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Hey, lots of special thanks to Marta, Lisa, and Sabrina!

Today, I somehow managed to sleep until four. I have no idea how, I went to bed at two in the morning, but that's not nearly late enough to justify sleeping until four in the afternoon.

I've spent the day looking online and researching all sorts of culinary/pastry degree programs and schools. I grew up baking and creating new recipes with my mom, and if I were going to go into the food business, I would want to open up my own specialty cupcake shop.

But yeah. Uneventful day. I'm somehow sleepy, even though I slept for fourteen hours last night, and I don't have much else to say. Beyond that, I really appreciate this blog and what it's done for my life. It's my little outlet, and my way of recording everything that happens to me every day. I'm glad I started this.

Autumn?

So today's plans did work out.

You see, the day before yesterday, while texting Vanilla Ice about a priest who accidentally drowned a baby during a baptism, literally out of nowhere, he asked me if I'd like to watch (500) Days of Summer with him sometime. Obviously I said yes, perhaps a little too enthusiastically, and we planned it for the next available day, which was today.

I awaited today anxiously, I was almost positive I'd make a complete tool of myself, as I tend to do around intimidatingly cute boys.

I headed over to his house around noon, he lives in a cute little townhouse and it smelt like maple syrup, and his family was nice to me and his little brother reminded me of my little brother. His dog also happens to be the cutest dog in the entire world.

He enjoyed the movie (and laughed at all the right lines and reacted to all the right scenes) and it wasn't awkward. And then afterwards we spent the better part of an hour just talking, about everything, and he showed me his collection of cameras and told me about them and I WASN'T A TOTAL IDIOT. If I was, I was really too happy to notice.

I was glad I went... I really like talking to him, a lot. And I don't open up to people easily. At all.

Would it be terrible if he found this blog? The thought just crossed my mind. It's not like this blog is a secret or is terribly hard to find. I'm just counting on him not looking, I guess? He follows me on Tumblr, but only started following me recently... and the only other way he would find this is through Formspring or YouTube, but I get asked like ten million questions a day on there, I don't think he'd backtrack far enough through my Formspring questions and I don't think he watches my YouTube videos. Or at least I hope not.

Gosh. I'd be so embarrassed. I have literally poured out every detail of my fascination with him on this blog, and if he ever read it he'd probably think I was an obsessed creepy weirdo. Haha.

So hopefully he just doesn't find out about this any time soon.

But it would be even better if he already knew about this blog, but was still taking the time to talk to me/invite me into his home EVEN THOUGH I creepily gush about him on my public blog.

After I left his house, my stepmom got me some lunch, and I took an hour-long happy-nap. I woke up due to the fact that my family is SO FREAKING LOUD. Diesel, our doberman pup, barks at literally everything. And for a five month old puppy, he has the most terrifying, deep, booming bark I have ever heard. My sister runs around the house, banging things and screaming and squealing. My dad shouts (not at anyone or in an angry manner, he just talks too loud sometimes) and the TV volume is always unnecessarily high. It's not exactly an ideal napping environment.

I emerged from my bedroom to find my family in the kitchen, all huddled around a doughy mess of a homemade pizza that needed to go in the oven. It's hard to be mad at your family for waking you up when they do cute things like making pizza together, even if the pizza looks slightly pre-digested.

Then it dawned on me how perfect and wonderful today really was, and how perfect and wonderful life is, and how perfect and wonderful the world can be sometimes, and I did what anyone who has just realized the perfection and wonder of the world does.

I blared "You Make My Dreams Come True" by Hall & Oates from the speakers of my MacBook and danced around my kitchen/living room like an idiot.

Tonight I am going to watch Harry Potter with my family and continue being happy with everything.

I really miss Amy and wish Sunday would come faster.

I really hope that today I came off as lovable and endearing and cute and other good adjectives, rather than awkward and creepy and socially inept.

I really wish I had a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream and some Benadryl.

I'll see you guys tomorrow!

My friends are the best.

So let's see how fast I can write this blog, since the new Degrassi airs in four minutes!

Today was awesome, pretty much.

I woke up, ate breakfast, and took a three hour nap. When I woke up, Alison, who has been in St. Augustine for the past couple weeks, was in my front yard. I was generally ecstatic and we spent some time squealing over each other and hugging and catching up on life. I also spent several minutes marveling at her freshly tanned skin and her gorgeous ocean hair. Alison, who has always been gorgeous in a surfer-girl, all-American way, is now this exotic beach goddess, and frankly, I am jealous.

Also, let it be known that Degrassi is on, and I'm writing this during commercial breaks.

After that, I threw on whatever clothes I could find and did something with my hair, and we headed out the door. We stopped at Goodwill and did some thrifting, but ultimately didn't find anything, so we left and met up with Daniella at the Publix where she works.

We got into Daniella's beautiful summer car, and made a road trip to downtown Orlando to visit Ikea! I love Ikea. We spent a good couple of hours looking around at furniture and housewares together, picking out things we liked and taking pictures of them (Daniella and I hope to move into an apartment together next summer, so long as I can find a job...). It was really fun, and it felt really good to be musing about the future with two people I love so much. And it made me realize how much I don't want to be tied down to anything any time soon.

After we finished looking around, we ate at the bistro downstairs. Alison and I both had the fifty cent hot dog, Daniella had pizza and the three of us split a cinnamon bun. It was delicious. I also purchased a tasty Swedish chocolate bar.

Once our bellies were filled, we visited the Millenia Mall... which is pretty much the biggest, most wonderful mall in central Florida. We went into Urban Outfitters and looked all the beautiful, expensive clothes. Millenia also has a GIANT Forever 21, so we spent plenty of time in there. Daniella got a couple shirts, Alison bought some shorts, and I got a ten dollar blue dress that I'm really happy with.

We took Alison back to the Publix where we left her car, and Daniella and I went back to my house, where we planned some room renovations for me, and she helped schedule my appointment to enroll in my classes for the fall, and helped me pick out the courses and times I want. We're both going to the same campus, and both of us picked all of our classes for Mondays and Wednesdays, so somedays we could probably carpool (she has to be there a little earlier than I do though). Also, as long as the schedule and classes I picked aren't full, our lunch breaks will coincide. So even though I'm really excited to meet new people, having a friend already on campus will make the first few days much, much easier.

And Degrassi is now over... I'm little disappointed with tonight's episode. Even though I'm already in love with Eli. I think he's adorable.

Anyway. I should be off to bed soon. I have big, wonderful, amazing plans tomorrow. I'd tell you guys now, but I think I'd rather surprise you tomorrow. Hopefully it all works out and I don't end up stuck at home!

I love you all, very much.

Hotel Song

Last night I stayed up until eight in the morning video chatting with my friend Robbie.

I love him dearly and we made plans to go camping soon.

Because I stayed up so late, I slept most of the day. I had planned to go pay Posh Spice's mom a visit this evening, but she texted me today telling me he was home, so we rescheduled.

So tonight I am going to text Vanilla Ice (who has never seen (500) Days of Summer) and watch Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince with my family and stay up for the replay of tonight's new Degrassi at midnight.

Since this blog isn't anything interesting and I don't really feel like writing anything at all, here's a screen shot from last night/this morning's fabulous iChat session.

Sugar Town

Hello readers!

I really loved reading all your comments on my last entry. It's interesting to me how no two people seem to have the same thoughts or opinions on love... I guess it's just like faith, it's something different to everyone.

Today was a good day.

Last night I made a listography account, which is a really useful and fun website if you're like me, and you make lists for everything. It's a very versatile place, and I can almost see it becoming the next Tumblr. It has a lot of potential. You can go visit my profile and see my lists here, it's a work in progress.

I woke up at two in the afternoon, and the first thing I did was make a batch of fudge. It came out perfectly. If you've ever made fudge from scratch, the old fashioned way, you know that it's a very time and temperature sensitive thing, and even though my mom taught me how to make it when I was very young (she learned from my dad's late mother, my grandmother), it's really easy to mess up and sometimes the texture comes out slightly off (last time I made it, it wasn't as creamy as it should have been, but I was the only one that noticed the difference), but this time around I got it spot on. My only complaint is that my stepmom got me milk chocolate instead of semisweet to use, so it came out tasting less rich than normal... but it's still delicious.

After that, my best friend Michelle came over. She's been working at a local YMCA camp as a counselor for most of the summer, so I haven't seen her much. Last time I saw her, in fact, was for her and Daniella's "Hawaiian Extravaganza". It was really nice to see her. We went back to her house, caught up on life, and acted ridiculously. We made a trip to Publix because she needed to get some things for camp (ingredients for s'mores, flour for some prank they're going to pull, hot dogs, and ice cream salt). The majority of our Publix experience was spent tasting every possible sample they were handing out, and catching up with some kids from our school who work there. We also grabbed two little mini cartons of Starbucks Java-chip ice cream that came with individually wrapped spoons, and after we paid and left we sat outside of Publix, eating them in the sun on the sidewalk, soaking in the summer and talking about how our exes are both idiots.

We went back to her house for a bit, and I flipped through some old middle school yearbooks. I wasn't in any of them, obviously, since I didn't move to this town until the summer before junior year, but it was interesting to see what my classmates looked like back then. It's truly crazy how much people change.

I really love how Danger Cat always feels the need to cuddle with me when I'm writing a blog entry. She keeps blocking my view of the computer.

I left Michelle's house with a new pair of blue shorts, and a borrowed Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince DVD (I only have the digital copy, so this way I can watch it with my family tonight).

When I got home, there was a voicemail on our landline (yes, my family actually still has one) detailing some upcoming available positions working aftercare at my little sister's school.

I got really excited, and rushed to my bedroom to write out a politely worded email and sent it to the address that the voicemail had given, and now I'm going to cross my fingers. It wouldn't be very much cash, but money is money. Plus, as the oldest of seven, I'm used to handling hordes of crazy little kids. Kids love me. When I used to babysit, I always got along well with even the most hyper, bratty, or disobedient children. I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm a little childlike myself.

