Saturday, December 4, 2010


Since I haven't blogged in a while, I figured I'd just pop in and tell you that I got hired at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter yesterday.


Basically, I applied when it first opened up a few months ago, but didn't get an interview, which I assumed was because of my age. Then, a few weeks ago, my good friend Brittany got a job there working as a greeter (basically a hostess) at the Three Broomsticks. So she was like YEAH YOU SHOULD TOTALLY TRY AGAIN.

So I did. I sent in my application just before Thanksgiving. The following Monday, I received an email letting me know they wanted to set up an interview with me!

My interview was on Thursday, and I was more nervous than I've ever been for anything ever. I went out and bought ugly interview pants. I didn't really eat or sleep the two days leading up to the interview. Thursday morning, I felt like I was about to projectile vomit everywhere.

At ten thirty on Thursday morning, I walked into the Universal Studios Human Resources building, joked with the security guard about Taco Bell, and had a seat in the holding area to wait for my name to be called. Sorcerer's Stone was playing on a television they had mounted. I took it as a good sign.

The man interviewing me was named Mark and he asked me why I wanted to work at Universal/Harry Potter. Obviously I was pretty enthusiastic with my response. He asked me several other Potter-related questions, such as what house I would sort and who my favorite character is. I had to pass a trivia test, which I totally nailed, even though he was like "since I can tell you're more advanced, I'm going to ask you really hard questions."

He then proceeded to tell me that the position I applied for (greeter) had been filled. My heart sank.


He told me a little bit about each of the three positions and I was kind of leaning towards busser because it sounded easy.

So I left, went home, watched Teen Mom and got nervous all over again, and went back to Universal for interview number two.

The manager of the Three Broomsticks was extremely nice and she asked me a few questions, then started talking to me like I already had the job. I was just like. "WHAT."

She asked me which position I wanted and I told her, "well I'm leaning towards busser" and she was like "NO I WANT YOU FOR VENDOR." And I was like, okay.

Then she hired me.



Basically my job description is to walk around Hogsmeade selling Butterbeer to the Muggles that are standing in line for other attractions/walking around. I'm a Butterbeer cocktail waitress, basically, and it's the most awesome thing ever. I get to wear a costume and pretend to be a witch and spend all day in Hogsmeade and GET PAID FOR IT. Plus I get free admission to Universal, Islands of Adventure, SeaWorld, Busch Gardens, and Wet n Wild.

I'm damn excited.

I spent the next several hours filling out paperwork and getting my picture taken. I go back to start orientation on the ninth, and I could not be more excited. Just. AGH.

I love my life right now.

This is why I don't need/want a boyfriend. I have Harry Potter.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Emotionally drained.

Wow. The past two days have been nothing but ups and downs.

Last night I went to Amy's house and we had an accidental party. I got to see Amy, KTG$, Girl!Taylor, Tyler, Keith, Chris Crownover, and Andrew. It was really great, we watched Scott Pilgrim and cuddled and took lots of ridiculous pictures.

I also made Amy a hipster cake.

And Andrew had gone to Taco Bell to get a chalupa, but when he got it, it had lettuce and he hates lettuce so he gave it to me.

There's a much more flattering picture of me with the chalupa but it's way too pornographic for me to put up here so you can just use your imagination.

But yes, it was fun.

I spent the night at Girl!Taylor's house. This morning we got up early and went thrifting! We found this really cool vintage shop near where Amy lives, and we bought Amy's birthday present, which I think she'll love. I also bought myself a new pretty floral top, and an extremely awesome new tee shirt!

You can't really see because of my obnoxious hair/stupid thumbs/crappy Macbook iSight quality, but it says "NIAGARA FALLS CANADA", and has a picture of Niagara Falls. Badass, I know.

After we did our thrifting, we went to the dollar store to get presents and cake stuff for our friend Chase's birthday. We got him an airhorn, silly string, a balloon, and a Buzz Lightyear watch from the dollar store, and then we went to Goodwill and bought him a bunch of t-shirts that we thought were funny.

When we got back to Girl!Taylor's house we got ready and made him this really awesome, three layered, heart shaped cake. It was vanilla cake with chocolate chips, and each layer was a different color. The bottom layer was blue, the middle was yellow, and the top was orange. We put marshmallow fluff between the layers and covered it in purple frosting. Then the cake split in half. So we wrote "epic" on one side and "fail" on the other. It was great.

We actually had the "party" at Chelsea's house. It was a small thing with just me, Girl!Taylor, Posh Spice, Chase (the birthday boy), and Chelsea's parents and brother. It was the first time I'd been in her house since the accident, and the first time I'd seen her family since the memorial service.

Chelsea's parents made us homemade tacos (her dad is Mexican so it was completely legit), and while they were cooking we went in Chelsea's room. It was so bittersweet and strange.

Everything was exactly as she'd left it, except for her mom had washed and folded her dirty clothes, and there was an urn containing her ashes, engraved with her name, on the shelf above her bed.

We took our time, examining each part of the room. Every now and then, one of us would pick something up and we'd talk about the memories attached to that particular something, or we'd laugh about one of Chelsea's Hansen posters or her weird CD collection. We also said hello to her snake, Circa.

We all broke down at least once.

When dinner was ready we said "see you later" to Chels, and went to go eat. We laughed and talked and opened Chase's presents and ate our fail-cake.

Then Chase played a song that he had written for Chelsea on the guitar and we talked about how much we miss her.

I came home and cried and listened to all her songs on repeat.

Recently, Chelsea's demos were compiled into an EP that is available for free download through BandCamp. You can go listen/download here. I promise you, all the tracks are beautiful and she has an amazing voice. I know I linked to her music MySpace in a previous blog entry (when she was still alive), so some of you guys might recognize the song "With Ears to See and Eyes to Hear". Please, if you do go listen or download, leave a comment letting me know.

I just miss her so much.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving, the best night of my life, and several revelations.

Wow. I feel like all of my blogs lately have been in bullet point form. But my life has been so all over the place it's impossible to have it all down otherwise!

I guess I should go chronologically here.

This past week I've had three major revelations dealing with the romantic (?) interests in my life.

The first of which, involved Posh Spice and was already discussed in this blog entry.

Then, there was my revelation involving Michael Cera. In the aforementioned blog post, I was having doubts about Michael Cera and my ability to commit. I actually got around to telling him about these doubts, and breaking things off. At first it seemed like he took it well, but everyone in our mutual group of friends thinks of me as the Wicked Witch of the West now. Which is awesome. But honestly? It doesn't bother me because I know I did the right thing. So that's how that goes.

The third and final revelation, involved Vanilla Ice. I hung out with him on Sunday. We held hands during Harry Potter (which I was watching for the second time) and then hung out at his house afterward. Things got too... romantic? and reached their breaking point, which resulted in us having this big discussion about what exactly is going on between us. I confessed to him how I've had a crush on him for a really long time and have never known how to approach it or him because he's such an enigma and I was always so intimidated. He confessed to me that he like(d/s) me too, but things can't really go anywhere because of some of his own personal reasons, which I was able to fully understand because I'm in sort of the same boat. And we didn't really come to any conclusion or ultimatum or decide if we were going to be "just friends" or what, but we aired all of our dirty laundry and that felt extremely nice. I feel like I bridged this great big gap between the two of us, and all the things I couldn't talk about with him before, we can talk about now. It's really lovely.

Tuesday night, I got to see my favorite band of all time since middle school- Meg & Dia, play live at The Social. It was legitimately the best night of my life so far. Amy's dad got us on the guest list so we didn't have to pay. When we first got into the venue, we actually saw Meg and Dia Frampton in the back, near the merch tables doing signings and such. By the time we got there though, Meg had disappeared so it was just Dia. But she signed my iPod, told me I was cute and she liked my vest, and we had some random stranger take a photo of me and Amy with her, which you can see below. I look terrible and was unprepared, but I don't care- it's Dia Frampton.

After that, we headed back to the floor so we could secure our spot right up on the stage.

The first opener was a guy who went by the stage name "The Whale and the Wave". I highly recommend you go search for him because it was very adorable, heartfelt, acoustic stuff by an adorable boy. I appreciated him.

Then there was another solo act that went by "Solaseria". He's actually local, apparently, and I thought he was really good. His music reminded me of Middle Earth.

Then The Spring Standards played! If you have any sort of musical taste at all, you'll go look them up and buy all their songs right now- because they are wonderful. They're a three piece folksy act, made up of a ginger bearded man, a brunette bearded man, and a ginger woman. They all sing and play multiple instruments, and their music is fun and beautiful, and, in general everything I look for in a band.

Finally, it was Meg & Dia's turn. I squealed so much as they were up on the stage, getting ready for their set. Nick, the drummer, was adorable as always. Jonathan, the bassist, had a particularly fluffilicious beard. And of course the sisters looked gorgeous. Carlo, the second guitarist, was literally right in front of us. When he was bending down to plug in all of his stuff, his face was seriously inches from mine. And all of the sudden, he was like, "Hey, how are you doing?" And I told him I was doing great, and probably squealed. "Remix to Ignition" by Nelly was actually playing via the PA system at the time, so I took the moment to tell him that I liked Meg & Dia's version (which you can experience here) way better. He laughed, told me I was "fucking awesome" and gave me a high five. I thought I was going to die.

