Dead. Again.

Today I spent a good majority of my day at my nannan's house, came back to my mom's for a bit, and then went on a repo with my stepdad. In case I haven't told you guys, my stepdad and mom own a repo and towing business. It's exciting, yes?

But I'm all tuckered out. Love you guys!

HI I AM DEAD

Wow. So. What a day.

Today I rolled out of bed at the painful hour of nine in the morning. I brushed my teeth, laundered my whites, and ate some pancakes.

At eleven o'clock, my dad and I piled in the car and he took me to a gas station in the middle of nowhere to meet up with my mom, and at that point I piled myself and all my luggage into her Chevy Tahoe and headed to my other home.

My new other home, actually. My mom moved while I was back at home. It's forty-five minutes closer now! The new house is really nice, it's a lot closer to civilization as well, which can be seen as a negative or a positive.

Also, I'm watching a Degrassi re-runs and hyperventilating over Munro Chambers's attractiveness.

After I got to the new house, my mom and stepdad and I got back into the Tahoe, and hooked a trailer to the back of it which held an airboat that my stepdad is selling and wanted to take to his dad's house to fix it up. He got the trailer and airboat from a pawn shop owner, so the trailer was kind of crappy. Not saying that pawn shop owners inherently abuse their trailers, but I'm saying my stepdad would never allow his own trailer to get into this sort of condition.

So we're driving down the road, and about ten minutes into the trip we hear a thump, and I whip my head around to see a tire rolling away down the road. A tire had popped off the trailer. So we pulled over on the side of the road, my stepdad inspected the damage, and then it was decided that my mother and I would wait with the boat & trailer on the side of the road in the middle of East Jesus Nowhere while my stepdad went back and got his friend Pepper to come back with an extra trailer and take care of it.

So my mother and I waited for a good thirty minutes. I laid out on the front of the boat and got some sun, and watched a small green caterpillar pace back and forth.

My stepdad came back with his tow truck, and his friend Pepper with his pickup truck and another trailer. We put the boat on Pepper's trailer to avoid any damage, and then stuck the wheel-less trailer on the back of my stepdad's tow truck, and rigged the part with the missing wheel so that it (hopefully) wouldn't drag.

Our rig fell apart shortly after we started moving, and the sound of the metal dragging on the asphalt at 60 mph was kind of awful. But I was laughing too hard to care. You know the yellow reflector things in the middle of the road? Yeah, we scraped several of those off on the way home. And there were sparks. Lots and lots of sparks.

We got home, fixed the trailer-boat situation, and then resumed our journey to Richard (my stepdad)'s parents house. I refer to his parents as Nannan and Papaw. Just so you know.

When we got there, I was attacked by a small, adorable but hyper four year old girl named Skyla who immediately declared me her friend and I was thrust into a active game of freeze-tag/catch/hide-and-seek. She wore me out. I sat and talked with my nannan and mom for a while and ate ice cream, because I'm a fattie.

Then we went to Wal-mart, where I bought a new tank top, eyeshadow, some fiber tablets, and the ingredients to make Mississippi Mud Cake. I made the cake as soon as we got back to the house, and pretty much destroyed my mother's beautiful kitchen in the process. Mississippi Mud Cake, for those of you who don't know, is a wonderfully rich and calorific dessert that consists of a wonderful chocolate sheet cake, a layer of melty marshmallows, and chocolate frosting with walnuts. It's pretty beautiful. Not gonna lie.

And then, here I am, at my mom's kitchen table, watching Degrassi.

Excuse me while I enter a chocolate-induced coma.

Intense.

The title of this blog is also the only possible way I could describe this day.

I woke up at 3 in the morning due to going to bed at an abnormally early hour, which was originally in anticipation of rising at 5:30 to get ready to help Alison paint her senior parking spot.

So I basically did a whole bunch of productive things in that couple of hours.

Alison wasn't texting me/showing up at my house at the time she'd originally stated, so I treated myself to a delicious breakfast of cinnamon toast and fruit (with sprinkles). It was the greatest thing. Finally Alison called me and informed me she'd be a little later than expected to my house, so I was allotted a nap. And when I woke up? Alison, Amy, and Bianca were all filing one by one into my house. At the time (eight-ish?) my dad was the only other person awake, so of course he was like, "lolwut why are all these underaged loudmouthed girls in my house" which was funny.

And then everyone sat down at my table, and out of habit, automatically helped themselves to the contents of my kitchen and told me about the shenanigans they'd gotten into the previous night. That made me smile, a lot. We were like one big crazy family.

But then Alison did the unthinkable. She started to make cinnamon toast- THE WRONG, DISGUSTING, IMMORAL WAY.

She- can you believe this?- put the bread in the toaster, took it out, spread the butter on, and then sprinkled on some cinnamon. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.

For your information, readers, this is not how you make cinnamon toast. You make cinnamon toast by getting a bowl, mixing and mashing together the butter (or other butter-flavored spread of your choosing) with lots of cinnamon, lots of sugar, and a teeny bit of vanilla, until it's an even consistency. Then you spread the mixture on the bread, covering it to the edges. You stick it in the oven for like 5-10 minutes, and then under the broiler for 1-2 minutes. And when it comes out, it's a beautiful, caramelized, crunchy-on-top-but-soft-on-the-inside creation of sugary buttery cinnamon bliss.

I don't mess around with my breakfast foods.

So after properly scolding Alison for her cinnamon sin bread, we all piled into into Amy and Alison's vehicles, and drove off to my old high school, a place I haven't been to since before graduation. But not really. It was only the parking lot. Which carries a lot of fond memories for me, mostly of sitting in Alison's car waiting for everyone else to leave because she was too timid to deal with the exit line and traffic. But there's also the sitting in Shelby's truck just talking before leaving, the times Taylor drove me home blasting his ska music, the time a chandelier was put into the bed of Ryan's truck... sigh. My senior year and I had a love/hate relationship, obviously.