Let it be known that I had to stop babysitting, not because of the children, but because of their parents, who ranged from stupid to rude to creepy. Really.

Anyway, it'd be nice and convenient, and I could walk to the school from my house.

So hopefully I get a reply soon. I've been on sort of a job-hunting hiatus since school let out, and maybe this will kick-start my search again. Prior to graduation I was filling out applications left and right, but then summer came along and I got lazy.

Anyway, I'm getting off to go spend time with my family who I haven't seen all day, watch Harry Potter and eat fudge. I hope you all are having a really good day.

Rain on my mind

Hello readers! It's 7:51 PM, and I'm writing this from my living room.

Thank you to those of you that commented with your thoughts on the whole lucid dreaming subject, and I must say... you guys are better people than I am. Both of the commenters who touched on the topic of dream walking stated that they wouldn't be comfortable with going into someone else's dream... I feel differently on the matter, but we'll get to that.

If I were to have a lucid dream tonight, I'd probably get really creative. I'd mess with the physics of everything, just like Inception. I'd throw in Joseph Gordon-Levitt for good measure.

As for dreamwalking, I'm afraid I lack the strong moral fiber that my commenters seem to have. Of course I'd enter someone else's dreams, given the chance. I'd do good things, like getting inside Amy's head and conjuring up Jake Gyllenhaal for her. Or I'd go tell Vanilla Ice's subconscious to fall in love with me. And I'd really really like the chance to get inside Posh Spice's head and give him a piece of my mind, literally. I think I'd have too much fun inside his head, actually. So it's probably a good thing that I'm not likely to start dreamwalking any time soon. Haha.

I really want Amy and Andrew to date.

Seriously.

And I've discussed it with both of them multiple times. Amy's all for it, which is surprising because as far as dating and romance goes, Amy always has her guard up. She has this wall. But not with him. The two of them have this great chemistry together, and Amy is the exact opposite of Andrew's psycho ex (no exaggeration here), and just... Andrew needs someone that's not going to rush him into anything, someone that has her own life and her own priorities, someone that has awesome taste in music, someone that's beautiful and funny and shares his sense of humor. THAT SOMEONE IS AMY.

Every time I've discussed it with Andrew, he can never really argue with me. I've told him everything stated above, and he admits that all of that is true. But he keeps saying, "I want to be single right now", which is kind of a lie because he's been mildly pursuing this brainless bimbo (upon meeting me and Amy, this girl actually said, "oh my god it's like real life Tumblr!" ...what?) but still, I can understand wanting to be single, or whatever, because I'm in that same boat.

But honestly? He needs to pull his head out of his rear end, and seize the opportunity while he can. Amy won't wait around for him forever, and I can already see it playing out. Amy will find someone else who isn't a completely stubborn douche-master, and he'll feel like an idiot and regret not listening to me.

Or maybe I'm completely wrong. I probably don't have any idea what's best for these two people and I should probably stay out of it.

I sometimes focus on the romantic problems of those around me to distract myself from my own failure of a love-life... Hah.

I'm just doing the same thing I always do. Devoting all my romantic attention to someone completely unattainable, even though I know it will never go anywhere. And maybe that's a good thing, because if it never goes anywhere, I can't get hurt, right...?

That's a lie. Because one time, I did attain one of those unattainable boys. After months and months of him using me and hurting me and telling me repeatedly that he didn't want a relationship, I finally got Posh Spice to give in. I don't know how, but I did. And then guess what. He hurt me.

And sometimes I feel like a terrible person, because I have a history for pining over "perfect" guys who will never give me the same kind of attention (Vanilla Ice), or the complete jerks (Posh Spice). And I use the same dumb excuses every single time. "Oh, no one could ever measure up to him!" or "Nobody could possibly get me like he does!", it's always the same song and dance. But that doesn't make me a bad person, that just makes me stupid.

What makes me a terrible person is that the whole time, there is always some perfectly nice boy (or boys!) in the background, who would totally give me a chance, who I know would treat me like gold and there's nothing ever wrong with them. And what do I do? I step all over them. I never give them the chance they deserve. I hurt them. Just friends. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????? LIKE. REALLY.

This is why it's better that I'm single. I'm too messed up. Hahaha.

My belief in "true love" and "soul mates" and especially, the institution of marriage, has been shaky since I was a little girl. I grew up with four different stepdads. When I was little, I thought people were SUPPOSED to get married and divorced several times throughout their lifetimes, once every two years or so. I guess I thought you were supposed to set up franchises or something. I remember being four years old, moving into a new neighborhood and meeting a little girl a few years older than I was and being really confused when I realized that she lived with both of her parents, in one house, and she didn't have any stepparents.

I mean, I'm sure there are some people that are really lucky, they're wired a certain way, and they're capable of maintaing a stable, happy (relatively), monogamous relationship, and then they're lucky enough to meet someone else who is really lucky and wired the same way, and then they go off and have a comfortable life together. Happily ever after, the works.

But, for most people it doesn't work that way. I mean, half the marriages today end in divorce, and who knows how many of the other fifty percent are actually happy? It just seems like such a far-fetched concept to me.

The logical side of me knows that love is just some random hormone fueled brain activity programmed into us with the intention of continuing the species. Logically, someone always gets hurt. Something goes wrong. One person grows tired of the other, the passion dies out, someone starts seeing someone else. Something. People end up staying together for the kids, or for the money, or for the familiarity.

And even if everything goes right, even if no one leaves, someone has to die first.

I'm depressing.

But then again... I'm still a teenage girl. And I still want to believe that it's possible, that it's possible for me, and that when I'm seventy years old, I'm going to be with someone whose stood by my side for years, and remembers what I was when I was young and beautiful, and still sees me that way.

Side note: I still take up issue with marriage as an government institution though. It's outdated and leftover from the days of women as property, and if I had my way, the government would have no business in our love lives whatsoever and we could have anybody in the hospital room that we pleased. I think that marriage should really be eliminated as a government thing altogether, and be replaced with civil unions, basically, so that people could still declare their partnership and get tax breaks and adopt kids and get a green card and whatever else. And if people still want to head on down to the church, wear the white dress and the tux and have it be recognized that way, then that's their prerogative, they should have every right to do so. Tradition is important. But that's also my solution to the gay marriage debate as well. That way a gay couple has the same exact rights and legal standing as a straight couple, and if the fundamentalists want to continue being assholes, it doesn't make a difference. YAY FOR SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE. -end nonsensical marriage rant-

Anyway. Back on topic. I really don't mean to be cynical when it comes to love, and if I brought any of you readers down... then I'm truly sorry. I know what it's like to be blissfully in love and to feel like it's going to last forever. I also know the soul-crushing darkness and pain of heartbreak, all too well. But after all, I'm only seventeen. There's plenty of time for me to figure it all out. Maybe someone will prove me wrong.

Alright. Time for me to take my angst elsewhere. Love you guys!

HEY GUYS.

Super big thanks to Hannah, Marisol, Alycia, Leigh, and Sabrina for reading and commenting on last post's whininess.

Tonight was actually amazing.

I spent the whole day watching Skins online, and then around 7:30 Andrew came to pick me up to go meet Amy and see Inception. Vanilla Ice couldn't make it, but it was okay because I saw Amy.

Andrew and I got there before Amy did, so we bought our tickets and then wandered about the mall, we stopped at Taco Bell and I whined to him about my unrequited crush and he tried to tell me how great I am and yada yada yada. Okay. Now if only the crush in question would see how supposedly awesome I am, then things would be great, now wouldn't they?

Well, Amy showed up, I gave her the biggest hug ever and got sad because she had a bad day, and I bought her M&M's, and her movie ticket.

We saw Inception and just... wow. Like really. Wow. It completely blew me away, and now I am questioning all reality. Everything about it was stunning. I'm not going to go into detail about my thoughts on it, because I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but just... GOD. Ellen Page was lovely, as usual. And Joseph Gordon-Levitt was just beautiful, I would marry him, no lie. And Leonardo DiCaprio has been one of my all-time favorite actors ever since I saw him in Romeo & Juliet when I was like, seven.

GO SEE INCEPTION, OKAY.

The film also struck a chord with me because I have always been interested in the idea of lucid dreaming. It's something I've always wanted to be able to do (even before I knew about Inception), and I've experimented with different techniques that I've found on the internet. For those of you who don't know, a lucid dream is basically a dream where you know you are dreaming, and therefore you are able to control and interact with your dream however you wish. If you think it sounds crazy or made up, think again. It's actually a very real, very scientific and well-documented phenomena, and there are ways of inducing it, but it takes practice.

Go google it.

I first became interested in lucid dreaming a little over a year ago when I had my first Super Serious Allergic Reaction!!! and I was in the hospital hooked up to an IV that was pumping Benadryl into me. The drug knocked me out, basically, but I suppose my mind stayed awake? And when I fell asleep, I knew I was dreaming. And I was like "what-even-am-I-hallucinating-is-this-really-what?" So that was what spurred my research.

Now, there are some people out there who believe in a less scientific phenomena vaguely related to lucid dreaming called "dreamwalking". Which basically means that people who are skilled enough at lucid dreaming can also somehow connect to almost a dreamwave-internet, and enter other people's dreams, and interact with them and control them. That sounds a bit far-fetched to me, but it'd be really, really cool, haha. Also the subject of dreamwalking was covered in a Supernatural episode. They went about it differently, but still. It tickled my fancy.

So, comment questions of the day: Have you ever had a lucid dream? If you did have a lucid dream, what would you do with it? And if you could dreamwalk, whose dreams would you enter and what would you do there?

I'll answer all the above questions in my next post. But for now, I need sleep. You guys are amazing.

alwknawlknawlkw

I was going to write you guys a super-long awesome entry, but currently I'm too frustrated and sleepy to really do that.