They played every song off of the new EP, a couple songs from Something Real and Here, Here and Here, and CARDIGAN WEATHER! They also covered Tom Petty's "American Girl" and Blind Melon's "No Rain". All of it was perfect, and when they played "The One" I cried.

In their song "Dreams Like Oceans" there is this brilliant drum break where they basically bring out all sort of drums and bang on them and it's wonderful and beautiful. Well, they preformed this, and in the middle of that drum part, Carlo comes over to where Amy and I are, and hands us each a drum stick. I died. It was all chipped and battered and beautiful from use- and he handed to us. It wasn't like he just flung it into the crowd for someone to catch. He GAVE THEM TO US. I seriously died.

Then at the end of their set he gave us his guitar pick.

Carlo Gimenez is my favorite person.

After the show was over, we made our way back over to the merch area. We saw Meg and Dia and Meg signed the other half of my iPod, and they commented on the Snow White sticker. I told them how she's my favorite princess and Dia was like, "Mine too!" and then she did the little singing thing that Snow White does, and I died. I told them how they'd been my favorite band since I was like, 13, and we had a big group hug with Meg and Dia and Amy and I and it was brilliant.

We then managed to find Carlo and give him a big hug and a thank you for everything. He was wonderful and nice. Nick and Jonathan were missing though, and that was sad.

We then saw that The Spring Standards were working the merch table, so we went over and were like "we came to inquire about the hugs!" and they literally dropped what they were doing, came out from behind the table, and hugged us. The ginger bearded man spun me around, and the brunette bearded man told me I was awesome. The ginger woman and I shared a moment because we were wearing the same skirt. She also told me she coveted my vest. It was a really lovely moment.

Afterwards, Amy and I got pizza from the second sketchiest pizza place in downtown Orlando, Planet Pizza, and cried all the way home. It was brilliant. The whole night was just absolutely perfect. I now have a small Meg & Dia shrine that is slowly growing on the shelf above my desk.

Today was Thanksgiving and I don't have much to say about it, other than that I hate Thanksgiving. I always feel so tired and full afterwards, my relatives are annoying, and my little sister throws a tantrum EVERY YEAR.

I did get to see Tangled though, and it was really, really good. I highly recommend it.


I went to the midnight premier of Deathly Hallows Part One, dressed up of course, and it was absolutely perfect. I laughed, I cried, and I made a vlog about it, which has yet to be edited. Like I really cannot stand the fact that I have to wait until July for the next one.

It's just really kind of heartbreaking for me, because I first read Sorcerer's Stone when I was only six or seven years old. That's ten years Harry's been in my life, and it was basically my entire childhood. I just hate that it's all ending. Really.

On the bright side, I reapplied for Harry Potter World yesterday, this time with good word from my friend Brittany, who works at the Three Broomsticks. So hopefully that works out. If I got a job at Harry Potter World, I would probably ditch college altogether and just retire as a wizard.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

RIP, Beautiful Shoes.

On Wednesday night, Girl!Taylor and I discovered that we wear the same size shoe. Which is surprising, considering I don't meet a lot of girls who wear a size 9 shoe. Girl!Taylor and I also happen to have identical taste in shoes (and fashion in general- too bad we're different sizes in clothing). So Wednesday, I traded a pair of cloth, floral Mary Jane flats that I bought at Urban Outfitters several months ago that I never wear (I have another pair that's very similar and more versatile) for a gorgeous pair of patent leather high heeled Mary Janes.

The following day, my dog chewed them up.


R.I.P., beautiful shoes.

Friday, November 19, 2010

This past week in summary:

  • Last Friday was Chelsea's memorial service. It was extremely difficult for me, and everyone else involved. It was amazing to see how many lives she touched... The funeral home was so packed, even the aisles and the back of the room was filled to capacity with standing people. It was an open mic sort of thing, and several people went up and said a few things about Chelsea, told their stories. I cried more than I've cried in a long, long time. But I was surrounded with friends- Amy, Chris, Ian, KTG$, and so many others. And while it was so painful, I realized why it happened. This entire expanded community of people and friends, my peer group, has, up until this point, been completely disconnected from one another. There's been drama, there's been cruelty and backstabbing, there's been self centered-ness and we've all taken each other for granted. We were brought back together by this tragedy, and were forced to lean on each other. Chelsea was teaching us a lesson. Ever since this happened, everyone's just been so much better to each other. Let's hope it stays that way.
  • Beyond that, the loss of Chelsea has been difficult. Most days I cry about it. Sometimes I'll hear a song, or someone will mention her, or I just won't have a "good morning" text from her in my phone, and it'll set me off. A couple days I've done okay though.
  • Last Saturday Amy and I had a childhood movie marathon to distract ourselves. We watched The Thief and the Cobbler, Balto, Mary Kate & Ashley's Sleepover Party, and like seven others. It was great. Then we walked around Downtown Disney for a while. It was nice. I love her.
  • I had a date with Michael Cera on Tuesday. It went really well and we get along perfectly fine and there's absolutely nothing wrong with him... But honestly? I don't feel anything. Or I don't know. I just woke up on Wednesday morning and had a mini panic attack about it. I started freaking out over the fact that I might have to commit. And when Josh and I first got together, we had this weird, instant, soul-connection. And even though I was really shy and guarded when Josh and I met, it still felt like we'd known each other our whole lives. With Michael Cera, it's not like that at all. Josh set the bar, I guess? I don't know. I'm having all these second thoughts and I realize I'm gonna have to let the poor guy down eventually. And I hate that I have to do that. I don't want to hurt him, or be the cold hearted bitch I know he's going to perceive me as. Gotta do what I gotta do though.
  • Wednesday I spent most of the day with Josh (surprise, I know). We made my FTFK video and played Super Smash Brothers at his house for the first time since we were dating. It was... weirdly comforting and familiar. Like it was like nothing had changed, we were just picking up where we'd left off. Without all the couple-y stuff, obviously. But the way we get along is exactly as it's always been. It's weird. I'm telling you, our souls are like, connected or some crazy crap like that. Don't go interpreting this wrong! I promise you we're not getting back together or anything like that. We came to the conclusion that, no matter what, we're always going to be a part of each other's lives. Always. And there's so much more to this. So much happened as was said on Wednesday night but I can't put it here.
  • That night we went and watched Zombieland with Chase and Girl!Taylor at Girl!Taylor's house. It was fun.
  • Amy got her heart broken. Again. I feel awful.
  • Vanilla Ice and I are hanging out next Friday..........................
  • I'm listening to the Donnie Darko soundtrack and somehow it makes everything better.
  • I left so much out of this but honestly there's no way to tell you all right now.....

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I don't know where to start.

This is one of those rare opportunities where I come to this blog feeling like I have too much to say.

I guess I'll go in chronological order.

I gave up Nanowrimo. Not because of my story or of being tired of it, but because of a crazy series of events which I'm about to describe to you.

Friday night at six o'clock, I entered into a three day intensive therapy workshop recommended to me by my therapist.

While it may sound corny, I can honestly say it was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me.

Friday night I entered the workshop, surrounded by 60 complete strangers. 20 of them were students, like me. The rest were "angels", who were there to assist us on our journey. Most of the angels were former students who'd gone through the seminar, with a few therapists. The whole shindig was led by two therapists, one of them being my personal therapist, Vicki, and the other being this man named Bert.

I was so nervous before I went. I wanted to die. Everyone knows I am a painfully shy person, so on the first night, being in that room full of strangers and getting in front of them and telling everyone what I wanted to get out of the weekend, was a terrifying experience for me. I wanted to run away.

Our Saturday session was from 8 AM to 11 PM. I honestly did not want to go back, at all. But, since my parents were paying for it I knew I had too. Saturday was where everything changed.

I don't want to tell you too much about the workshop, but it was brilliant. There was so much love, so much closeness and nurturing, and we did exercises and things to release all the negative shit everyone had been carrying around. By the end of it, my fellow students and all the angels were collectively my family. I met beautiful, wonderful people, and I'm closer to them than I am with anyone else. Everyone came from all walks of life. There were different genders, races, ages, sizes, shapes, sexualities, stories. I'd tell you everything I could about these beautiful, wonderful people but I don't know where to start. Everyone was just lovely.

By the end of it on Sunday night at 8 o'clock, I was a completely changed person. I was able to get in front of everyone for my "graduation" and give a improvised speech, while wearing bunny ears, completely confident and comfortable. I was happy, I was at peace, I was relieved. Everyone in the room was the same exact way.

I watched a 200 pound bald black man dance around the room with a green feathered hat and a pair of granny panties pulled on over his jeans while singing "Bootylicious" with his tongue out. I cuddled on some beanbags with a 70 year old woman and a man with waist length dreadlocks. I said "fuck" a lot. I fell in love with everyone. I gave a speech with bunny ears on my head.