This morning, the north side of the parking lot was filled with the scantily clad paint-covered bodies of the class of 2011, a rather sketchy bunch... This morning was all it took for me to fully understand Alison's intense (even more so than normal) hatred of going to school- these people kind of sucked. Amy and Bianca and I don't go to that school (anymore), so we felt above everyone, but poor Alison... she has to see those people every day. We were later than everyone else, but we did not care. We found Alison's parking spot (E7!) and went to work creating a giant swirly white flower, surrounded one side by blue and one side by black (we were only allowed to use our school colors, blue and white, in addition to silver & black) and her name in big block letters around the edges. The midmorning Florida sun was disgustingly hot, and the blacktop blistered our bare feet. By the end of it we were sweaty, covered in paint, sunburnt (well, I was the only one who got sunburnt, my Northern European genes do me no good in such situations), and just ready to leave. Which we did, eventually. Amy left first and then Bianca, and me and Alison last.

Alison and I went back to my house to regroup, which meant she laid on my bed and had a crisis, and then we went on adventure to solve said crisis, which required a lot of courage and nerve on her part, but in the end it was a relief. The solving of the crisis actually took up a good part of our energy and resolve today, and I wish I could tell you about it, but alas, it's too personal.

In celebration of the crisis-defeat, we went to Dunkin Donuts, and did what healthy people do- eat doughnuts and ice cream. Specifically, a marble frosted doughnut for her, a rainbow sprinkle with chocolate frosting doughnut for me, and two scoops of coffee-flavored ice cream to split. In fact, here's a picture, via Alison's twitpic. Enjoy that image. I know I did. I'm still thinking about it. It was absolutely gorgeous. Granted, it didn't agree so well with my stomach, which I had put two laxatives into that morning, thirty minutes later, but it was so, so worth it. My only regret is that I didn't buy a whole box for myself.

But that's a lie, I won't be eating ANYTHING tonight due to the current volatile and stubborn nature of my digestive system. And I can honestly say, I wouldn't even make an exception for more delicious, sugary, calorie-laden doughnuts. Honestly.

Then we came back to my house, collapsed on my bed, and looked at funny pictures on Tumblr. I stripped to my underwear to find that I now have a t-shirt & shorts tan line. Only it's not a tan line. It's a sunburn line. AND. On top of this, there are also random places around my leg where paint splattered and smeared on me, and when I peeled the paint off in the shower, and I literally have paint splatter tan lines. I look like a deformed dalmatian. And thanks to Safari's spell check, I just found I've been spelling "dalmatian" wrong my entire life. I've always put an "o" where the third "a" is. And now I feel stupid.

After Alison left my house, by no will or want of her own, and after my shower, I collapsed into one of the heaviest naps I've ever had the pleasure of taking. It was bliss. Sometime while I was sleeping, my dad came home from Ikea with the slats needed to complete my bed- oh yeah, for those of you who don't read my Tumblr, after all the stress and mayhem we went through to procure my fifty dollar bed frame (which we found literally AS THE STORE WAS CLOSING), we brought it home and assembled it only to find that it didn't include the bottom barred part that's required to hold up a mattress.

So, when I woke up from my nap, I groggily stumbled out of my room and to my dad's desk, and asked him, "WHAT DO WITH WOOD THINGS I DON'T KNOW FIX IT DAD PLEASE GRAAAWRRRRRGHHH". I'm really freaking pleasant when I first wake up.

So we assembled my bed. I'll miss my mattress-on-the-floor days, intensely. I felt like a monk or something for that whole period of time. But, it's cool to be in an actual bed like a civilized human being.

Then I showed my stepmom my sunburn and wrote this blog.

END DAY.

Monkey & Bear

Today was a high stress day that involved me getting my new bed from Ikea and some not-entirely-necessary comments from my stepmother.

But that's not what this blog will be about.

This blog will be a follow-up from yesterday.

First off, before you guys jump to crazy conclusions about what it was I did yesterday, just know that it was nothing illegal, and I was comfortable enough to go to my biological mom for advice about it. What happened wasn't really something I did, it was something I allowed to happen, and it wasn't bad or wrong in and of itself, there's just some other issues at hand behind it.

Yesterday, when I was having a mild emotional breakdown over the "incident" on the phone with Alison, I made it sound like my main concern/problem with the situation had to do with other people. "Oh if this person knew, she would hate me" and "there is still emotional involvement here and here and it's not fair to anyone" and "but I like Vanilla Ice!" and "I don't want to be the rebound" and etc..

Then, last night, I was laying in bed, reading a cookbook and listening to Joanna Newsom on my iPod. The song Monkey & Bear came on, which is a beautiful, beautiful song, and I highly recommend you go listen to it, right now.

The song tells the story of a monkey and a bear who leave the circus, the monkey promising to provide the bear with friendship and freedom and happiness, but, as it turns out, the monkey is actually using the bear, and manipulates her into dancing and preforming for money just like she did for the circus. I'd explain it better, but you could just google the lyrics. In fact, go do that right now. I'll wait.

Welcome back! I'm assuming you read those lyrics, yeah? Okay. Well hopefully you gathered that the bear just wanted to be free, and when she realized the monkey was a stupid lying piece of dookie, she schemes to run away from the monkey. And she drowns trying to do so. But the message of the song is that freedom is worth everything. And that sometimes, our freedom as we perceive it is an illusion.