Yesterday Andrew told me that today we were going to hang out, and then go to Amy's for another Harry Potter night.

Then today he decided to blow me off and invite Posh Spice instead.

Because that's how things happen.

On top of that, I'm supposed to go see Inception with Amy and Vanilla Ice, but since I'm a fail at life who doesn't drive yet, I have no actual way of getting there. I was counting on being able to ask Andrew for a ride (and I was going to give him gas money, he lives like ten or fifteen minutes away and my house is out of the way but it's not as far as Amy would have to drive and I WOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM GAS MONEY) but now apparently he doesn't want to go, for whatever reason.

So that's falling through, and now I probably won't get to see Amy tomorrow, and I haven't seen her in a week and it kills me because she's one of my best friends and one of the only people that understand anything and maybe I'm being overdramatic but GOSH.

I feel useless, and replaced, and left out, and useless, and lots of other pathetic adjectives like that.

Okay. Thanks for letting me vent guys. We'll be back to our usual peppy carefree content, hopefully tomorrow.

Why today is awesome: I'm watching Lord of the Rings, so.

About face

Hello readers, I am currently writing to you in a state of elation.

Last night, as those of you who subscribe to my YouTube channel probably already know, I pulled an all nighter, and filmed it. I was pretty satisfied with the results. I took a nap from 10 AM to 3 PM, and when I woke up I assumed I wouldn't be doing much for the rest of the day.

HOW VERY WRONG I WAS.

Vanilla Ice invited me to go play trivia with him at Beef O'Brady's, a local sports bar type place. Every Thursday they have trivia game nights where you get a team and answer questions and the winners get gift certificates.

Obviously I jumped on that opportunity.

I went, and it was him and his two friends that I didn't know, and it was a lot of fun. We won third place, and a 15 dollar gift certificate. But I would have been just as happy about it had we not won anything at all.

He has the cutest smile in the whole world, I'm just saying.

Okay. Time for me to stop being a gushy little girl.

Now I'm back home, texting Amy who is back from the beach (I get to see her Saturday!) and being proud of myself. I don't even mind that my Wet 'n Wild plans for tomorrow fell through. Nothing could get me down right now.

Nothing nothing nothing.

Also, since I was awake anyway due to my all-nighter, I watched the Jessi Slaughter interview on Good Morning America. I thought it was disappointing, but I'm very grateful they made no mention of Tumblr or 4chan. I definitely do not want Tumblr to be flooded by idiots and turned into the next MySpace anytime soon. I was also mad that they turned into a segment about cyber bullying.

I hate it when adults feel the need to make these super-serious technical terms like "cyber bullying!" and "sexting!" for these terrifying things that they think every minor is a part of (when really, most of us are already desensitized to cruelty over the internet and most of us don't take naked pictures of ourselves). And you never hear anyone under the age of 30 actually using these terms.

Also it made me laugh how they blamed the entire thing on Stickam.

That's all I really have for you guys today. Thanks a million to my lovely readers and commenters, you guys make this all worthwhile.

Weight: 114 WORKING ON IT.

Twitter followers: 975 what what.

Tumblr followers: 409

Why today is awesome: In case you didn't catch it the first time, I HUNG OUT WITH VANILLA ICE TODAY.

The world is yours, so take it.

Hello, it is 7:30 PM and I am sitting on my couch with a plate of cold spaghetti, texting Vanilla Ice (!) and refreshing Tumblr every .02 seconds, as per usual.

And if the previous sentence wasn't an indicator, life is pretty freakin' swell.

I'd say the best thing that happened today was that I got my eager little bear-paws on Lydia's new (and final) album (well, I guess it's technically an EP?), Assailants. I've been listening to it non-stop. And it's pretty much perfect. Lydia is one of my favorite bands, and Assailants is everything about Lydia that I have loved, and a perfect way for them to conclude their run as a band.

For those of you who don't know, which is probably most of you, Lydia is (well, was...) an indie-ish band from Arizona that has been creating beautiful tunes with thoughtful lyrics for the past seven years. I guess they're best known for their talented and gorgeous female keyboardist, Mindy White. And I have been a very dedicated fan since '06.

They recently split though, and I didn't handle that news so well... The good news was that they were releasing one last CD, and going on one final farewell tour before calling it quits. I'll be seeing them live for the last time on the thirty-first, and I'm pretty excited about that. The other good news is that some of Lydia's former members are joining forces with former members from another recently-split favorite indie band of mine, Copeland, and creating a new band, called States. Which I find incredibly thrilling.

Anyway, back on the subject of Assailants; I love it so much I could cry.

My favorite of the seven songs would have to be "Empty Out Your Stomach". The music is hauntingly beautiful, like all the other tracks, but the lyrics strike a strong chord with me. You can find the lyrics here, and if you've read my blog entry on my issues with throwing up, you can probably see why I appreciate this song so much.

I'm not sure that "Empty Out Your Stomach" holds the same meaning for the songwriters as it does for me, but I suppose that's the beautiful thing about music. It's a fluid and universal language. It can mean anything to anyone.

So I strongly suggest you go to iTunes, right now, and purchase it. It's definitely worth paying for, and it's the band's one last hurrah, so...

Or you could just Google image search Mindy White. Also worth it.

Other than that my day has been mellow. Catching up with friends I haven't seen since graduation, baking cookies, making my FTFK video, and the like. Nothing exciting to report, Captain.

I plucked up the courage to text Vanilla Ice first today, I am happy to say. It took me fifteen minutes of struggle to type out "Hello :)", but I did it.

Yesterday he told me he enjoyed my conversation, which made me smile because I certainly enjoy his, and I think he's brilliant. As if his dimples and perfect hair weren't enough... I'm such a teenage girl. I should go read Twilight and paint my nails while listening to Justin Bieber or something.

Also, while catching up with an old friend today, it was mentioned that Posh Spice's band has a show tonight at a sort-of-local Hot Topic. This in itself is no big deal. What was sort of a big deal was my reaction. I didn't get set off on an angry rant or let myself fall into a melancholy funk for the rest of the day. And I didn't have to try. It just didn't... phase me. Which added to my already-fabulous mood.

He is living his life and I am living mine, and they are far, far away from each other. This is a good thing.

Also, I'm so happy about this six-week Degrassi binge. The new episode last night, I felt, was a pretty satisfying follow-up to the premiere. The thing I love the most about Degrassi is that, even though the situations are dramatic (of course the things that happen on the show also happen in real high schools, but not with the overwhelming frequency and regularity that they happen at Degrassi, thankfully), the characters are real. They all have good and bad inside of them. Just like all real people do. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to tonight's episode.

See you tomorrow guys.

Weight: Didn't check again. LETTING MYSELF GOOO.

Tumblr followers: 406

Twitter followers: 969

Why today is awesome: We have red velvet cake...

Could you kick those heels off, baby, and still walk tall?

Hello, readers!

I'm in a significantly less angsty whiny teenagerish mood today than I was yesterday.

This positive shift can probably be attributed to any of these three factors.

1) I watched the two hour Degrassi premier last night. I watched the second showing, and my jaw was on the floor the entire time. (This paragraph is going to contain spoilers, so for those of you who haven't seen it yet and plan on doing so, go ahead and scroll down to number two on this list.) Poor Spinner! He was just having a terrible day. And at first, when the whole Jane-gets-picked-up-by-an-indie-band-while-off-in-New-York subplot made me really, really angry. Why was Jane getting rewarded for being a cheating whore?! DOES NOT COMPUTE. But I was really happy when it came back around in the end and she got blown off. Serves her right, really. I'm not a fan of Jane, obviously. As for Spinner and Emma... I don't think it'll work long-term, just because Emma never makes good life decisions, but I could be wrong, because hey, DEGRASSI GOES THERE. As for the Holly J/Declan/Fiona mess... First off I have really grown to love Holly J. She's possibly one of my favorite characters from the entire series. It's so great how she grew up through the past few seasons. She went from a sort of static mean-girl character, to this amazing young woman who is really driven and motivated, and channels her inner bitch to get things DONE. So I was rooting for her from the beginning. Fiona started to really tick me off, and I liked her before. AND THEN SHE KISSED HER TWIN BROTHER. WHAT. EVEN. Just like, I can't... what the hell? Prior to the kiss, my faith in Declan had been faltering, but afterwards, he really redeemed himself. So Declan and Holly J are officially my favorite Degrassi couple, replacing Darcy and Peter (who had originally replaced Sean and Emma). So overall, I was really happy with the premiere and where this season seems to be going. Even though Degrassi will never be as amazing as it was before Emma and Manny and the rest of the crew graduated, it still satiates my need for Canadian teen drama.

2) Vanilla Ice sent me a "good morning" text. And we've been texting all day. And he said he'd like to go with Amy and I to see Inception. I hope he doesn't know about this blog, because I totally just gave his identity away, but I just couldn't withhold that information from you guys. I've had like this stupid smile on my face all day because of it. I don't even understand why I have this perpetual little-girl crush on him, I really don't. I haven't even physically seen in him in person in over a month. It makes absolutely no sense. He's just this like, one unattainable person that I'll always have a soft spot for. I think everybody has one of those. And I know that nothing will probably ever come of it, but, I'm still allowed to have my butterflies.

3) I don't even remember what the third item on this list was going to be! I got so distracted writing that last paragraph and letting my mind wander into the land of "what-if"s and sighing repeatedly while keeping my phone in my lap so I'll feel it vibrate the second he texts me back. I have a problem, guys.

