Many of you have commented saying that you feel "creepy" reading these blogs. Which is something I fail to understand. Because I take great joy from reading all of your comments and messages and input and advice and stories. I do. I pretty much thrive off of it, and if it weren't for you guys I'm not so sure I'd still be writing in this as religiously as I do. You are the opposite of creepy. You are caring and wonderful and I am in love with you. I can't get past the fact that so many complete strangers actually care enough about me and what I have to say enough to take the time out of their day and read my ramblings and pointless stories. The only other people in the world that listen to me like that are my real life best friends.
And this concept applies to the rest of my internet presence as well. The friends I've made on YouTube are some of the most entertaining, fascinating and beautiful people I've ever met. And the mere fact that I have the ability to reach almost 8,000 people each week via FTFK is amazing to me. I still can't entirely wrap my head around it. It just goes to show that our generation, even with its flaws (and there are many, many flaws), is so special. The majority of my viewers and followers are young girls between the ages of 13-17 (thanks, YouTube Insight!) and through reading all of their comments and messages and watching their video responses I've realized what a great group of supporters that I (and the rest of FTFK of course) have behind me.
My day was uneventful. I'm still sick, but on top of that I've got some major stomach pain going on. So I've been doing a whole lot of nothing all day long.
I texted Posh Spice. And said some things I felt needed to be said... Nothing mean. Just... things. I told him how I wish that we could be a part of each other's lives somehow in the future. Even though that will, most likely, never happen, and that's really okay. The thought is still there. Even though we can't talk to each other as it stands without it ending as a screaming match, and even though he did some terrible things, and I said some terrible things, there is a small part of me that wishes we could start over from scratch. Like, wipe the slate clean and give everything a second shot. Even if it meant just being friends. Because we were BEST friends. Two people couldn't be closer than Posh Spice and I were, even before we dated.
If both our minds got wiped clean of each other, Eternal Sunshine style, and we just so happened to meet again the next day, I firmly believe things would go much, much differently. And in a good way. Mostly because I have grown up so much in the past couple of months. I'm not the self-destructive, self-harming little girl I was when we were together. That's not to say there's not still work to be done, but I have come incredibly far.
However. I'm not naive enough to believe I'll ever actually get that second chance. Things have been screwed up too much, my trust in him has been broken beyond repair, and his view of me is permanently fixed in the wrong place. It's still a nice thought.
Anyway. I told him some of these things, I apologized for some stuff and I cleared up some Formspring drama (that's all that site is, really, but I keep it around because my fabulous YouTube viewers actually ask legitimate questions). His responses were kept to a minimum, just a few words each, they were polite and acknowledged that he read what I wrote but didn't actually say anything, if that makes sense. And I definitely do not blame him.
All wishful thinking aside, he's going to go his way in life, and I'm going to go my way. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's better this way. There's no danger of either of us holding the other back. There's more room for new life experiences and new people. And things are going wonderfully for me right now, everything in my life is working in perfect synchronicity and there are no holes. I occasionally think of him from time to time, but there's not this giant gaping void in my life where he used to be, like it was when we first split. This is how things should be.
I know this is a big change from my usual "POSH SPICE IS SUCH AN ASS HE DID THIS TO ME AND THIS TO ME AND THIS TO ME AND HE JUST SUCKS AS A HUMAN BEING" content but hey. When you love someone, you look past their flaws and see only the good. I'm definitely not saying I still love him, but I am saying that that effect still remains. In some ways, that last sentence was a lie. There are small parts of me that are still in love with him, but I think it's just partly me being in love with the memory of him and partly me remembering what it was like to love him. He was my "first love", so I suppose that's to be expected. Anyone that's been in a similar situation probably knows exactly what I'm talking about.
Ah. Thanks for letting me let this out, guys. I'll return to my regular blogging content tomorrow evening. I have big plans for tomorrow and it should be really really fun, so I'm going to spend the rest of tonight trying to get better. I love you guys, a whole lot.
Weight: 110.0 Sigh. Should've known it would go back up after what I consumed last night. It was worth it though.
Twitter followers: Twitter won't load, for whatever reason. So I'm not sure.
Why today is awesome: Don't let today's melancholy blog entry fool you, I still feel great about... everything. It's like I have a life hangover. And I could not be happier.