Thursday, July 8, 2010

Happily Ever After

A million thank you's for my commenters, Misty, Alycia, Megan, Rebecca, Sabrina, Elz, Kaelin, and Ashley, for sharing yesterday's happiness and contentment with me. It means a lot.

Many of you have commented saying that you feel "creepy" reading these blogs. Which is something I fail to understand. Because I take great joy from reading all of your comments and messages and input and advice and stories. I do. I pretty much thrive off of it, and if it weren't for you guys I'm not so sure I'd still be writing in this as religiously as I do. You are the opposite of creepy. You are caring and wonderful and I am in love with you. I can't get past the fact that so many complete strangers actually care enough about me and what I have to say enough to take the time out of their day and read my ramblings and pointless stories. The only other people in the world that listen to me like that are my real life best friends.

And this concept applies to the rest of my internet presence as well. The friends I've made on YouTube are some of the most entertaining, fascinating and beautiful people I've ever met. And the mere fact that I have the ability to reach almost 8,000 people each week via FTFK is amazing to me. I still can't entirely wrap my head around it. It just goes to show that our generation, even with its flaws (and there are many, many flaws), is so special. The majority of my viewers and followers are young girls between the ages of 13-17 (thanks, YouTube Insight!) and through reading all of their comments and messages and watching their video responses I've realized what a great group of supporters that I (and the rest of FTFK of course) have behind me.

My day was uneventful. I'm still sick, but on top of that I've got some major stomach pain going on. So I've been doing a whole lot of nothing all day long.

I texted Posh Spice. And said some things I felt needed to be said... Nothing mean. Just... things. I told him how I wish that we could be a part of each other's lives somehow in the future. Even though that will, most likely, never happen, and that's really okay. The thought is still there. Even though we can't talk to each other as it stands without it ending as a screaming match, and even though he did some terrible things, and I said some terrible things, there is a small part of me that wishes we could start over from scratch. Like, wipe the slate clean and give everything a second shot. Even if it meant just being friends. Because we were BEST friends. Two people couldn't be closer than Posh Spice and I were, even before we dated.

If both our minds got wiped clean of each other, Eternal Sunshine style, and we just so happened to meet again the next day, I firmly believe things would go much, much differently. And in a good way. Mostly because I have grown up so much in the past couple of months. I'm not the self-destructive, self-harming little girl I was when we were together. That's not to say there's not still work to be done, but I have come incredibly far.

However. I'm not naive enough to believe I'll ever actually get that second chance. Things have been screwed up too much, my trust in him has been broken beyond repair, and his view of me is permanently fixed in the wrong place. It's still a nice thought.

Anyway. I told him some of these things, I apologized for some stuff and I cleared up some Formspring drama (that's all that site is, really, but I keep it around because my fabulous YouTube viewers actually ask legitimate questions). His responses were kept to a minimum, just a few words each, they were polite and acknowledged that he read what I wrote but didn't actually say anything, if that makes sense. And I definitely do not blame him.

All wishful thinking aside, he's going to go his way in life, and I'm going to go my way. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's better this way. There's no danger of either of us holding the other back. There's more room for new life experiences and new people. And things are going wonderfully for me right now, everything in my life is working in perfect synchronicity and there are no holes. I occasionally think of him from time to time, but there's not this giant gaping void in my life where he used to be, like it was when we first split. This is how things should be.

I know this is a big change from my usual "POSH SPICE IS SUCH AN ASS HE DID THIS TO ME AND THIS TO ME AND THIS TO ME AND HE JUST SUCKS AS A HUMAN BEING" content but hey. When you love someone, you look past their flaws and see only the good. I'm definitely not saying I still love him, but I am saying that that effect still remains. In some ways, that last sentence was a lie. There are small parts of me that are still in love with him, but I think it's just partly me being in love with the memory of him and partly me remembering what it was like to love him. He was my "first love", so I suppose that's to be expected. Anyone that's been in a similar situation probably knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Ah. Thanks for letting me let this out, guys. I'll return to my regular blogging content tomorrow evening. I have big plans for tomorrow and it should be really really fun, so I'm going to spend the rest of tonight trying to get better. I love you guys, a whole lot.

Weight: 110.0 Sigh. Should've known it would go back up after what I consumed last night. It was worth it though.
Twitter followers: Twitter won't load, for whatever reason. So I'm not sure.
Why today is awesome: Don't let today's melancholy blog entry fool you, I still feel great about... everything. It's like I have a life hangover. And I could not be happier.