In other news... I don't know how many of you are Tumblr users or are just generally aware of the whole Jessi Slaughter/Kerligirl13 scandal, but I was watching, I guess, on the fifteenth, when the bulk of the raiding occurred. I just watched everything unfold and followed everything closely. I didn't leave her any nasty comments or order a pizza to her house, but I watched all of her videos, read the comments, etc. as it was all happening. And honestly? The trolls that took part in it get a lot of crap for harassing an eleven year old girl, and pretty much turning her world upside down, and I guess that makes sense. She is only eleven. However, I found out this morning that Jessi had been removed from the custody of her parents, and has been banned from using the internet (for only three days, which is an incomprehensibly short amount of time for something this big... it doesn't make sense to me), and I have to say... I think the trolls actually accomplished something good here.

This little girl was posting semi-nude/nude pictures, posting YouTube videos of herself in her bra, telling strangers she was going to "pop a glock in their mouth and make a brain slushie", using language that I didn't even know existed at that age (as well demonstrating knowledge of anatomy that I didn't know about until last year), and listening to God-awful MySpace music, and the list of atrocities goes on. And her parents, apparently, didn't know a thing about any of it. They didn't even know she used her camera to make videos. They didn't know she communicated with anyone online outside of her friends from school.

As a teenager, I know that no kid wants their parents checking their browsing history or looking over their shoulder as they use the internet. And, I know for a fact that when parents try to overly restrict their children in this way, it just makes them that much more motivated to find ways around those restrictions. I firmly believe that, especially after thirteen or fourteen, kids should be allowed some privacy. And it all really depends on the maturity level of the individual child (and in Jessi's case, was her immaturity ever really in question?). Parents should really have at least some sort of an idea of what their kids are up to on the internet. Especially when that kid is eleven. Especially when you've allowed her to have a computer with internet access as well as a webcam in her bedroom. Jessi's parents did everything kind of wrong.

But I think, in an indirect way, Anon has done something good here. I sincerely hope that the whole ordeal was a slap in the face for Jessi and her family. I think it's good that DCF got involved, and I think it's a good thing that law enforcement became aware. I hope it was the wake-up call Jessi's family needed to start paying attention to their daughter, because obviously she was getting the attention from all the wrong places.

And, I think it's a relief that Tumblr and 4Chan were the ones that got to her, rather than say, a crazy pedophile? Or someone that intended on causing her actual physical harm? It all could have gone so much worse had it been allowed to continue.

So in a way, Anon played the role of the white knight here.

And that's all I have to say about that!

See you guys tomorrow!

Weight: 113. I am going to fix this.

Twitter followers: 969

Tumblr followers: 403

Why today is awesome: Another new Degrassi tonight! Woo!

Hell is a teenage girl.

Hello. As I write this post it is 8:53 in the evening, my MacBook has 28 minutes of battery left on it, and I am legitimately really sleepy.

I guess it has something to do with the fact that I took nighttime sinus medicine earlier, but iit kind of sucks because I wanted to stay up to watch the new Degrassi. I can't watch it at nine like a normal human being, because my house only has one television, apparently unlike every other four person household in 2010, and we lack a TiVo/DVR (also unlike every other household in 2010) so I have to wait until I can watch the replay of it in the middle of the night tonight.

Basically my dad and my little sister get complete run of the television, so during waking hours, I am stuck between ESPN and Disney Channel. Which is fine, considering I don't care for TV much anyway, and what I do care about can usually be (with some work) dug up illegally on the internet. But for things like this, I'm pretty much out of luck.

Today I went to the grocery store with my family, did more deliberating over my future and made cookies.

I kind of want to skip out on community college, and go straight to a film school or culinary school (baking is my other passion, which you guys have probably noticed from this blog) or something that I actually care about rather than wasting my time and money on getting my AA. I don't know. Pre-life crisis.

My dad and his side of the family would probably not allow this to happen though, so.

Which leads me to this question.

Why do our parents expose us to all of those Disney movies about following your dreams and reaching for the stars and et cetera, and then, when we're actually old enough to understand that message and make use of it, start forcing the exact opposite of that message down our throats?

Weight: ?

Twitter followers: 963

Tumblr followers: 403

Why today is awesome: I ate five cookies and don't feel bad about it.

Some things just don't wash out.

Hey guys! It's 10:30 at night, and I'm writing this post with a belly full of ice cream and contentment.

Muchos gracias to Alycia, Sabrina, Dana, Lisa, and Elz.

Today I woke up at two thirty in the afternoon. I know you guys must be really, really proud of me...

I didn't change out of my pajamas all day or brush my hair.

But I watched Skins online and rekindled my love for that show. My favorite character is Cassie Ainsworth. For those of you who have seen the show (and I'm sure some of you have, since a few of my readers/fans are from the UK) Cassie is basically what would happen if Amy and I had a baby.

I also watched a couple episodes of Degrassi: The Next Generation and got stoked for the new season that starts tomorrow.

I spent the vast majority of today missing Amy. She's become such a regular part of my life now, and when I'm not with her I feel like something is out of whack.

But my friend Daniella and her boyfriend Danny came over. We did a lot of talking and catching up, about random stuff. I've really missed her as well. Everytime we've attempted to make plans recently, it's fallen through. Danny is actually really cool. Many of Daniella's friends don't really approve of him or their relationship, and to each their own, but personally I get along pretty well with him. He's a nice guy. And he has attractive friends.

We made late night Rita's run, literally fifteen minutes before Rita's closed, just because we saw on the Rita's website that they had Daniella's favorite flavor (cookies and cream). Danny ordered the Swedish Fish flavor. Fortunately for me, the people in front of us in line had their orders messed up the first time around, so there were two extra gelati's and since they were about to close, they just gave the extras to us. I was a happy camper.

Then I came home and they left.

So it was a pretty mellow day. But I'm happy.

Today I thought a lot about hypocrisy, and people who preach and lecture about taking the moral high ground, when they do the opposite. One person in particular actually. Amy had an encounter with this person today, and I won't go into detail, but it really bothered me. Nobody's perfect, I understand that, but... Oh well. I'm not going to waste my energy ranting about it, I'm getting very sleepy.

Also have any of you guys seen Inception and did you like it? Amy and I are going to go see it when she gets back from the beach in four days.

I wish I could make this longer for you guys, but I'm pretty tired. I love you lots and lots. See you tomorrow.

Weight: still haven't checked

Twitter followers: 962

Tumblr followers: 400

Today is awesome because: I had ramen for dinner. Yum yum.

Hey guys...

Oh wow. I skipped a day yesterday... We all knew it was going to happen eventually. I feel bad.

It's not that I forgot, I actually remembered yesterday evening and had a small freakout over it, and Amy was like, "calm down, your blog readers love you and will forgive you" and I was like, "okay." And I remembered that I posted that bonus entry about my cats once. So it was like extra credit.

I've had a very eventful couple of days.

Yesterday morning I woke up at ten, and went on a relentless crusade to find my phone, which had gone missing in the bowels of my couch somewhere the night before. My stepmother and I had to flip it entirely over, and it was lodged in the metal frame somehow.

Then the doorbell rang, and it was my favorite person in the entire world- the UPS man. He brought me a package that contained a new floral print shirt (it has one of those open-bow backs) and some new pretty Grecian type sandals. I was really happy about that. So I got ready and wore my new shirt with a pair of bright coral-ish orange-y shorts and the new sandals. I felt cute.

At about half past two, Andrew showed up at my house, just in time for my newly-painted sparkly pink nails to be dry. We went to the mall to visit Spencers and get him a new lip ring, because the stud he had in before was making his lip all gross and infected and... gross. While we were doing that we discussed the joys of the single life and food.

We then stopped by his house, so that he could shower and change, and I sat in his room and messed around on his MacBook Pro (which is two inches wider than mine but it's an older version so I don't feel inferior). Andrew also has a giant Tootsie Roll costume on his wall. I'm not sure why. He also had a really cool fur hat that I kind of wanted to steal. We then raided his kitchen and grabbed snackage (chocolate chips, six bags of microwave popcorn, and grape Kool-Aid) and hit the road for Amy's house.

When we got there, Amy wasn't home yet (why is it I always show up when she's not there?) but we called her and she gave us the password to open her garage. This time, not even her parents were home so it was me and Andrew in this giant house all by ourselves. So naturally, we turned on her gigantic plasma-screen TV and watched Ghostbusters and ate her food.

I also found a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans in her room, so that was nice.

She came home about twenty minutes later, and we watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Andrew had never seen the Harry Potter movies/read the books, so Amy has been on this personal mission to make him watch all of them in order) and me and Amy kind of ruined it for Andrew since we spent the whole movie reciting the lines and discussing major plot points and spoilers from the other books.

After the movie was over, we went on the computer and introduced Andrew to Jessi Slaughter/Kerligirl13 (google it) and died laughing.

Amy's parents came home and since it was Amy's dad's birthday, they were going to go out to dinner, and at that point Andrew and I would have left, but there was supposed to be a party that night and we were going to go to the beach today so Amy wanted me to spend the night and stay with her. So, I crashed their family's dinner party, basically. And Andrew came too.

We went to Carrabas, this nice Italian place, with Amy's parents and our friend Tyler's parents (Tyler was on his flight back from San Francisco at the time). Andrew and I were both broke. So Andrew just ordered water and ate bread from the basket, and me and Amy split an entree. It was delicious and we laughed a lot and I felt kind of bad, like I was imposing myself on Amy's parents but they seemed okay with it.

We went back to Amy's house, and I got a call from my mom and got an update on her situation that made me feel a little better about everything.

Now the original plan had been for me and Amy to go to this party, stay the night at JJ's house and then go to the beach with everyone in the morning. But then JJ texted Amy telling her that the party was filled with sketchy people and was lame so we didn't go and we just decided I was going to sleep at Amy's, and we'd wake up early for the beach the next morning.

Andrew and Amy and I all bonded on Amy's couch over a box of cheez-its and a Pokemon app, and then Tyler was back from the airport. Amy and Tyler live in the same cul-de-sac, So we just went across the street to smother him with love and affection.