It was so sad having to say goodbye to everybody. But the good news is, I can go back and be an angel now, and see some of them again.

I went to bed Sunday night completely drained, in a good way.

This morning, I woke up to 20+ texts and calls from my friends. The first person I called back was Amy. And she informed me that my good friend Chelsea Rodriguez was killed in a car accident last night.

I couldn't believe it. I still don't. I cannot possibly wrap my head around the fact that someone so beautiful, so perfect, so happy, so strong, could be dead. I can't. Logically, in my brain I know that she's gone. I won't receive one of her good morning text messages ever again. But in my heart, I still feel like they've made a mistake. They've got the wrong girl. Clearly they are wrong.

But I know when I go to her memorial service on Friday, it'll hit me. Then I'll be a wreck. But right now, I don't feel anything but shock and disbelief.

Because of this, I didn't change my plans for tonight. I figured it would be better for me to get off Facebook- where my news feed is covered with pictures of her and statuses about her and wall posts written to her, messages and prayers she'll never read- and go be with friends.

It may sound selfish, but honestly, I don't think Chelsea would've expected any different. She wouldn't have wanted us to sit at home and mope over her death, she would want us to be out living life to the maximum capacity, just like she did. And if there was anything I learned from her loss, it was to make every second count, and to cherish every possible moment with friends, because life is too fragile.

So, in the evening I went over to JP's, where I hung out with him, Chris, Ryan, and Tuene for a little while. We hung out in JP's garage, talked about Chelsea and listened to JP play the guitar.

Later, Bradley, Heather, and Michael Cera joined us and we went off to GameStop, to prepare for the midnight release of a video game called Black Ops?

Brad, Chris, and JP went and got their ticket with their number on it for line at midnight, and we all ate at Panda Express. Heather and Ryan left early because they're still in high school (haha). The rest of us killed the time by wandering around Wal Mart and eating at Steak and Shake, and generally goofing off. I got to know Michael Cera more, which was lovely. He is really sweet and laughs at my corniness, and gets even more adorable the more I get to know him.

And we may or may not have cuddled/held hands.

Honestly right now, everything has been timed so perfectly. I needed this weekend. If I hadn't have had the experience I had, I wouldn't know how to handle the loss of Chelsea. Of course, I haven't handled it yet, because it hasn't sunk in, but when it does, I'll know how to let it all out. If I hadn't taken the workshop, I would take it in stride like I normally would, and let it eat me up inside forever.

I also came to a realization this weekend, that I am a person, a living miracle. I am a body, a heart, a brain, a soul. And that, in itself, means that I am worthy of love. This has affected me in so, so, so, so many ways. And that includes the way I view relationships and romance.

I now know that I pick out the guys that reject me, neglect me, and don't treat me like I deserve. I choose guys that leave me hanging, that don't make me a priority. Posh Spice and Vanilla Ice are prime examples of this. Taking the workshop has made me want to give this bad habit up, and accept what I deserve, which is someone who is sweet, caring, and wants me as much as I want them. And while it's much, much too early to predict or call anything, I know that Michael Cera couldn't have entered my life at a better time. He is sweet, caring, and wants to know me as much as I want to know him.

I spent a short amount of time tonight feeling guilty for feeling all these good things while this tragedy has happened. I should be miserable, I should be mourning for Chelsea. But honestly, I will cross that bridge when I get to it, and Chelsea would have expected me to love and live my life. Even in the midst of shittiness.

Because of Chelsea, I'm going to make all of this count. I'm going to be the positive, loving person I've always wanted to be. I'm going to send out good morning texts, just like she did. I'm going to love everyone like I should. I'm going to live my life to it's fullest potential and appreciate every single person involved.

This one's for you, Chels.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

If I want to blog, I'll blog.

Guess who just ate at this fancy-shmancy dessert cafe with her grandparents who are wonderful and perfect in every way?

Guess who went on a three hour long walk with Posh Spice two nights ago?

Guess who stayed up until three in the morning on Oovoo with the Michael Cera lookalike* from JP's birthday cookout?

Guess who was asked by Vanilla Ice to have a movie day in the near future?

Guess who doesn't know how she feels about the last three statements?

Guess who hasn't worked on her NaNoWriMo novel at all today, and won't be able to this entire weekend?

Guess who got a signed copy of Meg & Dia's new EP in the mail yesterday?

Guess who has listened to Ke$ha's "Sleazy" 41 times, according to iTunes?

Guess whose dad jabbed her in the eye with an umbrella today?

Just guess.

To answer commenter questions from last entry-
  • NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing month, where a group of individuals from all over the world decide to write a 50,000 word novel during the month of November. If you complete this task, you get your name on a list.
  • Kyle and I aren't dating. I still got my single gurl swag~
  • My novel for NaNoWriMo is a coming of age tale about a teenage girl who, through a series of crazy antics and events, learns to think for herself and finds her place. That's all I'm gonna reveal. Ahaha.

*From now on, in this blog, he will simply be referred to as Michael Cera.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Procrastinating NaNoWriMo + My Weekend.

Wow. So it's been a crazy weekend for me.

Friday was possibly the best day I've had in a long time.

I went on a road trip with the boys of Bring Forth the Attack, plus Heather and Justine, to Melbourne to see the beach and to watch them play a show at a venue called The Harbor. It was so much fun, we stopped at McDonalds three times and I ate so many cookies and I felt like death afterwards. We didn't get home until one in the morning, and I turned Kyle into a human pillow on the way home so...

Saturday I woke up feeling terrible about a certain situation... I just didn't want to talk to anybody and I thought it was all in my head. I decided to go to Posh Spice, for advice, for some reason... and he told me something that made me sure of what I had to do. So that was nice, and I'm really grateful to him for that, even though when he first told me I got really upset.

It's weird being friends with him now.

But I like it.

That night I went to my nana's birthday party and gorged myself on Olive Garden.

Yesterday I went to my friend JP's birthday barbecue, which was a really good decision. I got to see so many people that I love... JP, Kayla, Michael, Bradley, Heather, Justine, Taylor, Ryan... As well as some other really awesome people. Sharrell and Cameron were there too, and I found out that Cameron has been shot in the face (not kidding).

I met a guy named Joel who was really nice and chill, and reminded me of Michael Cera. In a good way. He looked just like Michael Cera, only with a nicer nose. I kind of regret not talking to him more, but he inspired me to borrow Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist from Amy for my viewing pleasure tonight. I love that movie, but I don't own it.

Then that night I went trick or treating with Amy, KTG$, Chris, and Tyler. I got a ton of candy and ate way too much of it and now I feel like death, but it was worth it. I spent the night at Amy's, but she had school this morning so I spent the whole day in her house with just her dad. Which was actually pretty relaxing. I read a book and used her shampoo.

I had a therapy appointment today, so JJ came and picked me up to take me around 2:20. Therapy went well, my stepmom came and got me and now I am home, ready to take on NaNoWriMo.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I know, I know, I know.

You all hate me right now.
And that's perfectly understandable. I've been a terrible blogger, as of late. I've been a terrible YouTuber, as well. I've just been a terrible "internet personality" (to use my dad's word for it) all around lately and I take full responsibility for it. I think the anticipation of facing you guys has made it worse, like "oh, I've been gone so long, how do I even begin..?" sort of thing.

I promise I'm not going to run around making terrible excuses like "I've been busy!" or anything like that. Because honestly I'm not any more busy than I've ever been. I'd say it's more of an issue of distraction. There's been a lot going on!

The past few weeks or so I've
  • spent unhealthy amounts of time on Amy's couch watching Supernatural
  • spent unhealthy amounts of time on Tumblr
  • had Vanilla Ice re-enter my life
  • started regularly seeing a therapist. Her name is Vicky, and she's wonderful. I'm so glad I got up the nerve to start seeing her, she's really helpful.
  • been reading a lot of books on eating disorders and such, as per Vicky's recommendation. Also very helpful.
  • become the official baker of my friends' band, Bring Forth The Attack
  • had my mom total my car while she was driving it without permission. She was texting at the wheel. She's fine, but my car is destroyed beyond repair and I'm basically screwed for college and she's run off and it's all really dramatic and I don't have a car anymore.
  • let my weight creep up to 115 pounds, but got back on top of it and now I'm down to a tidy 108.
  • shamelessly acquired the new Taylor Swift album, and it may or may not have been on repeat for the past three days.
So yeah, I think you're pretty much up to speed now.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

My life is downright magical. This is a novel.


So yesterday was Friday, and I did what I always do on Fridays.

I got my dad to take me to the mall to meet up with Amy so I could stay at her house, after which Amy and I went to Starbucks to redeem the free drink card my grandfather gave me. We got a venti double chocolaty chip frappucino, and so begins my weekend of gluttony.

When we entered Amy's cul de sac, we stopped to see Tyler and that was lovely, and then Michael stopped by and I love him and his new car greatly.

Amy and I went inside, watched a few episodes of Supernatural and ate candy corn, Hershey's kisses, chips, greek salad, and mashed potatoes with bacon. Start keeping track.