As you probably know, "Bree Bear" is a commonly used pet name for me by my friends and family, and I use different variations of the term for my internet aliases. It goes a little deeper than that. Bears are my favorite animal. When I was little they were my favorite part of the zoo (even though I felt bad that they were confined to such a small space with other bears crowding them), and for the longest time I actually told relatives that I was a bear cub when I was a baby, who somehow grew into a human toddler (I now look back on this, and wonder if it's a sign that I was reincarnated). I love bears. I identify with them. Bears are solitary creatures that like to sleep for long periods of time and can be cranky and eat a lot. That's me.

And the bear from "Monkey & Bear" is no exception to this rule.

It occurred to me while listening to this song, that Ursula(the bear's name in the song)'s feelings about her oppression and abuse at the hands of the monkey are identical to my own feelings about past relationships and relationships in general. I realized just how much I absolutely detest the thought of being in a relationship, how much I value my freedom and how I never want to give that up again. I am a bear. I am a solitary creature, I'm built to be happy this way. And that is worth everything.

I really owe Joanna Newsom for enabling me to have this epiphany and put these pieces together, and now I know what needs to happen.

Thank God for music.

Guiltttt

Today I hung out with old friends at McDonalds and the park.

And then I did something, or, was swept up in something, that I may or may not regret.

I don't know. I don't want to go into detail or specifics, because I can never be sure who reads this blog, but still. I have a splitting headache as well.

When things like this come up, my natural instinct is to usually pretend it's not happening, or run away/go into hiding for a while. All I can think about right now is how much I want to curl up in Alison's bed, and watch Balto with her forever and ever. Really.

And what I did isn't even that bad. It just isn't... right. I don't know. It's weighing on my mind so heavily right now, and it shouldn't be this much of an issue.

I love you guys though.

alknawlkanwlknawlknawlknaa

THANK YOU SABRINA & CAROLYN FOR COMMENTING YAY.

Okay so. Today I rolled out of bed to a quiet household, for the first time in God knows how long. My little sister, Felicity, started first grade today! And many of my friends returned to school as well. Which means until I find a job, I'll be spending lots of quiet time at home.

Alison stopped by after her day at school, and together we enjoyed freshly baked cookies and grilled cheese and coffee while she told me all about the horrors of public high school. I thought I would feel left out, originally, because this year should be my senior year and all, and everyone is going back without me, but strangely enough, I didn't. It felt so good to spend my morning Skyping and watching Skins with Ally.

Then Alison and I watched MORE Skins, because she's still working her way through series 2.

After she left I felt really sad.

Also the attractive waiter from Carlos & Charlie's (whose name is Anthony) texted her. My excitement for my best friend cannot be kept quiet.

I had to babysit Felicity tonight while my parents took Diesel to his training class. Fun stuff. I also watched Driving Lessons. It didn't quite live up to my ridiculously high expectations for it, but I loved it nonetheless. It's a coming-of-age story, and it's worth watching. Rupert Grint is adorable and perfect, etc.

I can't wait to watch Degrassi tonight and go to sleep, you have no idea. Also, I've been doing these exercises to help tone my back lately (in addition to my regular routine) and I feel absolutely destroyed afterwards, so I think they're working.

Milly and Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

Thank you to Carolyn, Claire, Lauryn, and Olivia! You guys are the sweetest. It's really flattering that you guys think my life is exciting enough to read about, it means a lot.

Last night I went to bead around ten, but I was woken up at midnight by Latin music. Yes, Latin music. I ran to my window to see a live Mariachi band playing across the street from my house, and all my Hispanic neighbors outside with beer and food and festivities! I wanted so badly to go out and join the party, but I didn't want to wake up my parents, plus I'm too shy to walk up to a random party like that. If I had had Amy or Alison with me though, we totally would've done it. So instead, I sat out on my patio and watched and listened to the music.

I came back inside, and watched La Vie En Rose (one of my favorite movies of all time) and talked to my friend Bradley(who I actually dated once)'s current girlfriend, Heather. We've always been friendly acquaintances, but last night we actually had a really good conversation that lasted a couple hours. I like her a lot, and she's a couple years younger than me but she lives right down the street from me.

Then I woke up this morning, talked on the phone with Alison for a bit, and then I went thrifting with my new friend Milly. Milly is this really sweet, pretty girl who was in my driver's ed class in junior year but we've never actually talked. But apparently, we mutually Facebook/Tumblr stalked each other. So today we hung out for the first time. I really like her and I hope we start hanging out more regularly!

I got two new movies that I've been really wanting to see, but are impossible to find, The Science of Sleep and Driving Lessons. So I'm very excited about that.

Anyway, I'm very very tired, so I'm going to get some rest. Goodnight!

Attractive waiters and self discovery

So sorry for skipping yet another day last night, but I wasn't at home, obviously.

Last night had to be one of the funnest nights of my summer. In celebration of Alison's birthday, I went out with Alison, Bianca, and Amy and had a really amazing time.

I got all dressed up, cute dress and heels, pretty makeup and hair (which sadly got killed by the Florida humidity) and Alison came and picked me up, and we met the other two girls at Bianca's house. After making ourselves look as attractive as possible, we went to this restaurant called Carlos and Charlie's. It's a nice enough place, the atmosphere is really really fun, there's dancing and a bar, and really, really good Mexican food, but the highlight of the whole experience is the super attractive waiters. Our waiter's name was "Craigilicious" and he was so much fun.

The greatest thing was that Craigilicious and this other (even more attractive) waiter would always stop and talk to us and joke with us and they were really funny and nice. The more attractive one knew Bianca and Alison by name because they go there so much. BUT THE BEST PART was when the attractive waiter came over to our table and was like, "Do you girls like to party?" and we were just like, "uh........" and he goes on to tell us how he's having a house party next week and he invited us to come and had us all write our numbers on this piece of paper and just SINCE WHEN DOES THIS HAPPEN IN MY LIFE?! And I know to you guys this whole situation probably sounds extremely sketchy, but, he was super nice, he's nineteen, a college student, and just. Gah. I can't even.