We went into Tyler's house and drank cherry coke and ate this amazing Reese's cake that Amy made, and then we all laid in the middle of the cul-de-sac and looked at the stars and talked about how big the universe is and about our individual encounters with self-harm/depression/etc. (or in my case, compulsive vomiting), and how we dealt with those struggles and made it through but IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE IS SO BIG (haha, inside joke. Of course it matters, I just had to throw that in there for Amy's sake)!!!

Then we migrated to Tyler's back patio where we just talked and talked. Mostly about the unattainable people we've all crushed on (Vanilla Ice!). We laid there with our feet in the pool and just laughed until we realized it was two o'clock in the morning. So we all said our goodbyes, Andrew got in his car to go home and Amy and I went back to her house and laid in her bed and talked for almost two hours about pretty much everything. This was a night of lots of talking.

We set an alarm for 9:15 to wake up for the beach this morning.

At 9:15 this morning, that alarm went off, and Amy and I were like, "no". Too exhausted and lazy.

So we slept until one in the afternoon, and when we woke up her mother had brought us Chic Fil A (FOR BREAKFAST!) and it was amazing.

Then we got ready (which for her meant actually getting ready and making herself cute, and for me meant putting on eyeliner and the same clothes I wore yesterday since I didn't bring anything because I didn't know I'd be spending the night) and went to the mall to find her dad a birthday present, and called my dad to meet us there so that Amy wouldn't have to drive me the extra twenty minutes home.

At the mall we encountered Andrew's scary ex-girlfriend who hates Amy, a fellow Mets fan, and cute clothes in Forever 21 that we didn't have money for. My dad came, and we looked in the bookstore for a while, I picked out the next Palahniuk book I want to read and we came home.

And as soon as I got home, I went straight to my computer, plowed my way through 26 Facebook notifications and wrote this blog. Because I love you guys. I feel nasty and dirty and in need of a shower. I also feel the urge to make a milkshake. So that's what I'm off to do.

I found out today that Envy On The Coast (the band mentioned in this entry) broke up. And I was pretty distraught. Like, I didn't think that could ever actually happen... I don't know. I hate when bands I like break up.

But, it was all made better by the fact that You, Me, and Everyone We Know has a new single out, called "Some Things Don't Wash Out". Amy and I downloaded it this morning and listened to it on our way to the mall. It's so catchy and happy and fun and I love everything about it. I just love YM&EWK. They're one of the few poppy-punk bands I listened to in my freshmen year that I can still listen to now and thoroughly enjoy. Go listen to them.

Okay. I really wish I could have written a better blog for you guys but I think I just wrote it all too fast or something. You guys are a priority for me. Haha. I love you so so so much. Stay awesome.

Weight: no idea

Twitter followers: 956

Tumblr followers: 394

Why is today awesome: I have all the necessary ingredients for a chocolate milk shake.

How to Deal

Hey, Enya, Sabrina, Vanessa, Marina, Carolyn, Alycia, Lisa, Joey, Marisol, and Kaelin? You guys are amazing. All of your comments were wonderful and supportive and I read through them each at least three times and I love you guys forever and I think we should all move to a polygamist compound and get married.

It felt really good to write all of that down yesterday. I was really nervous about posting it because I didn't know what people's reactions would be or if I would just make myself look stupid or what. But I'm glad I did what I did.

My eating issues are something I still struggle with, and they will probably always be there, at least to some degree. But, I like to think that I have gotten better and will continue to get better.

And as for my hair- I live in a day and age where extensions and wigs are readily available. I'm not saying it will ever get to that point, but if it did, I am not above buying fake hair... I actually used to have a good friend whose body rejected her own hair, and she had a couple of wigs that she wore and so they always looked cute and perfect. But. I'm taking pre-natals and I have plenty of long hair left so it shouldn't get to that point, eh?

Today I did nothing. That's a lie. I picked my final high school report card from my school (way to put it off until July, I know) and put a dent in the room-cleaning process. And I made plans for tomorrow.

And I talked to my mother on the phone, which stressed me out significantly. That's some drama I definitely need a break from. I'm not even going to talk on it about here, lest I have an anxiety attack.

Also last night I stayed up extremely late, attempting to watch New Moon. And I quite frankly, couldn't stomach it. I know people love the Twilight Saga but... I've only watched the first movie, and I read the books Twilight and Eclipse. I started reading Breaking Dawn, but about halfway through I decided the plot was laughable and never picked it up again. I gave up on New Moon (the movie) about twenty minutes in, and watched How To Deal instead.

I also started working on this story that's been sitting in my head for a while. It's a love story/coming of age tale, and the protagonist is based on Amy (who else?). Amy is such a fascinating character unto herself so I just decided to copy/paste parts of her personality and appearance onto my main character. What can I say? She's my muse.

Telling you guys it's a love story and that I'm basing my main character on one of my best friends makes me feel like I sound ridiculous, but I really hope that when I start writing, it will turn into more than just that. I have never liked the whole superficial teen romance/cheap chick lit genre very much and the thought of being a part of that kind of makes me cringe.

I have been writing as a hobby since I was young, and while I don't think I'm the next Sarah Dessen or that I'll ever get published anything, I enjoy it. It's not my passion, but it's a nice creative outlet.

I just got a follow-up phone call from my mom. And I feel really sick now. My nerves are just all out of whack.

I won't give you guys tons of backstory like I usually do, but currently my mother is on her way to a shelter for battered women and their children, with three of my younger siblings in tow.

So. Yeah. Life I suppose?

Weight: 111.6

Twitter followers: 952

Why today is awesome: There's cookie dough in my fridge, hollluhh

Pushing the shine

Muchos gracias Marina, Carolyn, Amy, Sabrina, Alycia, and James. You guys are cool.

I was up until five AM last night because I was sick. I'd go into details about that but it's pretty gross and requires some backstory, so I won't go into that yet. So I woke up at two in the afternoon today, which I hate.

I rolled off of my couch (I always sleep there when I'm not feeling good), and opened my MacBook to find an intimidating amount of Facebook notifications. Most of them had to do with that "25 Facts" meme that's going around. Amy and I got invited to a "Beach Day!" with a bunch of people from JJ's party, and I'd really like to go. I barely know these people, but they were so much fun that night so I'd really like to go. I'll go if Amy goes. Because I'd need a ride anyway.

Well, after sifting through all of my internet junk, I took a shower and made my FTFK video, sans makeup and without even drying my hair. And now I'm writing this blog and on the recliner in my living room while my sister watches the Tinker Bell movie. I'm not really paying attention, but from what I can tell, it looks extremely weird.

Today I need to mail Michelle's letter. I wrote it when I said I would, I've just been so distracted I haven't actually gotten around to mailing it. And now I'm not even sure of it's exact location.

Okay so, since I'm not going to be doing anything fun until later tonight (it's currently 6:18 PM) I guess I'll take this moment to discuss my aforemetioned health issues. I've kind of touched on them before, but I've never really discussed any of it at great length anywhere on the internet.

This is a really touchy subject for me, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore seeing as I've grown out of it, for the most part.

I have always had issues with food and/or my weight/body image. Always. And I don't think that's very strange or unusual for girls my age. From what I've seen, I think it's a lot more common than people think and I don't think there's any one set cause.

Starting when I was eleven, I began this cycle of bingeing and purging. I would basically eat a ton of food as fast as I could, and then throw it all up. The common misconception with bulimia is that it's always done by insecure white girls to lose weight. While that's definitely true in some of the cases, it doesn't apply to all of them, including mine. My issue with throwing up was more of a coping mechanism. When something upset me- issues with my mother mainly, but sometimes even something as small as a bad grade would trigger it- it was my way of releasing that. It made me feel better. I didn't understand why I did it, I just knew that nobody could know about it, and that while I hated that I had this secret, I still loved doing it. Not only did I get emotional satisfaction from throwing up, I also got literally high off of it. It would leave me feeling dizzy and in a dream-like state for up to an hour after I actually vomited.

I kept this up for around four years. I would go through phases where I would try to stop, but that never lasted. The effects it had on my health were impossible to ignore, and my mom nearly always had me in the doctor's office, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. My symptoms included constipation, constant abdominal and chest pain, irregular heartbeat, problems with my skin and hair, swelling in my cheeks and face, gross fingernails, and indigestion. I was diagnosed with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), and took medicine for it for a year.

When high school rolled around, I started to make friends. I was still very shy and awkward, but it was right around the time I entered my "scene" phase, so the way I dressed and the odd colors I put in my hair made friends for me. I was able to open up more than I had before. It got hard to hide it from my friends, especially when they started noticing the weirdness. Eventually, I told one girl who I was very close to. She swore up and down she wouldn't say anything. And she kept her promise, for a while. But, as it so often happens in tenth grade, I made her mad and she told. Which led to the information getting to one of my teachers, and then to one of the guidance counselors, and then to my mom...

It was really easy to convince my mom that it was just a stupid rumor, and she was definitely not willing to believe that her little girl would do such a thing, but she still kept a closer eye on my eating habits and remained suspicious, just in case.

And then one day my little sister told my mother that she had seen me throwing up, and all hell broke loose, pretty much. I got in big trouble. She yelled at me and threatened to take the locks off the bathroom doors and kept me under total surveillance for a few days, and I suppose she thought that that'd be enough to sort of scare me out of it, like it was just some stupid phase or something I was doing for attention or to be skinny. And I can't blame her. She didn't know that I had been doing it for four years, she didn't know why I was doing it, and I didn't try and tell her, because I didn't know how. I didn't know what was wrong with me either.

So, it all died down for a while. I returned to my old ways. And I was more careful than ever to hide it. It became a little game I played. I pushed my limits, seeing just how much food I could eat and how quickly, challenging myself. I even taught myself to do it with no hands. I loved the feeling it gave me. Throwing up made me feel clean and happy.