  1. awh, you know what, I'm so glad, you texting him just showed the level of maturity you have reached :) I hate the way people use the anonymous button to cause war. I never understand how people get off on it. But I'm so happy for you right now. Maybe some day the slates can be cleaned :) but if not, thats okay too :) your the best

  2. Connie here, i actually read all of your blogs and never really commented. but i understand what you are saying completely and i get joy out of reading about your life and your opinions.

  3. that's really cool. i dig that you're saying this, and it takes a lot of guts. but above all, i think i have even more respect for you for getting these things out of the way. way to go. :)

    and you're right; our generation, while messed up, is also incredible. i still find it hard to believe that somebody from america can see what i'm typing literally seconds after i've typed it.

    i've made lots of friends from youtube aswell. haha, i made friends with people about 30 minutes from me, so that's pretty good cause i get to see them a lot, but then i've also got friends from other places i can talk to on skype and send letters to and what not. (and because of youtube, i get to read your blogs!) the internet is an incredible place. <3

  4. I know the feeling so well Bree, whether or not Posh Spice did horrible things to you (and from my view he probably did), I know the pain a relationship can cause. My last boyfriend of a year did unspeakable things but I can never fully let him go because some part of me still loves him. People say it's sick and I'm just inflicting pain upon myself but it's not that I think things will change. I just can't help being in love with those tiny moments where he made me smile. Kind of like my post on tumblr, there's always that one person you can never let go. I'm glad that you feel that way about followers, commenters, ect... People do care because you are such a wonderful person. Obviously the situation with Posh Spice made you grow up and make changes for the better. So really, who could blame you for feeling a little bit in love with him, if he inspired such things within you, even though it may have hurt you. Without him you may still be going down a negative path of self-destructive nature. Writing this comment
    made me realize some things about my past relationship and I hope I can take the good from it as well. I think we are friends on facebook ( and it would mean a lot if you read Copaface or Massacre of Butterflies in my notes. My poetry is how I get my story out, kind of like your blog, and it talks about my relationships with my ex and mom which maybe you could relate to? I hope you happiness lasts. :)

  5. i'm glad that you aren't just always looking on the bad stuff that happened between you and posh. texting him to just clear up some things shows how strong of a person you are and how you're not going to keep just a bad view of him. i mean, i understand that he did some mean things to you in the past, but looking past those things sometimes like this helps. posh did some poop head things, but i'm also glad that you're able to have this contact with him sometimes. it's good to get things out. if you never talked to him again, then maybe you'd just keep so much to yourself and end up regretting some of it. i have such a love/hate relationship with how i feel about posh spice now. i don't like him at all since he hurt you before, but he also helped you grow as a person.
    also, i think that love doesn't always go away like how you expressed in this blog. of course you don't love him the same exact way as before, but maybe just still pieces of love will last because of those memories and such. having a person be such a big part of your life like that tends to cause that to happen, so it's not necessarily a bad thing in the end. but anyway, i'm glad that you're still happy even after posting this melancholy blog. :]

  6. I have been in the exact situation. Well, I am in one now.
    We've been apart for 2 years now, but some part of me is still in love with him.
    Sigh.. sometimes it's irritating.
    btw Bree do you like harry potter?:D

  7. I love seeing how much you've grown. How much stronger you've gotten. I remember watching you during 5yg and when you had "crazyrandom" and hearing about your life along the way. You've grown into a beautiful young lady.

    Psh, I don't feel a bit creepy. I love reading about other peoples lives. I look forward to reading about your day.

    btw, I saw a supernatural episode the other day on TV and think I might start watching it thanks to you (; I just gotta find it on the internet.

  8. I get what you're saying with Posh Spice. Even if he doesn't show he payed attention, and you will probably never know if he did, you told him, and it feels good on your end.
    I also love reading about your day. It's nice. I'm glad you don't find it creepy. I have been called "stalkerish" by Katie before, for watching her videos, replying to her tweets, and asking her a lot of questions on her formspring, but really, I was just interested in her life, just like I am with yours. It's so interesting to be able to follow someone's life through video, tweets, formspring, blogs, tumblr. You can feel like you know them, even if you've never spoken to each other. Wow hope THAT didn't sound creepy.