever. I also know the soul-crushing darkness and pain of heartbreak, all too well. But after all, I'm only seventeen. There's plenty of time for me to figure it all out. Maybe someone will prove me wrong.

Alright. Time for me to take my angst elsewhere. Love you guys!


  1. I know what you mean. Ive grown up the same way you have and I dont even know how people can be in love actually (since ive never experienced it) so i just believe that being in love is impossible. I just dont get it.

  2. hi bree!
    i just wanted to say i researched lucid dreaming a bit and i've never been more fascinated with something in my entire life. i'm going to try using a dream journal and writing an "a" on my palm and doing reality checks. i'm super excited :D
    secondly, i honestly can't relate to what you're saying with relationships because i've never had the upper hand with guys... always crushing and never getting crushed on. but you're not stupid, you're just 17. whatever happens, in the end it'll all work out even if you turn out to be a super butch lesbian with a biker chick girlfriend. that was weird. alright. bye.
    lots of love,

  3. love is complicated. i do believe that there can be a happily ever after even after spending the rest of their lives together. and yeah, someone needs to die first, but that's just a natural thing that's going to happen no matter what. so it's just something that needs to be accepted. and the love from the person who died gave to their partner can help them still go on until it happens to be their turn to pass away too. but anyway, i'm just a 16 girl, so like you, i still have a lot of time to grow and figure more things out. but either way, i still want to believe in my happily ever after fairytale world.
    & i agree with your part of what the government should stay out of and should be in. marriage should be allowed for anyone and accepted by all. i'm such a big supporter for gay rights. i don't believe the government should take control of marriages and such like that, cause to me, marriage is based off of emotion. so i don't get why the government is regulating which couples are able to express emotion in that way. emotion isn't something that should be controlled. i don't understand the world sometimes. but anyway, i just love you and still idolize you, more than i have before due to these personal blogs. <3 i also hope for the best for you and your friends. :D

  4. i've been reading your blogs for a while now, but i didn't realise i could comment.. hah. i don't really know what to say on the subject of love, it can be so complicated that i don't even dare try to make sense of it all. i think it's just one of those things that you have to figure out as you go along, life is one big experience in my opinion. there will be different people that come and go, but i'd also like to believe i will have a happy ending with someone who i've known for years and knows me like no other.
    i'm not sure if my comment really makes much sense, but i figured i'd just say hello :) i really enjoy your blogs bree, you're awesome.

  5. I think peoples opinion of love and marriage always depend on if theyre parents are still together or what not. Mine are still together and I believe in love and marriage but I know that my best friend doesnt cause her parents are split.
    But you are defintly right in saying most marriages end in divorce, too many of my friends parents are split. But I would just like to live in hope that I'm going to be in that small percent of couples that stay together!