Meanwhile, while this was all going on, I was dealing with other issues at home that were contributing to this problem that I had, and I'm not going to go into that (my family drama can be another blog for another day...) which, ultimately resulted in my moving out of my mom's house and moving in with my dad who I barely knew. Taking control of my life like that empowered me in a way I'd never even thought possible. And it was at that moment, I decided that once I moved in with my father, I would start a completely new life and never make myself throw up again.

I decided I'd have one last ceremonial binge, just for old times sake. I wanted to make it count. I remember that night like it just happened. I had three pieces of cold pizza, a bag of mini powdered donuts, two bags of Doritos, Apple Jacks, strawberry ice cream, bread and peanut butter, and at least a dozen Oreos. I followed it all up with a can and a half of Dr. Pepper, and got rid of it right there in the kitchen sink. All in under thirty minutes. I felt like such a champ.

After moving in with my dad, I had to fight very hard to keep up with my vow. I slipped up pretty frequently the first few months. But I did break the habit. I started writing my feelings out more. It also helped that I was out of the poisonous environment I was in before, and I was finally allowed to live life as a normal teenager.

I still get the urge to purge sometimes. The craving is still there. The only way I can really describe it to you is that, I feel like all the evil inside of me lives in my stomach. And I just want to clean it out. All the bad feelings and hurt, I want it gone. I have this fascination with pumpkin scrapers, I've always wanted to use one on the inside of my stomach. It's disgusting, I know. And I don't understand it either. But I've come to accept it. And I've learned other ways of dealing with those bad emotions, you know?

Anyway. Backtracking some to when I first moved in with my father, when I stopped (for the most part) throwing up and started eating normally, my weight skyrocketed. Now, while I hadn't been exactly happy with my body when I was throwing up, the throwing up was never directly related to my weight. But the sudden weight gain at the beginning of eleventh grade really threw me off. I was at 140 at my highest point, which isn't bad, but it wasn't what I was used to and it had a terrible effect on my confidence. My weight eventually evened itself back out to 130, which is actually a very healthy weight, but I wasn't happy. I stayed at that 130 mark until my senior year, when I started dating Posh Spice.

Now, Posh Spice and I had had some issues prior to us dating that I won't go into, involving some other girls and that sort of thing, and they carried over into our relationship and had a pretty devastating effect on both my self-esteem and our relationship.

Then one day, in January, five months into our relationship, I decided I was going to go on a diet, to fix myself and to be thin and "good enough" for him, because, my mind was that warped and messed up. So, I went on a crash diet. I ate under 800 calories a day, and lost 20+ pounds in less than three months. And even though I am now more happy and confident with my body size and shape than I ever have been, it has really taken it's toll on my health, which was the original point of this post.

The bad side effects started while I was dieting. I constantly had a headache. I always had hunger pains, always. I was always fatigued. I never felt good and never had energy to do any of the things I wanted to. I lost my period. It also affected on me emotionally. I was constantly irritable. It was like PMS-ing all of the time. The smallest things would set me off, I would start crying at the drop of a hat or get really mad at everyone around me for no reason. I pushed a lot of people away, and it caused a lot of friction between me and Posh Spice. The time period where I was dieting, from January to March, is what I consider our "rough patch". We still fought less than most couples, and the fights never lasted very long, but it was always over the smallest, most insignificant things. And I knew I was doing it, but I couldn't help it. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and that freaked me out even more and made things even worse. I know for a fact that this contributed a lot to our breakup, even though this "rough patch" had been over for a month when we split.

Now, while the emotional side effects have long since subsided, the physical ones have gotten worse. I am now back to the severe constipation I used to have when I threw up, only somehow it's worse. I only "go" once a week, at most (sorry if that's too much information, haha). I suffer from telogen effluvium, which is the fancy medical name for what's causing my hair to fall out (I started taking prenatal vitamins about a week ago, by the way, hopefully I will start seeing an improvement soon) and I have to drown my skin in lotion to keep it from drying out. My nails are brittle, my stomach always hurts, and my metabolism is completely messed up.

Back in April, May and early June, I used to have really violent reactions to stress or too much physical activity. Like if I had a really busy day or did something really strenuous (like spending six hours outside in the sun or doing too much on too little sleep or food) I would get really sick and start throwing up. But I pushed through that and I've gotten better, through eating healthier and getting more sleep.

So. That's why I was up until four last night. I had to poop. It's something that should be so simple, yet for me, it causes pain for hours beforehand.

This whole journey I've been on, while it's played a big part in who I am, is not something I'm proud of. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, because it's something I feel personally responsible for. I didn't know how to control my emotions or my life and I paid for it with my health. So if anyone out there is going through something similar, do what you can to get out now. I promise you it's worth it. If you have an eating disorder and you don't know how to find your way out, get some professional help. I wish, more than anything, my mother had thrown me in therapy the minute she found out about my issues. I feel like I would have gotten out a lot quicker and cleaner if I had gotten professional help. And if you're on a crazy crash diet like I was, stop it. It's not worth it.

So yeah. This blog entry was probably the hardest I've ever had to write, but I'm glad I wrote it. It's information that I feel needs to get out there. It's also extremely long, and I doubt most of you will read the whole thing. But I got it out of my system, and that's all I really wanted.

Now I'm off to go do something fun. I love you guys, a lot.

Weight: 112.4

Twitter followers: 952

Why today is awesome: Eloise is on Disney Channel! Yeeeeauhhh.

HI I FEEL DEAD BYE

Just a warning, this post will probably be very jumbled and might not make much sense, and will probably include copious amounts of grammar errors.

But thanks nonetheless to Alycia, Sabrina, Marina, James, and Elizabeth. You guys are cool.

So, I guess I'll give you guys an update on what has occurred since my last post.

My parents said yes to driving me the forty-five minutes to Amy's house. On the way there, my sister beat with drumsticks that just so happened to be lying in our car. When I got to Amy's house, she was still at Tijuana Flats, so it was just me and her dad. We watched "How I Met Your Mother" and there was a conversation on the show about erections. You can imagine how awkward I felt. But at least it was Amy's dad, and not someone else's dad.

I'll just take this moment to say how much I love Amy's house. Like I really, really love her house. There is always delicious food, and her room is incredible. It's mostly incredible because the walls and furniture are completely COVERED in ticket stubs from shows and pictures her friends have drawn for her and posters and photographs and it's just amazing. She also has the biggest collection of legit, paid-for CD's I've ever seen in a modern day teenager's room, and an incredible movie and book collection.

So when Amy came home shortly after I arrived, and we retreated to her awesome bedroom and talked about life. She recently got to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (I'm so jealous, I haven't gone yet) and she let me eat her chocolate frog ("I only bought it for the box and the famous wizard card, I don't really like the chocolate," was her reasoning) and I marveled over her butterbeer mug. I really, really want to go soon. But I'm poor...

I have been obsessed with Harry Potter since I was seven. Seriously. I lost a tooth, and instead of the tooth fairy bringing me a dollar, I got Sorcerer's Stone under my pillow. And I've been hooked ever since. When my family first got high speed internet access, I almost instantly became swept up in the online fandom, writing fanfiction and posting on forums. And when YouTube first became a website, people started making Harry Potter fanvids on there, which led to me joining YouTube, which led to me buying a webcam, which ultimately resulted in my YouTube life today. SO. There you have it, how Harry Potter created my internet identity...

Anyway, back to my life. After eating half the chocolate frog, I changed into a pair of Amy's bright red shorts and a vintage oversized tiger t-shirt and put on my Native American sandals (I am made of awesome, I know) and KTG$ showed up and we headed over to our friend JJ's new house (she just moved) for a party.

The party was tons and tons of fun, I can't give away too much without completely incriminating myself, but... yeah. The only people I knew there were Amy and KTG$ and JJ, so I got to meet a ton of really great new people. Everyone there was so beautiful. There was not a single unattractive person at this party. Gorgeous boys and gorgeous girls. And everyone was so incredibly nice.

This really cute, petite little blonde girl wearing an oversized men's t-shirt reading "I BEAT ANOREXIA" as a dress brought brownies. Actually it was just a big plate with a giant hunk of brownie on it, and there were no silverware or plates or anything so people just kind of collectively picked at it... Haha. But yeah. I told her she was my new best friend.

We also fit seven people on an air mattress and this boy named Corbin tried to convince me to make out with his cute hipster friend, to which I protested with, "but I don't know any of these people so I need to keep it classy..."

Oh, it was so much fun. I wish I could relate every single little detail to you guys, but alas, we have 24 more hours to go.

We left around midnight, exchanging numbers and promises of Facebook friendship on our way out, Amy yelled, "I'm addicted to painkillers, did you know that?" a little too loudly in the middle of the street, which led to us befriending this very kindly young shirtless man with gauges and a really obnoxious tattoo.

When we got back to Amy's house, I put on Amy's fur hat and sent some regrettable text messages, and we called Tyler and told him to come over too, because we didn't want our party to be over. KTG$ fell asleep really quickly, but Amy and Tyler and I stayed up really late and watched Brokeback Mountain (Amy and I both cried) and ate disgusting amounts of trail mix and Tyler made me a delicious sandwich and I finished the chocolate frog.

I fell asleep in Amy's bed, along with her and her dog Roxanne.

When we woke up this morning, Amy and KTG$ and I ate breakfast (Honey Nut Cheerios) and KTG$ left and then Amy and I creeped on Facebook and Tumblr for a really long time. I accepted/sent a ridiculous amount of friend requests to/from a few of the great people I met last night, and got tagged in the greatest pictures, ever.

Then Amy and I made brownies, because we're disgusting. We watched Highway, which is a really really cute and funny (but also quite vulgar) movie starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Jared Leto (drool). I loved it, sooo much.

We then went swimming (exercise!) and had a really long heart to heart about people that have hurt us in the past and BWH (Bitches We Hate). Then her daddy brought us pizza, which was heavenly.