But beyond the super attractive and charismatic waiters, the food was really delicious and the company was awesome. I split some cheese enchiladas with Amy, and they were superb. Then, since it was Alison's birthday, all the waiters came over banging these big drums and they were all, "IT'S ALISON'S BIRTHDAY, SHE'S LEGAL! LET'S SING TO HER!" and they brought her a cute little cupcake. And then the one waiter gave her a cranberry juice "shot". And she kept the shot glass. Because we're wonderful people.

The whole thing was concluded with this amazingly delicious chocolate marquis with vanilla ice cream. Oh my god. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever tasted in my life.

Amy had to leave early, which made me sad. But the car ride back to Bianca's with Bianca and Alison was filled with squeals of delight and complaints about having to pee. We got back to Bianca's and we laid on her bed for hours and just talked, about pretty much everything. We discussed one topic in particular in great length, about a certain person who has negative influence on our lives and the effect it's had... And when I was trying to fall asleep that night (which was difficult due to the presence of a "decrepit camera hand" outside of Bianca's window) I just thought to myself, "Hey, why is this person still in my life if it only makes me feel bad?"

I fell asleep and had a bad dream about my stepmom turning crazy evil.

When we woke up this morning, we gorged ourselves on waffles and banana bread and strawberry Pop-Tart. And we did lots more talking, in particular about Posh Spice, and how he's so completely out of my life now... And how amazing that is, and what a great effect it's had on me as a person. It made me realize how thankful I am for how things turned out, and how much happier I am with myself now, and what a terrible friend/boyfriend he really was, and I REALLY DON'T NEED HIM AFTER ALL YAYYYY.

Then Alison drove me home, and I came home to an empty house, which is the best feeling, and I wrote this blog entry. Because I am happy.

I love you guys, a lot.

I live in my pajamas

Today was a fail.

End.

Cinnabon and reunions

Hello blog readers! Special thanks and appreciation for Hannah and Sabrina!

So today started off like any other day. I woke up at eleven thirty, after some horrible nightmares about an ex-boyfriend of mine, stumbled out of bed to eat some apple slices and drink tea, and watched Peter Pan.

After dinner (I made cheese raviolis and garlic bread) Michelle swung by. Her time working as a summer camp counselor is coming to an end, and she had the night off. She marveled at my new room, I pulled some clothes out of the pile on my floor, and off we went.

We drove to the mall, and looked at really expensive but totally adorable boat shoes in Dillards. Then we ran into Amy and JJ, which was really exciting, so we spent some time with them. But they had to leave shortly afterwards because Amy is back in school. But we met up with Michelle's friend (but possibly more?) from camp, Colt, and got Chinese food and a Cinnabun in the food court. It was delicious. We then lurked around Barnes and Noble, and I saw several cookbooks that I wanted. So if any of you want to buy me a Christmas present... haha. But Michelle bought a Bible, and we left.

We made a very successful Target stop. I got a mirror for my room, a new cardigan, new tights, and Alison's birthday present. And some Mentos. Because Mentos are delicious. After that I went over to Michelle's house and we worked on Alison's card and then I went home.

And now, here I am, waiting to watch the new Degrassi.

Warning, Degrassi rant ahead. Non-Degrassi fans can go ahead and skip this next paragraph.

I have to say, although I will always watch Degrassi out of tradition and obligation (this series has been with me since middle school!), this series just isn't doing it for me. I think all the good storytelling and directing and intensity is put into the promos. They're starting to reuse plot lines... We've seen pregnancy/pregnancy scares/teen parenthood four times now (Manny and Emma and Mia and now Jenna) and Super Scary Internet Predators three times (Emma and Darcy and now Connor) and Fiona's abusive relationship plot has been done before (Terri, duh!). I guess the writers make sure to put unique spins on each storyline to make sure they're not all the same, and I know there's only so many teen issues you can use, but still... I feel like old Degrassi was much more inventive. I mean, remember JT's penis pump? Gah. Frustration. Maybe I'm just spoiled from watching so much Skins. Darn those Brits and their superior teen dramas. Anyway, I miss Marco, Ellie, Alex, Craig, and JT. And Bianca is totally NOT the new Alex, like everyone likes to say, even if they think they look similar, which they totally don't (just because they are both Hispanic females does not make them alike). Sure, they're both a bitchy and rebellious, but at least Alex had a brain. And Bianca is obviously a homophobe (or a transgenderphobe? I don't know the proper terminology here), and Alex was... a lesbian. Oh.

Anyway. I'm off for the night. Thanks for listening guys.

Weight: 114.2 (not as bad as I thought it would be, but we definitely have work to do)

WOW AM I SLACKING OR WHAT

But I have a valid explanation.

Monday morning, I was woken up at six in the morning, and treated to a six hour car ride all around Florida, basically, because my stepfather was looking into airboats for purchase. True story. This actually happens.

After that I was dropped off at my house, where I set up my new desk and new drawers and then fell asleep and stayed asleep for sixteen hours. This actually happens.

Then I woke up this morning, ate some apples and Ritz crackers, took my new pre-natals, which made me kind of sick, talked to my stepmom about how I'm going to have to start seeing a counselor for my SAD (social anxiety disorder, but I think the acronym is wonderfully appropriate), and dyed my hair with a wonderful box of Garnier Fructis's "Raspberry Truffle" which I bought partly because the woman on the box was gorgeous, and partly because the name sounded like something I wanted to eat. It turned out nicely, by the way. It's a deep, dark brown, almost black, with a reddish tint to it. It's also very shiny. I LOVE IT.