Around ten thirty Amy's sister, who goes to college in Atlanta showed up with one of her college friends in tow, to visit her home for the weekend. I've actually never met Casey, but she was very nice and lovely and I liked her a lot.

A little while after Casey showed up, Amy and I went to JJ's for a party, as usual. It was absolutely packed this time around, but it was mostly people we didn't know and some of our favorites (Aria, Bryan, David) weren't there, but we had fun making new friends nonetheless. We made a ton of new friends actually. I also experienced a very important "first" (well technically it's a "second" but I don't really count the other time because it was kind of a fail) as a teenager. And it was interesting.

Around one o'clock in the morning Amy started wanting bacon, and JJ informed us that she had some in her freezer... Amy attempted making the bacon herself, but in her mental state at the time, it proved to be too frustrating for her. So I took over, and very calmly made the microwavable frozen bacon for my best friend. As I was thawing the bacon under hot water, some white guy with dreads came over and asked me about it. He thought it was a pretty bangin' idea too. Anyway, the bacon came out hot and crispy and we made even more friends because everyone wanted some.

Cue a somewhat pathetic scene where Amy and I flopped backwards onto a half-inflated air mattress used as a couch with a giant plate of bacon.

Two o'clock in the morning, JJ and Amy and I wanted Steak 'n Shake.

And I must say, it was one of the most magical moments of my life. I don't know why. There was just something about being in the back of JJ's car, middle of the night, good feelings, windows down, driving fast, singing along at the top of our lungs to some old All Time Low song we loved in freshman year that made me feel truly alive.

We got to Steak 'n Shake and I had chicken tenders and fries and ketchup and it was wonderful.

When we got home, Casey and her friend from college were in Amy's hot tub so we stuck our feet in and talked with them for a while, and decided to watch Get Him to the Greek, but Amy and I were so tired from a night of partying that we had to go to sleep. This was around four or five AM.

Then at 9:45 AM the next morning, my phone alarm went off and I forced myself into Amy's shower. Her shampoo and conditioner is awesome. Then we went to an art festival in Winter Park with her mom, and it was lovely. We saw a lot of interesting artwork and people, and we got to eat Italian ices. Afterward, we made a trip to Costco and bought a tray of peppermint bark.

Back at Amy's, we ate about half the peppermint bark while watching MORE Supernatural.

Around six o'clock we got ready and such to go to a 7 o'clock show at The Gate. Amy and I are friends with at least a couple people in most of the bands that were playing. There was Above All Eternity (my friend Ricky), Awaken Great City (our friends Ian, Chris, and Keith), Bring Forth the Attack (our friends Kyle/Vanilla Ice, Bradley, Taylor, Stephen, Ryan, JP), Author Creator (featuring Josh...), and Messengers (I don't actually know anybody in Messengers).

The experience was... unique. The music was good, for hardcore music, and it's so strange to see how much my friends have improved. I don't like their particular genre that much, but I still like to support them.

The crowd was... pretty much an awkward reunion for me. There were plenty of people that I was happy to see, including all of the boys in the bands mentioned above; plus Alison, Chelsea, Michael, Kayla, Ginger!Alison, Heather, and so many others... Plus I met a lot of new people, as well as talked to a few people that I've only ever talked to online. So that was good. But there were plenty of people that I wasn't so happy to see. There were a lot of really obnoxious people from my high school, as well as at least four other people I have personal vendettas against.

On top of that, my friend Taylor informed me that the reason he has gone from my best friend to never answering my calls/texts is because his girlfriend I guess sees me as a threat. Which I can completely understand because I've been on the other side of that, but still. I'd never steal someone else's boyfriend, you know? So that stung, and seeing her just made me uncomfortable.

Oh and Josh greeted me with a forehead poke and a hug. Which I mean, I'm cool with us being on friendly terms and all, but it's too soon for a hug. Could we just start with waves or high fives or something? We can work our way up to hugs, but for me it's too soon, since I still get kind of queasy when I see him.

He also gave me a hand hug and I was unpleasantly reminded of how perfectly our fingers fit together. I kind of want to kill myself for writing that previous sentence, I really do, but I'm being honest here. I'll make up for it by telling you guys that I think his new mullet was a really bad idea.

Oh and also I bumped into Michelle which was really awkward but it forced me into explaining myself and why I have been ignoring her for so long. I let it all out in one long train of word vomit, and I think she kind of understood but it's going to be difficult for me to work towards any sort of friendship again.

The show ended, and almost everyone decided to meet up at Steak 'n Shake.

I don't know if you've ever experienced a group of over thirty teenagers in a Steak 'n Shake after a concert, so I'm really sorry that I have no words to describe it to you with. But I had a steakburger with cheese and fries and ketchup and shared a chocolate milkshake with Amy and it was lovely.

We said goodbye to all our new friends, and Amy brought me home and now I am crying because I miss her and I don't know what to do with myself.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Milk of Magnesia is gross.

Wow okay. Fail.

So last night I was at the mall with my friend Daniella for the first time in forever, trying to find her some new shoes and a new sweater (she just got her financial aid and wanted to celebrate). At one point we were in Charlotte Russe trying on shoes, and the manager was assisting us. This girl was so pretty and nice and really funny, and somehow it was easy to open up in front of her. It must've helped having Daniella there.

At one point I told her that I really liked her boots and she asked if I'd like a pair to try on. I told her how I was currently unemployed and in no position to buy new boots. AND THEN SHE ASKED ME TO FILL OUT AN APPLICATION.

Obviously I got really excited and said sure because Charlotte Russe is one of my favorite stores, and any sort of job would be wonderful, let alone one where I could wear my own clothes.

But then of course, she asked my least favorite question in the entire world.

"How old are you though?"

And obviously I couldn't lie, so I told her I was seventeen, but I mentioned that I do have a high school diploma, but she said they didn't make exceptions but she was also like, "I would love to hire you though, you're adorable and dress cute and seem really bubbly. Come back when you're eighteen and you have a job."

Too bad my birthday isn't for seven months.

This is why graduating early is a blessing and a curse. I got out of high school a year early, but I'm too young to get hired anywhere that's not McDonald's or Publix or some other menial job where 90% of the employees are people I went to high school with. Working in an air conditioned clothing store where I get to dress cute and listen to good music all day would be ideal for me at this stage in my life, but unfortunately I'm too freaking little.

In other news, I had a doctor's appointment this morning, regarding my digestive health. I was diagnosed with IBS. Which is no fun. I now have to take milk of Magnesia every night, which, in case you don't know, is the most disgusting substance ever. On top of that, I have to go back on November 11th to see if they need to bump me up to a prescription medication and to have bloodwork done to make sure I don't have a thyroid problem. The doctor also informed me that I'll probably deal with IBS for the rest of my life.


Part of my treatment though, is walking for 30+ minutes every day, and I'm definitely a fan of that. The weather is so nice right now, and I'm happy for an excuse to enjoy it.

Oh, and I think I know the cure to my recent blog laziness.

I believe it's time for a blog makeover.

Meaning, possibly some layout/stylistic changes. I think my blog is currently a little drab... Time to spice it up a little, no?

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Love and other novelties.

So when I woke up today, I felt it was going to be a very slow, but gorgeous fall day. My grandfather came over to help my dad put up some blinds, and my sister and I went on a leisurely fall stroll.

Around five o'clock, my phone rang, and on the other end my old friend JP asked me what I was doing. "Nothing," I said. In fact, I was rereading Prisoner of Azkaban. "Well, can you come outside and see me and Ryan?" he asked. So I went outside and there they were. They were in the neighborhood because they were going to this youth group place with Posh Spice and they had arrived to early and wanted to say hey.

So we sat in my neighbor's driveway for like an hour and just talked. Then Posh Spice called JP on his cell and told him that he was home or whatever, so they were going to get up and leave to walk to his house, and I figured I'd walk with them and say hey to Posh Spice just to be polite...

Okay. I'm tired of calling him Posh Spice. You all know his name anyway.

So anyway we get to Josh's house and I was flooded with a feeling of nostalgia and warmth. Josh opened the door, said hey to all of us, but within a split second his mom (who was in the living room behind Joshy) and I spotted each other and literally ran at each other and hugged for like a solid five minutes. Instantly we started talking and catching up, and the boys went into Joshy's room (I'm not sure what they were doing but it's not important) and his mom and I talked about my school plans and life and how things are going for us and all sorts of things.

Then the boys came out of the bedroom to leave, and they were saying their goodbyes. Josh asked if he could have a hug and I sort of agreed. I didn't stand up for him though. Then they left and his mom and I talked until nine o'clock. She also gave me a cupcake. We discussed our shared anxiety problems and my issues with my mom and all sorts of things.

Just being in that house was really emotional for me. I used to spend such a majority of my time there, especially around this time of year last year. I think during all of Christmas break I only ever went back to my house to sleep... and even then, I did the majority of my napping on their living room couch. That was my second home. And she told me about how Josh's grandparents always ask about me... it hit me pretty hard, not going to lie, in a mix of good and bad. It was so hard to leave... I miss that house. I miss the feelings associated with that house. I miss the warmth and security and the love.