Then we made the drive back to my house, discussing how happy and content we were the whole way, and we were joined by our friend Taylor (not Guy!Taylor who I've talked about before, this is Girl!Taylor). We watched the beginning of 17 Again and Corbin, who we met last night texted Amy inviting us to another party at his friend's house, which we considered going to, but I felt too disgusting and exhausted and Amy had to be home at 12:30 tonight so it just wasn't convenient. I wish we could have made it though, he was a really nice guy.

Then Amy and Girl!Taylor left my house and now I'm here, writing this blog, from my couch, and my eyes feel heavy but my heart feels light.

I love my friends and love experiences like these. I love summer. But for now, I need sleep. Sweet, sweet sleep.

Goodnight guys.

Weight: ?

Twitter followers: 953

Why today is awesome: I woke up next to Amy. It doesn't get much better than that.

Your name appears at such an alarming rate in this town, I can't escape it.

Hey readers! I need to come up with a cute nickname for you guys. Haha. Major kudos for Leigh, Alycia, James, Marta, Marina, Elz, Sabrina, Carolyn, and Kaelin. Thanks for the attempts at getting me motivated, and I'm glad you guys appreciate my food adventures. It makes this all worthwhile, doesn't it?

Well, this is another earlier-than-usual post (6:40 PM) but, you know. I do what I can. Last night, I Skyped with Nik, Deidre, and Kenzie until the wee hours of the morning. Eventually me and Nik were the only ones left, so we were in a video call until five in the morning. We discussed such important things as our dieting habits (we're going to be each other's support system from now on, haha) and we laughed at really, really offensive jokes. Like. Really in-bad-taste type stuff. But it was the middle of the night, we were exhausted and just goofing off with good old friends, you know how it is.

It makes me feel good to be back in the loop with all of them. Last summer we all used to be always connected through texting, Skype, Tokbox, BlogTV shows, and we were just constantly with each other, even though we live so far apart. And then I guess when the school year started again I got wrapped up in my "real" life, and with Posh Spice, and for the most part the only thing that kept me tied to them was the FTFK channel. And that's another reason why I'm so grateful to be a part of the FTFK family, or, as Ally put it, our Ohana. Because no matter how far I stray, they always welcome me back with open arms. I love everyone involved in the FTFK community dearly, and that includes the fans and supporters. They really are a part of the family as well.

So I woke up at two in the afternoon today (aren't you guys proud of me?) and just got important stuff done. So I don't have any interesting anecdotes or embarrassing stories to share, sorry.

But, for dinner my stepmom made this really interesting chicken-rice-vegetables combo thing, with a honey mustard sauce. Just so you guys know, I love honey mustard. It's like, the nectar of the gods. I could drink the stuff. So that excited me.

Oh and we got 17 Again (the movie with Zac Efron) to watch tonight. So I just texted Daniella and asked her to come watch it with us (us being me and my parents) tonight. Hopefully she can. She lives in the city next to mine, like fifteen minutes away, so while it's not as difficult for her to drive out to my house as say, Amy or KTG$ or Tyler (they live like forty-five minutes away), it's still kind of a hassle. You get spoiled when you live in a suburban town like mine. Everything is within a five mile radius of my house.

Today I started the "Burn Fat!" sector of the six-week workout program, and I'm supposed to do these cardio move things followed by the yoga I did last week. I started doing the cardio moves, and I felt ridiculous and they were just a hassle and I wasn't sure I was doing them right so I figured, hey, why waste my time with this stupid form of cardio when I can just jog? So that's what I did instead. Followed by the yoga. Which I have grown to enjoy, even if I still fail at it with my inflexibility.

Daniella just texted me back and she can't make it tonight because she's going with her boyfriend to "buca de bepo", and I have no idea what that is, but that's okay. I texted Amy inviting her, and she also has other plans. WHAT'S GOING ON WITH MY FRIENDS? And Alison is on vacation and Michelle is at camp.

Amy invited me over to her house to join in on her plans but I would have to have my dad or stepmom drive me, and they never drive me anywhere. And it's like a thirty to forty five minute drive and I don't know how I'd get home tomorrow. But I'll try, I suppose. The night is still young.

So. I'm going to go attempt convincing my lazy parents to enable me to have a social life. See you guys tomorrow.

Weight: 111.2 (me and and Nik are weight loss buddies now though, so...)

Twitter followers: 949

Why today is awesome: I woke up to an empty house. I love that feeling.

No matter where I go, no matter what I do.

Thanks a million to Alycia, Sabrina, Uncle Chris (I'm glad you appreciate my soup picks, hahaha), Alison, Carolyn (no, I'm not confirmed. I was baptized as a Lutheran when I was little though), Lisa, and James. I really enjoyed reading the comments of those of you who told me about your personal beliefs and it was really cool how they were all unique, no two were alike. I really like that. And I feel that's the way faith should be. It should be your personal relationship with God, or Allah, or the universe, or whatever. It's yours. No one should have the power to change that for you. I love you guys!

This is a very early entry (it's only four pm) compared to when I normally post, but it's mostly because I am putting off doing all of that important stuff I said I was going to do... I will be productive, but for now, I blog.

I decided I'm going to stop linking to every blog post on Tumblr. It's just kind of a hassle and it clutters my Tumblr and distracts from the things I want to post on Tumblr. Plus, it just makes my Tumblr seem less like a place of self-expression and more like a hub for me to self-promote. And that's definitely not what I want. This blog and my Tumblr are probably the two most personal internet outlets for me, Tumblr being the more community-oriented side of things and this being my solo project. So, I hope you guys all have this blog bookmarked and will still stop by every once in a while even when I'm not throwing it in your face daily.

Today I came up with the brilliant idea to take Oreos, split them open, place a layer of chocolate chips on side, microwave it for 15 seconds so the chocolate chips get melty, and re-assemble. So guess what my sister and I have been snacking on all day? Yeah, I know, this blog is basically just an ongoing list of the disgustingly unhealthy (but occasionally really creative) things I eat...

My stomach pretty much hates me right now. But, I promised it I would return to my healthy-ish ways once the weekend is over. So I don't feel bad right now.

"ALL THE GIRLS POST THE SAME FOUR PICTURES. ALL THE BOYS GOT THE SAME GIRL'S HAIR." Awwwe, "She Doesn't Get It" by The Format just came on iTunes shuffle. This is one of the songs that was blared obnoxiously from Taylor's speakers that night we all went to Chili's. So I'm smiling.

Oh, and I pretty much feel like a terrible friend because I haven't written any letters to my best friend Michelle while she's been at camp since I've been home. This has been due to equal parts laziness/distractedness/forgetfulness. It's not because I don't care, every day I tell myself, "okay, you're going to set aside time to write that letter today" but then I just don't remember. And I feel really bad, and there really is no excuse... And then I guess yesterday she was home for a day and she apparently texted me but I honestly never received it and she probably thinks I'm blowing her off but that's really not the case and just. Gah. I don't know what to do guys, I hate it when she gets mad at me. I'll just write her a really heartfelt letter/novel tonight and hope for the best, I suppose, during what's normally my blogging time.

Since this blog is going absolutely nowhere, I'm going to write you guys a couple lists.

1) Things bothering me right now:

• I'm a bad friend (see above).
• My stomach hurts.
• I feel dirty but I'm too lazy to take a shower.
• My dad is currently yelling about the World Cup and it's obnoxious.
• I started following Devin Oliver's (vocalist of the band I See Stars) girlfriend on Twitter and now I feel guilty about ever lusting after him because I remember what it's like to be dating the attractive-band-frontman-guy and dealing with the fangirls and such. So I am sending her apology vibes. Lots and lots of apology vibes.

2) Things I want to get accomplished before bed tonight:

• Do my online orientation/get registered for SSC.
• Do something about the disgusting amount of laundry that is taking over my bedroom floor.
• Take a shower and go to the bookstore and get something new to read.
• Do some yoga.
• Write Michelle a letter.

3) Links you should click on:

• Chelsea Rodriguez- I've mentioned her before. This is her music MySpace (she sings and plays the piano) and she has a gorgeous voice and she's adorable and I love her. A lot. So go have a listen, and add her, will you?

Well. I guess I'm going to get off my butt and do something with my life now. Which probably means I'll procrastinate on Tumblr for another hour. But I love you guys regardless. Have a good one!

Weight: Not weighing myself today ftw

Twitter followers: 938

Why today is awesome: It's this beautiful creature's 20th birthday today!

I'll start to worry when I'm dead

Hey Sabrina, Blair, Kaelin, Ashley, Alycia, and James! Thanks for making enough sense of yesterday's completely jumbled and ramble-tastic post to leave a comment. You guys rock.

Today was another win, I suppose. It was probably the least productive day I've had in a while, although it was the most fun.

I rolled out of bed around noon-ish, threw on whatever clothes happened to be on the floor at that moment, and pasted some goop on my face to make myself look like a semi-decent human being, and began a three-hour Tumblr lurk-fest. I really love Tumblr. Like. Really.

Alison rolled up in my driveway around three or four-ish, because the two of us combined create one big mashed up ball of awkwardness and non-productivity and loserdom. We are basically both anti-social hermits. And that's just how it goes... I couldn't decide what to wear, and she sat at my kitchen table drinking some nasty parsley-tea (yeah, gross) that's supposed to help her with some health-issues she's having... and to make the unappealing concoction taste better, she decided it would be a smart idea to add in milk and nesquick... She drank the whole cup. I seriously wanted to gag watching her.

While we were musing around my kitchen table and trying to find ways to procrastinate and keep Alison from getting her Florida Virtual School done, the subject of chocolate chip pancakes came up. Alison, in her never-ending genius, wondered out loud what would happen if you baked chocolate chip pancake batter in a cake pan in the oven. And we instantly decided that sounded like a great idea. We asked my dad if he thought it would work, to which he replied, "uh, no." But, Alison and I were determined not to get anything of importance done today, so we drove to publix, where we spent an unnecessary amount of time picking out chocolate chips and awkwardly avoiding eye contact with some kids working a charity booth thing at the door.