I also took down my bottom bookshelf which made space for the new bed frame I'm going to get. And then my dad and I cleared out my old desk, which was like built into my closet? There's still a big wooden shelf thing hanging in there that makes it impossible to hang clothes, but we're going to figure out how to take it out. SO YEAH. MORE ROOM PROGRESS. THIS IS SO FUN.

I also watched An Education and Mysterious Skin today. AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY THOUGHTS ON BOTH.

An Education was lovely. Lovely, lovely, lovely. It made me wish that I lived in that time period and place (1940's post-war England), with all the clothes and the haircuts and ACK. Carey Mulligan is gorgeous and I thought she did wonderfully. And I fell in love with Peter Sarsgaard, even though he is too old for me. Which means he played his part well- an exceptionally charming middle aged man who is capable of seducing a 17-year-old girl. GOOD JOB PETER. YOU SUCCEED. I fell in love with both of them. The story itself was timeless, and I thought it was executed beautifully.

As for Mysterious Skin... perhaps I am biased, as an eternal lover of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but I thought it was great. It was tough to watch at times (the bathtub scene is right up there with "American History X"'s curbstomping, if it's not worse due to the longevity of it), but it definitely struck something deep and emotional. I loved the fact that there were two sides to it, how it showed the two boys dealing with it in opposite ways. And what I really, really loved was that Joseph's character Neil's homosexuality wasn't portrayed as a result of the abuse he suffered as a kid, it was shown as something that was just another factor in how he reacted to it.

ANYWAY GO WATCH BOTH. But only watch Mysterious Skin if you're feeling brave. It's not for the faint-hearted. And don't watch it with your parents.

Anyway, I also had a fun little TinyChat experience with some kids from Tumblr. It was grand.

BIG THANKS ALL AROUND TOOOO: Kaelin, Claire, Alycia, and Sabrina. You guys are the sweetest. Ever./

I caught the sun on my way home

Oh, hello there.

I'm writing this from my little sister's bed. It's 1:45 AM, and it's technically Monday, the day I'm supposed to be returning to my dad's house.

But today, Sunday, was a long, eventful, fun day.

I woke up at noon, got ready, and went with my mother and stepdad to my stepdad's parents house (I call them Nan-nan and Papaw. So when you you see those two names in this blog, that's who I'm referring to.) When we got there I got to see my cousin Ryan and my little brother Joshua for the first time in ages. Joshua had been staying with Nan-nan and Papaw the whole weekend I've been here, and my other two sisters, Emily and Danielle, have been visiting their biological dad. Just after that, me and my mom and Nan-nan went to Wal-Mart, and got a few things. I restocked on pre-natal vitamins, got some hair dye (but I'm going to get a second box tomorrow just in case one box isn't enough to cover all my hair) and some drawers for my room! (Also, my mother is giving me a desk that she doesn't want any more. So that knocks a couple things off my list.)

But the best part of it all was going back to Nan-nan's trailer, and sitting with my mom and her on the couch, and just talking for three hours about everything. It was mostly the two of them talking about their marriages and mistakes in relationships and such... Basically both of them married assholes. And the whole conversation made me lose my faith in relationships and marriages and the like that much more. I just don't want that for myself. And I know I'm young and "will probably change my mind" and stuff but... I can't shake the feeling that there's no such thing as together forever, real love. Someone is always going to be unhappy.

I also got to go to Denny's at eleven at night, which is why I'm writing this so late. I had two chocolate chip pancakes, scrambled eggs, and pie... Therefore, as soon as I get back home, I'm reinstating a healthy eating plan. I'm not going to go crazy (like I said, never going back to that) but I do plan on eating like 1,200 calories a day and eating less chocolate and junk food and exercising more than I have been. And I'll start keeping track of my weight again. I'm guessing I've gained about five pounds...? So that would make me 115. Which isn't terrible, obviously, but not ideal.

I'm so sleepy. I have to make the drive home tomorrow morning. I plan on sleeping the entire way though, so.

Love you guys.

Where the heart is

Howdyyy!

Thank you's to Claire, Alycia, Sabrina & Lisa! You guys are great, every day.

I am in love with being here. I don't even know what to write about this day, other than that I am very happy.

There's a ton of fun plans lined up for tomorrow, and I pinky promise I'll tell you about every single one of those, but I'm keeping today for myself.

Love you guys.

Home sweet home

Hiiiiii guys...

Okay. Don't hurt me.

I know I skipped two, three? days. I know I know I know and I'm sorry. I just wasn't feeling the blogging feeling. But that blogging feeling is back now so. All better!

I'm writing this from the couch of my mother's house right now. Exciting, right? Four hours away from my technical home.

I decided to make the trip on a complete whim, thanks to a case of wanderlust and an existentialist crisis. I came here to reorient myself, to remind myself of the size of the world and sort of get back in touch with my roots.

Those of you that have watched my videos or have heard me speak at any point in time know that I'm Southern. My accent is not as thick as it used to be, and I don't own a pair of cowboy boots any more but it's still there. People usually pick up on it when I say things like "fixing to" or "y'all" or "ain't", or when I refer to the remote control as the "clicker" or the toilet as "the pot". I have an iTunes full of indie and alternative rock music, but I know every single word to a great majority of the country songs released in the 1990's. It's what I was raised on. I was born in Florida, but after my parents divorced when I was two years old I moved to South Carolina with my mom, and that's where my earliest childhood memories come from. South Carolina, for those of you that didn't know, is also my favorite place in the world. My mom worked as a bartender until I was eleven or twelve years old, and I spent a good part of my childhood playing in a liquor store that was attached to this bar called "Cowboys" where she worked. Of course, at the time, I referred to it as "the candy store" because all the candy displays were at eye level with me, and the cashier, Miss Kim, would always give me Cookies & Creme Hershey bars while I sat behind the counter and played with my toys. There was also a back office/storage room in the hallway that connected Cowboys to the liquor store, where I would take naps. And during the daytime, before they opened, I would go inside the bar, and run around on the dance floor, play on the mechanical bull, or sit on top of one of the pool tables while watching my Disney tapes on the bar's big screen TV.