I mean, I know that this is not the best time to start missing my life with Josh, since we just became somewhat cool again, but still. I'm not saying I'm not over him. I'm definitely over him. I'm just not over his family, I guess. Especially since now everything is crazy and unpredictable, and the Singer family used to be my one constant.

He broke off such a big chunk of me when he broke up with me. I lost so many good traits, like my ability to trust, my ability to comfortably give and receive affection, my blissful fairy tale outlook on life. But with every negative there is a positive, and I lost a lot of my bad traits as well. I lost my possessive nature, I lost my tendency to look outside of myself for security, and I've lost my brainless, blind trust instincts.

I've just accepted now that I'm not a secure person, and no one can give me that. I've accepted that I'm never going to be someone's favorite or their top priority. I've accepted that no one should ever be expected to put up with me. I've accepted that I'm kind of a crazy vindictive bitch. And that sounds absolutely miserable doesn't it? But the thing is, it's not. Because realizing these things has freed me. And from there, I can fix and make repairs.

So I guess when I talk about my disbelief in love and my lack of faith in relationships, I'm only speaking for myself. The majority of people out there deserve and are capable of healthy, happy, functional relationship. I'm just not one of those people.

It's whatevz.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

BEDO attempt #2.

Okay so. I know I haven't been the most reliable with the blog posts lately. I KNOW. It's just that once you get out of the swing of things, it's very hard to get back into it.

So I guess I came back to my dad's house on Thursday. And then yesterday around five o'clock in the afternoon, my dad dropped me off at the mall, and I wandered around there for about an hour waiting on Amy. It was overcrowded with 14 year old scene kids. I spent the majority of my time in the bookstore, and I found out there's actually a Harry Potter cook book? Do want.

Finally, Amy arrived, with our dear friend Tyler in tow. We drove back to Amy and Tyler's cul de sac blasting Lil Wayne, and then Amy and I proceeded to watch a couple episodes of Supernatural with her momma. It was lovely.

Around nine o'clock JJ was in Amy's driveway, and we got in her car and went on an adventure. On our adventure, we got pulled over for speeding (50 in a 35 mile per hour zone...). But we were extra screwed because JJ's tag was wrong, and she didn't have her license on her. After JJ gave the cop the registration and gave him her full name and birth date so that he could confirm that she did have a valid driver's license, we had to sit in the car for what seemed like forever, and JJ was on the verge of a panic attack.

Finally the cop told JJ to step out of the car, via his megaphone. Of course Amy and I assumed this meant the worst, that she was going to get arrested or something. Amy and I waited inside the car, watching. To our pleasant surprise, she didn't get handcuffed. When JJ got back in the car, she was laughing. Apparently the cop informed her that he could have written her three different tickets. The first option, he said, was that he could give her a 200 and something dollar speeding ticket. The second, was that she'd get a 100 and something dollar fine PLUS go to jail for not having the right tag. But, much to JJ's relief, instead he was going to give her a 100-dollar ticket for not having her license on her, but told her that if she went to the DMV and presented the ticket and got a new license, she'd only have to pay 15.

Words cannot express how relieved and happy we were.

JJ spent the rest of the drive swearing up and down she'd never speed again.

We reached our destination shortly afterwards- a party at JJ's friend Zac's house. When we first got there there weren't many people. But by the time we had to leave at 2 AM, it was packed. It was really fun, looking back. There were so many wonderful people there from parties past, including Aria (the Joseph Gordon-Levitt lookalike), Chelsea (the photographer), Ally (the greatest person I have ever met), and Bryan (just wonderful). I also met a whole slew of new wonderful people as well, which is always my favorite. Then of course, JJ was being absolutely insane and Amy provided us with snarky comments throughout the night, and I was just in love with everyone, dancing with Bryan and photo bombing with Aria and just general wonderfulness. It was one of those nights where it felt good to be alive.

I also told this girl Taylor (who I've met a couple of times before but never actually talked to) about Alison and I's pancake cake. I think it changed her life.

Then of course, JJ drove Amy and I back to Amy's house, where we ate cookies and cheezits and watched Titanic.

When we woke up this morning Amy had a doctor's appointment (because she's itchy) so I went with her to that. We had to wait in the little examination room for an hour because I guess they got backed up, so by the time the doctor came in, we were jamming out to Usher on Amy's phone and coloring and eating starbursts and causing general mayhem.

After he wrote her prescription, we went to Walgreen's to drop it off, and we discovered that there was 3 for 5 deal on ice cream... so we bought three pints of Blue Bell ("Great Divide", mint chocolate chip, and cookie dough), and went home and gorged ourselves on chicken and ice cream, while watching more Supernatural of course.

And then she drove me home, and here I am. Miserable and sick and wishing I were still with Amy and wishing I were at JJ's because there's another party going on tonight and wishing that my dad weren't such a jerk sometimes and wishing that I could magically lose ten pounds.

But it's all good, because I have awesome new tagged photos on my Facebook now.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Wow, it's been a crazy couple of days, I didn't even realize I hadn't updated!

The night after I wrote my last entry, I went and hung out with my dear friend Robbie and his amiable girlfriend, Sydney. We watched Boondocks and went over to this kid Ellis's house and went on a walk and it was all very lovely. Robbie and I have been semi-close for a while, but I hadn't really gotten a chance to bond with Sydney until that night. She really makes me feel at ease, and she's so cheerful and easy to be around. We made plans to go to Harry Potter World together soon, since Robbie's mom works there and can get us free tickets. We also made further plans for our future camping trip.

I just heard on the TV that 50 Cent is getting his own condom line.

Anyway, the following day I slept until 2 in the afternoon, woke up, made some peanut butter brownies, packed my things, and came to see my mom, and I'll be staying with her until Friday. LIFE.

Sorry for the irregular updates, guys, I'll just have to find a pattern I can stick with.


Sunday, September 26, 2010

Amy Beleckas Appreciation Blog

So Amy Beleckas is my best friend.

Yesterday I met up with her and her mom at the mall to do some shopping. She got a plethora of new clothes (including a varsity style jacket that reminds us of Justin Bieber), and her mom got new air fresheners and such. I went in with no intention of buying anything, but walked out with a new yellow sweater (Hufflepuff pride!), new glasses (the kind with clear lenses), new tights and NEW MOCCASINS.

Don't tell my parents though. They're supposed to think I'm broke.

But it was so much fun, I love Amy's mom like she's my own. We went to the grocery store and to planet smoothie, and then went back to Amy's house, where we Facebook creeped and caught up on life. Then we went to movie theater at the ghetto Oviedo mall. It was my first time ever going there, and it was the most depressing, desolate mall I've ever been in. We saw "Easy A", which was easily one of the funniest movies I've ever watched. Like seriously, new favorite.

Me and Amy laughed harder than anyone else in the theater, and were generally "those people". We were the only ones who laughed at the "Twilight" joke. When we got back to her house we watched "Running With Scissors", which was fabulous but I fell asleep halfway through.

This morning we made cinnamon rolls and watched Supernatural and I took a nap on their couch and then I came home and now I wish I were still with her.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


So today started out good and fun and everything.

I was helping my friend Mishelle, who's really pretty and sweet, by starring in her music video she's making for her class.

And all was fine and well, until we were filming a scene out on my street, and who should walk by but Posh Spice.

And then later I texted him and talked to him for the first time in months and he was rude and I was apathetic and awlknawlknwalknawlawnaw

Now my entire universe has been thrown off kilter and I feel all out of sorts and I don't know what to do. I'm just going to get some sleep, and once I get my thoughts together I'll tell you guys everything that I'm feeling right now.

Monday, September 20, 2010

World of Jenks, GANGSTA RAP, Alison, and more.

Oh, hello!
I'm so glad to be back in the blogging game, not gonna lie. This is my outlet, this is my release.

Today was uneventful, other than seeing Alison for the first time in a month. She came to my house after school and we ate grilled cheese and caught up on life. Which has been nothing but crazy for the both of us. I truly love that girl.

Other than that, I put myself back on a healthy eating regimen, which I plan on following pretty strictly for the next week or so. After that I'll loosen up a bit, but I just really need to shock my system after all the bad foods I've been eating recently.

I'm currently listening to terrible rap music, and enjoying it.

Also, how many of you have watched the new MTV series "World of Jenks"? I think I'm in love. The show itself is interesting enough, even though it's just "True Life" only shorter and focusing on only one person per episode. But I think what REALLY separates "World of Jenks" from every other reality show out there is the show's namesake, Andrew Jenks. He's a hot piece of ass, basically, and luckily for us viewers, he inserts himself into the show, living life alongside of the subjects. Two thumbs up.

After WoJ, I watched an episode of the Jersey Shore. I don't think I'm really a "fan", since I don't set aside time to watch it, I just watch it when it's convenient, but it cracks me up. Really.

OH OH OH. And I also did a lot of cleaning today.


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Riding Solo?

I'm sorry again, for it taking so long for me to start updating again.
When I said my life had returned to normal in my last post, it was a lie. Because later that day, things got stirred up again.