Once back at my house, we whipped up some Aunt Jemima's pancake mix, tossed in an absurd amount of chocolate chips, and poured it in an 8 by 8 inch square pan. We baked it for ten minutes at 350 degrees (in case any of you are inspired by our ingenuity to make your own chocolate chip pancake cake), which we basically just guessed sounded like a reasonable time and temperature.

And the result? It came out perfectly. It was soft and fluffy, but not soggy or too doughy. It wasn't browned like a normal pancake. We cut it into four pieces, (one for me, one for Alison, one for my little sister and one extra), and put them on plates, with butter and syrup on top. It was seriously the most gorgeous looking piece of culinary excellence I'd ever laid eyes on. Alison took a picture of it with her Minolta, because it was that worthy.

And it tasted even better. Seriously the most delicious thing I've ever put in my stomach. Ever. Alison and I ended up splitting the extra piece. So good.

Alison attempted to do her FLVS on my computer but it just wasn't working out, plus our friend Bianca yelled at her over the phone for being unproductive, so she went home to do important stuff and I laid on my couch, moaning and groaning in sort of a sugar-induced half-coma, watching Princess and the Frog for about the billionth time.

My stepmom came home around six and we had pizza for dinner and even though I was so stuffed already, I ate two pieces because it was delicious. And now I can barely move.

I should probably get some college-related things done tonight. I think that's what I'm going to do.

I have no idea what I want to do tomorrow. I have a million things I should do, like practice driving and do laundry and study for the CPT, so maybe I'll place myself in social isolation for the day so I can get some of that done. We'll see.

Also I watched High School Musical 3. Which is only significant because Zac Efron... Well. That needs no further explanation.

I sure love you guys lots and lots.

I also love the song "If God Smokes Cheap Cigars" by Envy on the Coast. It just came on shuffle, and it really takes me back to sophomore year. And I remember thinking how much the lyrics directly related to a lot of how I was feeling about God and religion at the time. This was right about when my atheist beliefs were starting to falter on me.

I was in this place where not only did I feel completely abandoned by God ("if there's a God, why would he let this happen to me?" sound familiar?) but I also had a very "I'll believe it when I see it" attitude towards it. But I always had this ongoing war inside myself, because through it all, I wanted to believe there was something beyond this world, something more important.

I kept telling myself that simply wanting something to be true doesn't make it true, but what I didn't realize that I was just suppressing this faith that has always been inside of me. And faith, I believe, is what has enabled me to get through all the struggles life has thrown at me. Because my faith goes beyond just God and Heaven and Hell. My "faith" includes my faith in people, my faith in the human spirit, my faith in myself, and my faith that we each have something great to be working towards...

I'll save the rest of my atheist-to-believer transformation story for a rainy day, I think.

I don't talk about my religious beliefs a lot, (not just on the internet, but with anyone, really, it's something I hold very personal and intimate) but there's a taste of it. I am a believer in God, I try to be Jesus-like as I can (he was a cool guy), but I am skeptical of organized religion in general. In case my God-speech gave you the wrong idea, I am pro-choice, a very strong advocate for gay rights and I'm probably one of the least judgmental people you will ever meet. I just love Jesus. And I think that we're each destined for something bigger than this world.

Okay. This blog went from a story about Bree and Alison's crazy baking adventures to a sermon, and all because the right song came on iTunes shuffle. I'm such a distractible person.

Later y'all.

Weight: didn't weigh myself today, and don't care too much right now.

Twitter followers: 935

Why today is awesome: There are oreos in my cupboard, right now.

HxC.

Virtual cookies all around for Kaelin, Connie, James, Alycia, Sabrina, Tristen, and Joey. Thank you guys for your incredible amounts of caring and understanding. I'm glad you guys could kind of see that side of things... And I hope the subject matter didn't get you down too much. I really am very happy about everything.

Today was another great and happy and wonderful day.

I woke up and watched A Series of Unfortunate Events with my little sister and ate fiber bars.

Around three-ish, my buddy Andrew came over and we just sort of sat around a listened to music and talked in my room for a while. It was nice. He's a really sweet guy, and we get along so well. He's just impossible not to like. My dog kind of molested him though, and that was awkward. After that we went to Taco Bell, where we ate delicious potato tacos, which sound like a terrible idea, but really, they are the most beautiful fast food item in existence. I think all of you should go to Taco Bell, right now, and order one. They're only 89 cents each.

After Taco Bell, we went to this show at a venue called "The Gate" that I had no idea existed. And it's less than a mile from my house. The first time we tried to get there, we actually missed it and drove a mile and a half in the wrong direction... Finally, we made use of the nifty GPS on Andrew's phone and found it... It was basically a concert hall in a church.

It was all local bands. There were two acoustic one-man type things, The Ollinator and Political Love Affair. Then there was this band Astana, they're pretty big in my area, and they are actually on tour right now. After Astana, Awaken Great City played, and they're made up of some of my really good friends, Ian, Chris, Keith... And they have a really pretty female vocalist named Makenzie who probably thinks I'm super creepy because I like, idolize her. And a band called Messengers was playing last, but Andrew and I left before their set.

The whole thing was really great. I got to see lots of people who I love and haven't seen in a while. I spent time with Ian and Chris and Makenzie, like I mentioned above. And I ate from the Awaken Great City official Dorito's bag.

My friend Ricky, who I haven't seen since like, November '09, was there. He's actually Astana's merch guy and is on tour with them. So that was exciting. He gave me a "Hello, my name is [blank space where I wrote "Bree Bear!" in black sharpie] and I heart Hooters!" sticker, which I displayed proudly on my shirt for all to see. I thought that was pretty great.

I got to see some friends from school that I haven't seen since like, graduation, Kayla and Michael (they are such an adorable couple, everyone was skeptical at first but they have certainly proved them all wrong), JP and Shelby (I hope they get married), Bradley and Heather (all these cute couples, hahah), Ryan, Renee... And Chelsea, who is pretty much my soul mate, was there also. I was just, surrounded by love and it was wonderful. And I'm sure I'm forgetting tons of other people, but, you get the gist.

Posh Spice was there too. But, we're really good at pretending that we don't see each other. It makes things run so much smoother. However... Posh Spice is a vocalist, of the hardcore persuasion, in his own band (who didn't play tonight) and both Astana and Awaken Great City had him do some guest vocals in one of their songs... Which was fine, except for during AGC... simply because, I was right up on the stage, in the dead center, and when they handed him the mic he stood directly in front of me, and crouched down in the manner that screamers normally do, and was kind of screaming in my face, and I was trying my best to look at Makenzie (not that that's hard to do, she's beautiful...), but, seriously, he was screaming in my face... Kind of hard to ignore. But then he went away. So it was okay. I had no idea that he was going to be guesting for them, and if I had... maybe I'd have stood somewhere else.

Well, Andrew and I left after Awaken Great City's set and he took me home and here I am... The whole experience was really fun. Mostly because I got to see so many fabulous people that I love. But also because I really dig live music. All of it. I love it. I mean, the majority of the music I listen to is really good quality, indie-ish bands, but I do listen to hardcore on occasion, and I enjoy it, but more as a novelty. But, I particularly love hardcore shows, even though sometimes the music can be really bad and so many of the kids on that side of "the scene" are really disgustingly douchey and fake and live to fulfill some dead stereotype with their over-processed hair and their animal print and their face-metal. It's just that the passion and atmosphere at those shows is almost overpowering. It's such an experience, every time. It was nice to be there. I haven't been to a legit show like that in a while, I've been mostly getting my fix from outdoor house shows and party type things. And that's fun too, but the acoustics are never as good, the Florida heat and humidity is nearly unbearable and you just don't get that same intimate feeling that you get indoors. But maybe that's just me.

Anyway. I'm home now. I've been drinking lots of ice water and had to explain to my stepmom that no, Andrew and I are not romantically involved. She makes me laugh sometimes. She always asks that about my guy friends that come over. It just gets taxing after a while, because, to put it simply, I have a ton of guy friends. I have more guy friends than girl friends. However, I am closer to the few girl friends that I have than I am to my guy friends. If that makes sense. And I'm not even tomboyish or anything. I'm really one of the prissiest, most feminine girls you'll ever meet. I freak out about my hair constantly and I wear things with lots of lace and ruffles and I never leave the house without makeup. I just... happen to have more guy friends, somehow. Hahaha. I think it's because I find them easier to talk to. Girls sometimes intimidate me.

After I got home I received a really random "hey you" text from a boy I used to have a crush on. Let's call him, in the tradition of Posh Spice and Tastycake, Vanilla Ice. I'd explain why I chose that as his code name, but... I won't. Hahaha. Anyway we've been texting and he suggested we hang out soon, to which I enthusiastically said yes. So that's good and dandy and wonderful. I don't want to get any of your hopes up or give you the wrong idea though, we're just friends and it's most likely going to stay that way (but hey, I'm not psychic either...). But he is beautiful. And has the most well-rounded personality out of anyone I've ever met. Seriously. He's super intelligent, well-spoken, into photography (and is actually, legitimately good at it, and uses old-school film and I don't know why I find that so impressive), plays keyboard in a band, and plays soccer... He has like, the best of ALL worlds. That's why I had such a big crush on him. Because he's just like, an all around impressive guy.

I'm also texting Alison. I love her. Probably more than anyone. We just get each other on a level that is impossible to explain to anyone outside our little bubble of awkward love... She shares the little flaws and anxieties that I have that I thought no one else experienced... Gah. I get to see her tomorrow. She is lovely.

Well. I guess that's all for today. I'm going to go shower now and sort of wallow in my own happiness. Thanks for listening, as always.

P.S. Joey, I love Harry Potter.

Weight: 109.5

Twitter followers: 931

Why today is awesome: I have a bangover.