Okay. So maybe we weren't as much "Southern" as we were "white trash". But still. These are the things I remember. And even after that, we always stayed surrounded by these types of people. We moved to this tiny tiny tiny town in the middle of nowhere at the end of my eighth grade year, where cows outnumber people and the nearest Wal-Mart is forty five minutes away. And I stayed in this town until I moved out of my mom's house before junior year. And this place is about as redneck as it gets. I am not exaggerating. I can look out the window next to me right now, and, no lie, there's cow pasture, for as far as the eye can see. Of course, it's just past our super classy above ground pool and plastic target-practice deer.

My mom always knew I was the misfit. My other brothers and sisters love the hillbilly lifestyle. And of course, I do too- but in moderation. I can't live so far away from civilization all the time. But at times like this, I need to be. Suburbia is nice, but it can suffocate you. So I needed to get out, and come back.

This town may not be where I belong, but it's still where I'm from. And that's just as important.

My mom and stepdad, Richard (yes they're still together, he's in anger management classes and she's in victim's therapy so all is good I guess) showed up at my house to get me at noon today, in the tow truck (they own and operate a repo and towing business, and make really good money doing it), which was fun. While we were trying to leave my city, we got pulled over and Richard got a citation because his window tint was too dark.

We went and saw my step-brother Alex for a little while, he's my age and I love him to death. He was at this abandoned mansion with his grandpa and they were salvaging two old trucks that were wasting away there in the yard, so we were helping them. We poked around the house too, and you could tell it was really beautiful at one point in time. We went inside and up the stairs, and it was incredible. Stupid economy.

We ate lunch at McDonalds and ran a few more errands and things, and when we finally got to the house I was so exhausted that I had to take a nap. When I woke up, we went and got Chinese food and pie. And I got to spend time with my mom and we watched TV together and talked about everything and I'm really happy right now.

This is where I want to be.

laknwlknaw

Hi readers.

As I write this, I feel like my head is going to implode.

Really. It's like my brain cells are individually fizzling out, one by one.

Here's a run down of the past twenty-four hours.

Last night after I wrote my blog entry I ordered this dress from Urban Outfitters, thanks to my awesome mother. She also agreed to order another item of clothing for me by the end of this week, which is really appreciated. I'm really, really excited about that. I love new clothes.

This morning, I got up extremely early and watched the last two episodes of season four of Skins. I had to keep pausing to sob. I won't say much because I don't want to spoil it for anyone but... wow.

After that, I had breakfast and showered and such, and made a batch of chocolate cupcakes. With strawberry frosting. And sprinkles. They were probably the most beautiful cupcakes I'd ever seen.

An hour later, Amy came over and we started preparing my room for the painting process (taking down books from the shelves and such), and Ky- I mean, Vanilla Ice, joined us and we started painting. And Alison came later and it was so much fun. I wouldn't have gotten it done without them! Unfortunately, Amy and Vanilla Ice had to leave early, so it was me and Alison left to finish the final two walls... And if you've read my blog before, you are probably aware of how useless we are together.

It was a struggle. But we did as much as we could, except for a small bit on the top of the wall where my ceiling is raised (cathedral ceilings) and neither of us could reach. But my stepmom or somebody can do that.

After a few hours of being shut in my bedroom, the paint fumes started to really affect us. We started getting super loopy, laughing uncontrollably at things that weren't at all funny, and getting these terrible headaches (which I am currently still suffering from). But somehow, it made it that much more fun.

But, Alison left, and now I am on the couch, happy that I saw these wonderful people today and got my room painted, but in pain. So see you tomorrow!

Draining

HI GUYS.

Thank you Carolyn (I watch Skins at various websites online), Megan, Sabrina (yes, I did mean you about the iHOP thing, TYPO.), Claire, Lisa, andS Alycia (iHOP is WONDERFUL).

Sorry I skipped another day yesterday, I was really, really exhausted. But I bought my paint yesterday and will be painting tomorrow!

Today I-

• Woke up and had chocolate cheerios for breakfast.
• Took a three hour nap.
• Got picked up by Alison.
• Waited with her in the parking lot of a Catholic church to meet up with some lady who she's selling an old textbook to.
• Realized she forgot her Costco membership card.
• Went to Wal-Mart
• Saw animal placenta (yes, really) for sale in the shampoo & conditioner section
• Found out that the plastic storage drawers I want for my room are 17 dollars each.
• Got a bunch of school supplies for Alison.
• Failed to find a pair of plain black tights.
• Lurked around the whole grocery section with Alison, almost bought the supplies to make dirt cups, and then this chocolate fudge brownie thing, but ultimately decided against it since there's chocolate chip cookies in my kitchen.
• Bought a frozen pizza, raisins, and butter.
• Came home, ate said frozen pizza, and now my stomach is in pain.
• Said goodbye to Alison, and got really sad even though I'm seeing her tomorrow.
• Realized my wallet is still in Alison's purse.
• Realized Alison left her recently developed photos on my bed.
• Ate mint chocolate chip ice cream out of a teacup.
• Decided I'd clean my bathroom tonight.