We're just going to pretend the past week didn't happen. But I'll let you guys know what i've been up to, starting with yesterday.

So my mom came and woke me up at like eight o'clock, and I had to get ready and pack all my stuff to go back to my dad's house. We put all my bags in my car (which is now thoroughly cleaned- shampooed the carpets and everything) and I drove the three hours to get home. Needless to say, when I got back I was exhausted, sad about leaving my mom, and not in the mood to do anything or talk to anyone, other than John Connor.

When I got into my room, I found the new issues of Teen Vogue and Seventeen sitting on my desk, along with a book that apparently my grandpa got for me- "Women Have All The Power (Too bad they don't know it!)". I started reading the book and it's actually pretty freakin' good. The author holds some views that I don't necessarily agree with, but still. Some of the stuff is pretty eye opening.

Then I took a three hour nap. It was lovely.

Then, at 8:45 Amy came and got me. We hugged each other for a solid 10 minutes and squealed over being together for the first time in a month. It was lovely. We got in her car, blasted some Eminem and Asher Roth, and went back to her house, and I was really really happy about seeing her mom and dog for the first time in forever. We looked at a photo album of her childhood and ate ice pops.

We left to go to JJ's for a party. It was on the small side, ten or fifteen people max, but everyone was beautiful. It was absolutely crazy. I spent some time getting to know this cool kid named Aria who I've only ever talked to on Facebook. JJ took her shirt off at one point. Byran was dancing to Britney Spears. There was chain smoking (not me) and death pong (possibly me). And KTG$ was there for like ten minutes. And lots of lovely pictures were taken. Apparently I gave away my bear silly band that Vanilla Ice gave me to some random guy named David, because I was shouting about him being a "lost cause". Hahahahahaha.
Anyway, we went back to Amy's around two. We decided it would be a good idea to watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but I passed out before she even put the DVD in.

When we woke up this morning, we spent thirty minutes laughing about last night, and then we proceeded to her kitchen to prepare chocolate chip pancakes, which were actually more chocolate chip than pancake. After eating we watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall, since we didn't get to last night, and then she took me home.

As soon as I got home I had to get in the shower and get ready to go to my little cousin's birthday party. Which was lame. I'm not really a big fan of my stepmom's side of the family. Not because of them or anything, I just don't really fit in.

Came home. Got on Tumblr. Wrote this blog. Etc.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Don't hurt me D:

Yes, I know I haven't posted in six days.
I'm terrible.

The reason I haven't posted in so long is because there was serious family drama that went down, which resulted in me having to pack all my stuff and wait by the side of the road for my Nannan to come pick me up at five o'clock in the morning. And lots of other things that followed and preceded but there's no use talking about any of it because none of it will do any good.

But here I am now, safe and sound and ready to resume my normal blogging practices.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Redneck Yacht Club.

So. Summary of past couple of days: Hell. My mother and I made a trip to visit my siblings (she now is allowed to have supervised visitation with them, and she has another court date in two weeks), cue a two day long emotional breakdown/fight with my stepdad that involved lots of tears and screaming and me sitting in the garage to get some peace.


Woke up this morning, things were good. Like. Out of nowhere. Everyone was pretending everything was okay. And that's perfectly fine with me, because that's generally how I operate. Pretend the problem doesn't exist.

My mom came in and told me to put my bathing suit on, and I obliged. After getting ready and packing some snacks, my stepdad hitched his giant white & green airboat to the back of our Tahoe, and off we went. We stopped at Wal-mart to buy sunglasses for me, some Chips Ahoy cookies and more food, and met up with our family friend Pepper, who also had his tiny (but fast as hell) green airboat hitched to the back of his pickup.

After thirty minutes or so of more driving, we ended up at Lake Kissimmee, in the backwoods. Close your eyes, and picture the most stereotypical, hillbilly trailer you can imagine, complete with Christmas lights. Now surround it with forest, and a shady dirt road. In the background, there's a lake. But it looks more like a swamp, thick with lily pads and sea grass. And there's a big grassy clearing next to the lake, lined with pickup trucks and ATV's, which is the where they unload the boats.

We unhooked our boat of its trailer, as did Pepper, and we all got on. I described my Papaw's airboat in my other entry, but my stepdad's boat is much, much nicer, bigger, louder, and faster. We drove the boats into the lake, and went speeding across it.

The water was so perfectly smooth, it was like a big mirror. I almost felt like it would be solid if you touched it. And the sky was the perfect shade of blue, with big white fluffy clouds in the distance. And we were going so fast it felt like flying. It was incredible.

And then came the fun part.

We stopped at a small grassy island in the middle of the lake, where there were at least thirty other airboats lined up, and a bunch of people just hanging out; in lawn chairs, on their boats, knee-deep in water, everywhere. When we showed up everyone gave us a warm welcome, even the people we'd never met before. And we all just sat around talking and laughing, watching a few of the idiots race each other and catching up on life.

I met a girl who was about a year younger than me, and her name was Bird. Bird, according to my stepfather and everyone else on the island, is an expert at airboats, even though she's a sixteen year old girl. She could tear one apart and put it back together again if she wanted to. I was so impressed when she walked over to our boat and started talking to my stepdad about parts and things and other airboat jargon. But she was very nice to me, and hopefully I'll see her again sometime this week.

She also had a sister, named Brenna, who was stunningly pretty. She was so pretty I felt uncomfortable in her presence. There was another sister, whose name I forgot, but she was eighteen and just-graduated, like me, and she was quiet like me, and just by looking at her I could tell me and her could've been best friends. But since we're both rather shy, we just went about our separate business, sharing little smiles every now and again. Oh, and we had the same shoes, only mine were white and hers were black.

There was also a boy there who looked like he might've been nineteen or so, who was very cute, for a redneck. He had red hair and freckles but he wasn't dorky looking or anything, had a nice body, and a tattoo of a cross on his back. He smoked Marlboros and was wearing camo shorts. Totally not the type of guy I'm normally attracted to, but there was something about him.

Usually the guys who I'm inexplicably attracted to in that manner are assholes. So I guess it's best that I didn't say one word to him the whole time. Even though he always seemed to be close by, and I thought I caught him looking at me once or twice. But I was probably imagining it. Because boys don't check me out.

At one point there was an old man whose boat flipped and everyone freaked out and rushed over to see if he was okay. He was.

The whole ordeal was so much fun and I'm so glad I got to go. On the ride back to where our Tahoe was, it started raining. And since we were going so fast, the droplets stung my skin.

Then we came home, and ate Little Caeser's pizza and pie and I took a shower and now I am writing this.

I love days like this, I love my life, and I love my blog readers.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


Today I woke up, got ready and went to my Nannan's and Papaw's house, again, hahaha.

I hung around for a while and talked with my mom and Nannan inside while the menfolk worked on my stepdad's new airboat. Yay misogyny!

Then my mom and stepdad left and the fun began.

My Papaw, Nannan and I all piled into Paw's pickup truck, and drove down to an inlet on a mostly swampy part of Lake Okeechobee. And then we went all got on the airboat and went for a ride.

Few things are more impressive than riding through swamp in the night. Seriously, it's amazing. The only light we had besides the light on my Paw's cap was the light from the stars, which were perfectly visible. I've never seen so many stars in a sky before, and the Milky Way stretched out directly overhead like a rainbow. Around us there was nothing but swamp and dark water for as far as the eye could see. Even with the deafening roar of the airboat's propeller, it was eerily beautiful.

It was also my first experience with "frogging". If you're unfamiliar with the process, as I was, frogging is where you hunt frogs. To eat. I've eaten frog legs before (and they're delicious) but I've never been involved in the process, and I didn't particularly want to. You kill and capture frogs by basically spearing them with this long wooden stick with four razor sharp prongs at the end. It sounds like a really gruesome way to die, but the method actually kills the frogs quickly and painlessly. And then, after the frogs are stuck, you stick them in this special frog-holder-net-thing. It's crazy.

I felt even less bad for the frogs after I discovered how unintelligent they apparently are.

Picture this: You're a big, fat, green bullfrog. You're chilling out on a lily pad. Just waiting on some moths. Sitting there. Being a frog. All of the sudden, a really bright light shines on you, and you hear an extremely loud grinding noise, and a big metal thing a million times bigger than you pulls up next to you. You'd get the heck out of dodge, wouldn't you?

Apparently not. This amazed me. The frogs never ran. They never hopped away. They just sat there. And allowed themselves to become tomorrow's lunch. What?

Now, I'm not suggesting that creatures of lesser intelligence and self awareness (and common sense...) are less worthy of living, I'm just saying that at least the frogs weren't in a state of terror or panic at the time of death. They were just hanging out. "Oh, look, I almost didn't notice that large and obnoxiously loud boat less than a foot away from me! And there's a crazy mustached man with a death-stick! And he's shining a bright light on me! I wonder what that's about! Oh well, I'll just sit here and watch. Oh! Now I'm dead. Sucks."