Alright, off for now. Goodnight guys!

Sawdust & Diamonds

Hi, today was productive and I am very tired.

Thanks to ye who commented; Elizabeth, Vanessa, Amy, Claire (YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO IHOP?!), and Alycia (I'm glad you got a listography).

Ah, but yes. I woke up this morning, wandered all zombie-like out of my bedroom and into the kitchen to find that there we had almost nothing to eat, so I resorted to toast and a fiber bar for my breakfast. After my shower I watched "American History X" with my dad. It was a really, really incredible movie. Brutal to watch at times, but really incredible. GO WATCH IT.

After that my dad and I went to go pick up my little sister from her friend's birthday party, and we got lost trying to find it. Once we got there I got to eat the cutest (but not the tastiest) cupcake ever.

We went to Home Depot and got some things we needed, but we also looked at paint and painting supplies, and my dad agreed to buy some of it, and I picked out the color I want. It's a lovely shade of light blue called "Sailor Mickey". I couldn't resist picking from the Disney line of paints... hahaha.

We concluded our errand-running with a trip to Publix. We got a ton of food, thankfully, including chocolate chip cookies (they're not homemade, but they're still delicious), mint chocolate chip ice cream (my favorite), and pizza dough. When we got home I got to make pizza for dinner.

AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN

I got a text message from Ally (of FTFK), telling me to drop everything I was doing and get on Skype, because she had to show me something.

And when I answered her video call, GUESS WHO WAS SITTING NEXT TO HER.

DANA!!!!!!

I freaked out for a solid ten minutes. I was so happy for them, I had no idea they had planned this. Dana was visiting some family that live near Ally, so Ally's boyfriend drove Ally out to see her. Isn't that exciting and amazing? I Skyped with them for over an hour, and even though I was really happy to see them together I also felt sad that I wasn't there with them. But we discussed possible future plans for me to take a train to see Ally or for Dana to come visit me, and that gave me hope. It won't be for a while, but still.

I felt like this just really helped solidify FTFK. We have such a strong bond and we really are a family. The girls have become SO important to me over the past year and a half, it's ridiculous.

And I can't wait for the day we all get to be together at the same time. But seeing as we're all underage and live all over the country, it's really difficult right now. One day, though...

Anyway. I'm off for the night. I need sleep. Love you guys.

Baby Birch

Hello blog readers!

It's eight thirty, and I am writing this to you from the comfort of my bed.

Last night was so much fun. Amy and I stayed up until four in the morning, alternating between watching Skins and Supernatural, with healthy doses of Facebook creeping and fun video making thrown in for good measure.

When we woke up this morning (or rather, this afternoon) I cooked up a glorious breakfast for the two of us, consisting of pancakes and lots and lots of maple syrup. We washed it all down with more Skins and cold milk, and when we had to say our goodbyes at four o'clock, my heart broke a little.

Beyond that, today has been really uneventful. Shortly after Amy left I mixed together egg yolk and olive oil and put in my hair to try and help with the dryness. It helped. And then I trimmed off my dead ends, they'd gotten so out of control.

I watched more Skins (I'm now on episode eight of season three) and I think the friendship between Emily and JJ rivals that of Cassie and Chris in cuteness and perfection. Cook, even though he's a huge jerk, is really entertaining to watch, and Effy is just so gorgeous and enigmatic and Freddie has the best collarbones ever.

I also love the relationship between Emily and Naomi, I think the writers of this show did such a good job with it. It feels very real and very honest, and it's rare to see a teen drama show pull it off without making it stereotypical or sugar-coated (oh, hello there Degrassi, South of Nowhere, and everything on the CW and MTV!). I think Emily is the sweetest, cutest little thing (girl crush!) and Naomi's character is perfect. And I appreciate that the fact that they both deal with their sexuality in different ways; Emily fears facing her sister and her family, and Naomi fears facing herself.

I adore Thomas and I think he's wonderfully sweet. And Pandora... When I first started season three, I thought Pandora was going to be just this flat side-kick character for Effy, the awkward and childish comic relief with no real depth, but it's nice to see her with her own storyline, and this whole other side to her (in reference the whole Cook-Pandora-Thomas triangle).

Okay. Enough Skins ranting and raving.

I got a present from my Nana today! A new cupcake cookbook (Hello, Cupcake! by Karen Tack) and an icing syringe with decorating tips. I find icing syringes a little frustrating to work with, I'm used to the old fashioned decorating bags, but I guess I could practice with it, and hey, new tips!

I also got the new Seventeen magazine in yesterday. I'm happy about Katy Perry being on the cover- maybe it's just because she resembles the trashier, more mainstream version of Zooey Deschanel, but there's something I really like about her (plus, "California Girls" is so darn catchy), and I thought her interview was really cute.

For those of you that also get Seventeen, I just want you to know that I would like to own EVERYTHING on pages 52 & 54.

Okay guys. I'm getting sleepy. See you tomorrow!

Sweet Darlin'

Hey guys! Thanks and such to Sabrina, Tristen, Claire, and Anna. You guys are the sweetest.

I'm going to have to write this post fast, because Amy should be here soon.

But basically last night was a lot of fun. Ginger!Alison and I talked and bonded a lot and I really enjoy her. We've never really hung out one-on-one like that before but after last night I think it should definitely become a regular occurrence. This morning Ginger!Alison and I walked to Rita's, and I got a chocolate custard kid's cone, and it was delicious. She also showed me this super awesome trance remix of the Inspector Gadget theme.

Ginger!Alison is one of those people who, even though we've never been extremely close before, I feel instantly comfortable talking to her and sharing things that I don't tell most people.

Anyway, after she left my house I took a shower and a nap, and Amy and I decided she would spend the night here tonight, so that's exciting.

AND OH MY GOSH AMY'S IN MY ROOM GOT TO GO BYE

Catch & Release

Hey! Big thanks to Anna and Sabrina. Especially Anna, your comment really made my day.

So it's almost nine o'clock, and I feel like putting today's blog into list form.

Things accomplished since my last blog entry:

• Left Alison's house with a huge smile on my face.
• Entered into a competition with my dad and stepmom to see who could get the best score on the Dante's Inferno quiz thing.
• Got Level 2 of Hell on aforementioned quiz. My dad got level six, and my stepmom lucked out and went to Limbo, because she's a good person, unlike me and my dad.
• Woke up this morning with the most hellish cramps EVER.
• Did some yoga/workouts, and realized that my arms are getting really impressive.
• Cleaned out my iTunes! I deleted over a thousand tracks that I don't listen to, made sure everything had proper album artwork, correct genres and release years on albums, etc. I feel cleansed and refreshed.

Now, I am just waiting around because my friend Ginger!Alison (not the same Alison from yesterday, but a different one, who is ginger) is spending the night at my house because I guess her house has a mold problem. Alright.

Also I have been spending an excessive amount of time lately listening to Stornoway. You should go check them out!

Anyway. That's all for now. I'm going to go clean the dried up blue toothpaste spit out of my sink, so that Ginger!Alison is not too traumatized by the disgrace-to-sanitation that is my house. She's never been here before, obviously.

PANIC AT THE DISCO BLOCK PARTY!

Please disregard the completely irrelevant blog title. I am currently typing this via Alison's laptop; I am sitting on her bed while she writes a letter to Michelle (who is still at camp).

Today was surprisingly productive and fun. I woke up at ten thirty, took a much needed shower, made some french toast (which was amazing) and took a four hour nap. I'm impressive.

I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing, and when I answered, I was treated to Alison's beautiful voice, telling me she would be on her way to my house soon.

Alison came over and we looked at all of Ally (of FTFK)'s Facebook pictures and felt really really bad about ourselves, because we don't have boyfriends to take disgustingly cute pictures with, and we, in general, suck at life. After this, I got out of my pajamas (at five o'clock in the afternoon, of course) and we made our way to Plato's Closet to sell off that giant bag of clothing I recently amassed while cleaning out my room. We managed to wait in the store for a good thirty minutes while the sales-girl inspected my items without any major temptation to spend our non-existent money. I got thirty dollars from the sale, which is the most money I've seen in months, hah. They didn't take alot of my clothes though, namely this fluffy and really expensive Hollister parka I wore last winter. But still. Thirty bucks. Success.

We then wandered around Joann's fabrics, because Alison said she needed something from there but couldn't remember what. Posh Spice's mom works there, so I texted her to see if she was working today and if I could say hi. She wasn't. I was sad. But there were lots of fun cake decorating and cupcake supplies to look at! We left empty-handed, but that was okay.

We stopped at Walgreen's so that Alison could drop off some film (I love her and her analog-y goodness) and then at Albertson's so that I could use the Coinstar machine- which made me another ten dollars. I'm bankin' today. Obviously.

I'll take this moment to note what an awesome driver Alison is. While attempting to enter the Walgreen's parking lot, we went in through the side entrance, which was marked with an upside-down "DO NOT ENTER" sign... Sketch. And then we were parking in the Albertson's parking lot, she didn't quite make it all the way into the proper space... There was also a creepy old man. While leaving we completely cut across the parking lot in the most ridiculous diagonal way possible.

Then we came back to Alison's house and gorged ourselves on Sloppy Joes and chocolate chip muffins. Because we're gross. And now... here we are.

We also made plans for Alison to come with me next time I spend a weekend at my mom's. I think it'll be a good experience for both of us to get out of the suburbs.

Now Alison is being cute, laying across the foot of the bed watching The Suite Life on Deck. I really love her. A lot. I'm going to join her now.

Thanks for reading, y'all!

HEY. SO. SKIPPED A DAY.

WHATTUP BLOG READERS.

Special thanks to Carolyn & Megan!

I skipped a day because the past two days I have been going, going, going, non-stop.

Unfortunately, it hasn't been interesting worth relaying to you in detail.

I cleaned out my room. And not just a general tidying up, I legitimately went through and cleaned out every nook and cranny of the place. The space under my bed and my olad chest of drawers is empty, and the only thing on my floor besides my bed is ten pairs of shoes and the six big plastic bags I crammed every article of clothing I own into. I took everything off the walls except the shelves, and the only part of the room I left untouched was my famous wall-of-books.

I went through all of my clothes as well, and put that I don't want/doesn't fit me right/never wear/etc. into a giant garbage bag, which I will take and sell to Plato's closet (a second-hand/consignment shop) tomorrow, and hopefully get some extra cash to help with the other renovation costs. I took inventory of everything, and listed it all on listography. And the list brought me to the conclusion that for fall/winter, I could use some new jeans/bottoms and and bras. I'll also need a new winter coat, and a couple hoodies. And I'd like a new pair of Oxfords.

Also yesterday, I cleaned my refrigerator. Which was even more intense than my room. I took the entire interior of the fridge apart- all the shelves and drawers and such- cleaned and sanitized everything thoroughly and individually, and made it all like new. And my fridge was a scary place beforehand. Lots of mysterious spills, possible life forms, and what was once an opened pack of individually wrapped apple slices. No joke guys, it was nasty. I took pictures of the experience.

So yeah, non stop intensity. Today was a chill day though. I didn't do anything particularly interesting, but I did make lots of interesting plans for the coming weeks, so, expect more interesting blogs!

Love you guys!