Oh, and there were gators, lots and lots of gators. We spotted them by seeing the reflections of their eyes. My paw pulled up next to them and shined his helmet light on them so that we could watch. They're really such beautiful creatures. Other than those teeth. Most of them were really big, but we did spot a baby one that was about a foot long. My paw pulled up near it, got down from his seat (on airboats, in case you didn't know, the seats are elevated) reached over the side of the boat, and pulled the baby gator out of the water. The reptile was surprisingly calm. I named him Carlos. I got to touch him and he was really hard and scaly, but cute. Watching him swim away, I tried to imagine what his thought process was. The event probably traumatized him, and now I feel bad. Now he's going to grow up and abuse his kids.

We came back to my Nannan and Papaw's house, and my Nan and I made peanut butter fudge, which is delicious. I'm spending the night here, and going back home early tomorrow morning, because my Nan is going with my mom to court.

Oh. Yeah. I haven't mentioned this, but I guess I'll fill you guys in now. My mom is currently involved in a vicious custody battle. Her ex-husband (and my ex-stepfather), Tony, the father of three of my younger siblings, filed a random injunction against my mom accusing her of abusing my brother and sisters (not true, by the way, it's quite the opposite actually) so that he could get custody. Basically his entire motivation behind it is so that he won't have to pay child support anymore. It's a weird, messed up convoluted situation. But my mom hasn't been able to see them or talk to them in over a week, and it's breaking her heart. So that's part of why I'm here right now, to be here for her. It's a really tough time, I'm not going to lie, but what can you do but push through these sort of things, you know? I'll probably tell you guys more details on the situation tomorrow, but right now I have to write a letter telling about my mom's character and parenting ability for the courts tomorrow. Fun stuff.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dead. Again.

Today I spent a good majority of my day at my nannan's house, came back to my mom's for a bit, and then went on a repo with my stepdad. In case I haven't told you guys, my stepdad and mom own a repo and towing business. It's exciting, yes?

But I'm all tuckered out. Love you guys!

Monday, August 30, 2010


Wow. So. What a day.

Today I rolled out of bed at the painful hour of nine in the morning. I brushed my teeth, laundered my whites, and ate some pancakes.

At eleven o'clock, my dad and I piled in the car and he took me to a gas station in the middle of nowhere to meet up with my mom, and at that point I piled myself and all my luggage into her Chevy Tahoe and headed to my other home.

My new other home, actually. My mom moved while I was back at home. It's forty-five minutes closer now! The new house is really nice, it's a lot closer to civilization as well, which can be seen as a negative or a positive.

Also, I'm watching a Degrassi re-runs and hyperventilating over Munro Chambers's attractiveness.

After I got to the new house, my mom and stepdad and I got back into the Tahoe, and hooked a trailer to the back of it which held an airboat that my stepdad is selling and wanted to take to his dad's house to fix it up. He got the trailer and airboat from a pawn shop owner, so the trailer was kind of crappy. Not saying that pawn shop owners inherently abuse their trailers, but I'm saying my stepdad would never allow his own trailer to get into this sort of condition.

So we're driving down the road, and about ten minutes into the trip we hear a thump, and I whip my head around to see a tire rolling away down the road. A tire had popped off the trailer. So we pulled over on the side of the road, my stepdad inspected the damage, and then it was decided that my mother and I would wait with the boat & trailer on the side of the road in the middle of East Jesus Nowhere while my stepdad went back and got his friend Pepper to come back with an extra trailer and take care of it.

So my mother and I waited for a good thirty minutes. I laid out on the front of the boat and got some sun, and watched a small green caterpillar pace back and forth.

My stepdad came back with his tow truck, and his friend Pepper with his pickup truck and another trailer. We put the boat on Pepper's trailer to avoid any damage, and then stuck the wheel-less trailer on the back of my stepdad's tow truck, and rigged the part with the missing wheel so that it (hopefully) wouldn't drag.

Our rig fell apart shortly after we started moving, and the sound of the metal dragging on the asphalt at 60 mph was kind of awful. But I was laughing too hard to care. You know the yellow reflector things in the middle of the road? Yeah, we scraped several of those off on the way home. And there were sparks. Lots and lots of sparks.

We got home, fixed the trailer-boat situation, and then resumed our journey to Richard (my stepdad)'s parents house. I refer to his parents as Nannan and Papaw. Just so you know.

When we got there, I was attacked by a small, adorable but hyper four year old girl named Skyla who immediately declared me her friend and I was thrust into a active game of freeze-tag/catch/hide-and-seek. She wore me out. I sat and talked with my nannan and mom for a while and ate ice cream, because I'm a fattie.

Then we went to Wal-mart, where I bought a new tank top, eyeshadow, some fiber tablets, and the ingredients to make Mississippi Mud Cake. I made the cake as soon as we got back to the house, and pretty much destroyed my mother's beautiful kitchen in the process. Mississippi Mud Cake, for those of you who don't know, is a wonderfully rich and calorific dessert that consists of a wonderful chocolate sheet cake, a layer of melty marshmallows, and chocolate frosting with walnuts. It's pretty beautiful. Not gonna lie.

And then, here I am, at my mom's kitchen table, watching Degrassi.

Excuse me while I enter a chocolate-induced coma.

Saturday, August 28, 2010


The title of this blog is also the only possible way I could describe this day.

I woke up at 3 in the morning due to going to bed at an abnormally early hour, which was originally in anticipation of rising at 5:30 to get ready to help Alison paint her senior parking spot.

So I basically did a whole bunch of productive things in that couple of hours.

Alison wasn't texting me/showing up at my house at the time she'd originally stated, so I treated myself to a delicious breakfast of cinnamon toast and fruit (with sprinkles). It was the greatest thing. Finally Alison called me and informed me she'd be a little later than expected to my house, so I was allotted a nap. And when I woke up? Alison, Amy, and Bianca were all filing one by one into my house. At the time (eight-ish?) my dad was the only other person awake, so of course he was like, "lolwut why are all these underaged loudmouthed girls in my house" which was funny.

And then everyone sat down at my table, and out of habit, automatically helped themselves to the contents of my kitchen and told me about the shenanigans they'd gotten into the previous night. That made me smile, a lot. We were like one big crazy family.

But then Alison did the unthinkable. She started to make cinnamon toast- THE WRONG, DISGUSTING, IMMORAL WAY.

She- can you believe this?- put the bread in the toaster, took it out, spread the butter on, and then sprinkled on some cinnamon. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.

For your information, readers, this is not how you make cinnamon toast. You make cinnamon toast by getting a bowl, mixing and mashing together the butter (or other butter-flavored spread of your choosing) with lots of cinnamon, lots of sugar, and a teeny bit of vanilla, until it's an even consistency. Then you spread the mixture on the bread, covering it to the edges. You stick it in the oven for like 5-10 minutes, and then under the broiler for 1-2 minutes. And when it comes out, it's a beautiful, caramelized, crunchy-on-top-but-soft-on-the-inside creation of sugary buttery cinnamon bliss.

I don't mess around with my breakfast foods.

So after properly scolding Alison for her cinnamon sin bread, we all piled into into Amy and Alison's vehicles, and drove off to my old high school, a place I haven't been to since before graduation. But not really. It was only the parking lot. Which carries a lot of fond memories for me, mostly of sitting in Alison's car waiting for everyone else to leave because she was too timid to deal with the exit line and traffic. But there's also the sitting in Shelby's truck just talking before leaving, the times Taylor drove me home blasting his ska music, the time a chandelier was put into the bed of Ryan's truck... sigh. My senior year and I had a love/hate relationship, obviously.

This morning, the north side of the parking lot was filled with the scantily clad paint-covered bodies of the class of 2011, a rather sketchy bunch... This morning was all it took for me to fully understand Alison's intense (even more so than normal) hatred of going to school- these people kind of sucked. Amy and Bianca and I don't go to that school (anymore), so we felt above everyone, but poor Alison... she has to see those people every day. We were later than everyone else, but we did not care. We found Alison's parking spot (E7!) and went to work creating a giant swirly white flower, surrounded one side by blue and one side by black (we were only allowed to use our school colors, blue and white, in addition to silver & black) and her name in big block letters around the edges. The midmorning Florida sun was disgustingly hot, and the blacktop blistered our bare feet. By the end of it we were sweaty, covered in paint, sunburnt (well, I was the only one who got sunburnt, my Northern European genes do me no good in such situations), and just ready to leave. Which we did, eventually. Amy left first and then Bianca, and me and Alison last.

Alison and I went back to my house to regroup, which meant she laid on my bed and had a crisis, and then we went on adventure to solve said crisis, which required a lot of courage and nerve on her part, but in the end it was a relief. The solving of the crisis actually took up a good part of our energy and resolve today, and I wish I could tell you about it, but alas, it's too personal.

In celebration of the crisis-defeat, we went to Dunkin Donuts, and did what healthy people do- eat doughnuts and ice cream. Specifically, a marble frosted doughnut for her, a rainbow sprinkle with chocolate frosting doughnut for me, and two scoops of coffee-flavored ice cream to split. In fact, here's a picture, via Alison's twitpic. Enjoy that image. I know I did. I'm still thinking about it. It was absolutely gorgeous. Granted, it didn't agree so well with my stomach, which I had put two laxatives into that morning, thirty minutes later, but it was so, so worth it. My only regret is that I didn't buy a whole box for myself.

But that's a lie, I won't be eating ANYTHING tonight due to the current volatile and stubborn nature of my digestive system. And I can honestly say, I wouldn't even make an exception for more delicious, sugary, calorie-laden doughnuts. Honestly.

Then we came back to my house, collapsed on my bed, and looked at funny pictures on Tumblr. I stripped to my underwear to find that I now have a t-shirt & shorts tan line. Only it's not a tan line. It's a sunburn line. AND. On top of this, there are also random places around my leg where paint splattered and smeared on me, and when I peeled the paint off in the shower, and I literally have paint splatter tan lines. I look like a deformed dalmatian. And thanks to Safari's spell check, I just found I've been spelling "dalmatian" wrong my entire life. I've always put an "o" where the third "a" is. And now I feel stupid.

After Alison left my house, by no will or want of her own, and after my shower, I collapsed into one of the heaviest naps I've ever had the pleasure of taking. It was bliss. Sometime while I was sleeping, my dad came home from Ikea with the slats needed to complete my bed- oh yeah, for those of you who don't read my Tumblr, after all the stress and mayhem we went through to procure my fifty dollar bed frame (which we found literally AS THE STORE WAS CLOSING), we brought it home and assembled it only to find that it didn't include the bottom barred part that's required to hold up a mattress.

So, when I woke up from my nap, I groggily stumbled out of my room and to my dad's desk, and asked him, "WHAT DO WITH WOOD THINGS I DON'T KNOW FIX IT DAD PLEASE GRAAAWRRRRRGHHH". I'm really freaking pleasant when I first wake up.

So we assembled my bed. I'll miss my mattress-on-the-floor days, intensely. I felt like a monk or something for that whole period of time. But, it's cool to be in an actual bed like a civilized human being.

Then I showed my stepmom my sunburn and wrote this blog.


Thursday, August 26, 2010

Monkey & Bear

Today was a high stress day that involved me getting my new bed from Ikea and some not-entirely-necessary comments from my stepmother.

But that's not what this blog will be about.

This blog will be a follow-up from yesterday.

First off, before you guys jump to crazy conclusions about what it was I did yesterday, just know that it was nothing illegal, and I was comfortable enough to go to my biological mom for advice about it. What happened wasn't really something I did, it was something I allowed to happen, and it wasn't bad or wrong in and of itself, there's just some other issues at hand behind it.

Yesterday, when I was having a mild emotional breakdown over the "incident" on the phone with Alison, I made it sound like my main concern/problem with the situation had to do with other people. "Oh if this person knew, she would hate me" and "there is still emotional involvement here and here and it's not fair to anyone" and "but I like Vanilla Ice!" and "I don't want to be the rebound" and etc..

Then, last night, I was laying in bed, reading a cookbook and listening to Joanna Newsom on my iPod. The song Monkey & Bear came on, which is a beautiful, beautiful song, and I highly recommend you go listen to it, right now.

The song tells the story of a monkey and a bear who leave the circus, the monkey promising to provide the bear with friendship and freedom and happiness, but, as it turns out, the monkey is actually using the bear, and manipulates her into dancing and preforming for money just like she did for the circus. I'd explain it better, but you could just google the lyrics. In fact, go do that right now. I'll wait.

Welcome back! I'm assuming you read those lyrics, yeah? Okay. Well hopefully you gathered that the bear just wanted to be free, and when she realized the monkey was a stupid lying piece of dookie, she schemes to run away from the monkey. And she drowns trying to do so. But the message of the song is that freedom is worth everything. And that sometimes, our freedom as we perceive it is an illusion.

As you probably know, "Bree Bear" is a commonly used pet name for me by my friends and family, and I use different variations of the term for my internet aliases. It goes a little deeper than that. Bears are my favorite animal. When I was little they were my favorite part of the zoo (even though I felt bad that they were confined to such a small space with other bears crowding them), and for the longest time I actually told relatives that I was a bear cub when I was a baby, who somehow grew into a human toddler (I now look back on this, and wonder if it's a sign that I was reincarnated). I love bears. I identify with them. Bears are solitary creatures that like to sleep for long periods of time and can be cranky and eat a lot. That's me.

And the bear from "Monkey & Bear" is no exception to this rule.

It occurred to me while listening to this song, that Ursula(the bear's name in the song)'s feelings about her oppression and abuse at the hands of the monkey are identical to my own feelings about past relationships and relationships in general. I realized just how much I absolutely detest the thought of being in a relationship, how much I value my freedom and how I never want to give that up again. I am a bear. I am a solitary creature, I'm built to be happy this way. And that is worth everything.

I really owe Joanna Newsom for enabling me to have this epiphany and put these pieces together, and now I know what needs to happen.

Thank God for music.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


Today I hung out with old friends at McDonalds and the park.

And then I did something, or, was swept up in something, that I may or may not regret.

I don't know. I don't want to go into detail or specifics, because I can never be sure who reads this blog, but still. I have a splitting headache as well.

When things like this come up, my natural instinct is to usually pretend it's not happening, or run away/go into hiding for a while. All I can think about right now is how much I want to curl up in Alison's bed, and watch Balto with her forever and ever. Really.

And what I did isn't even that bad. It just isn't... right. I don't know. It's weighing on my mind so heavily right now, and it shouldn't be this much of an issue.

I love you guys though.

Monday, August 23, 2010



Okay so. Today I rolled out of bed to a quiet household, for the first time in God knows how long. My little sister, Felicity, started first grade today! And many of my friends returned to school as well. Which means until I find a job, I'll be spending lots of quiet time at home.

Alison stopped by after her day at school, and together we enjoyed freshly baked cookies and grilled cheese and coffee while she told me all about the horrors of public high school. I thought I would feel left out, originally, because this year should be my senior year and all, and everyone is going back without me, but strangely enough, I didn't. It felt so good to spend my morning Skyping and watching Skins with Ally.

Then Alison and I watched MORE Skins, because she's still working her way through series 2.

After she left I felt really sad.

Also the attractive waiter from Carlos & Charlie's (whose name is Anthony) texted her. My excitement for my best friend cannot be kept quiet.

I had to babysit Felicity tonight while my parents took Diesel to his training class. Fun stuff. I also watched Driving Lessons. It didn't quite live up to my ridiculously high expectations for it, but I loved it nonetheless. It's a coming-of-age story, and it's worth watching. Rupert Grint is adorable and perfect, etc.

I can't wait to watch Degrassi tonight and go to sleep, you have no idea. Also, I've been doing these exercises to help tone my back lately (in addition to my regular routine) and I feel absolutely destroyed afterwards, so I think they're working.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Milly and Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

Thank you to Carolyn, Claire, Lauryn, and Olivia! You guys are the sweetest. It's really flattering that you guys think my life is exciting enough to read about, it means a lot.

Last night I went to bead around ten, but I was woken up at midnight by Latin music. Yes, Latin music. I ran to my window to see a live Mariachi band playing across the street from my house, and all my Hispanic neighbors outside with beer and food and festivities! I wanted so badly to go out and join the party, but I didn't want to wake up my parents, plus I'm too shy to walk up to a random party like that. If I had had Amy or Alison with me though, we totally would've done it. So instead, I sat out on my patio and watched and listened to the music.

I came back inside, and watched La Vie En Rose (one of my favorite movies of all time) and talked to my friend Bradley(who I actually dated once)'s current girlfriend, Heather. We've always been friendly acquaintances, but last night we actually had a really good conversation that lasted a couple hours. I like her a lot, and she's a couple years younger than me but she lives right down the street from me.

Then I woke up this morning, talked on the phone with Alison for a bit, and then I went thrifting with my new friend Milly. Milly is this really sweet, pretty girl who was in my driver's ed class in junior year but we've never actually talked. But apparently, we mutually Facebook/Tumblr stalked each other. So today we hung out for the first time. I really like her and I hope we start hanging out more regularly!

I got two new movies that I've been really wanting to see, but are impossible to find, The Science of Sleep and Driving Lessons. So I'm very excited about that.

Anyway, I'm very very tired, so I'm going to get some rest. Goodnight!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Attractive waiters and self discovery

So sorry for skipping yet another day last night, but I wasn't at home, obviously.

Last night had to be one of the funnest nights of my summer. In celebration of Alison's birthday, I went out with Alison, Bianca, and Amy and had a really amazing time.

I got all dressed up, cute dress and heels, pretty makeup and hair (which sadly got killed by the Florida humidity) and Alison came and picked me up, and we met the other two girls at Bianca's house. After making ourselves look as attractive as possible, we went to this restaurant called Carlos and Charlie's. It's a nice enough place, the atmosphere is really really fun, there's dancing and a bar, and really, really good Mexican food, but the highlight of the whole experience is the super attractive waiters. Our waiter's name was "Craigilicious" and he was so much fun.

The greatest thing was that Craigilicious and this other (even more attractive) waiter would always stop and talk to us and joke with us and they were really funny and nice. The more attractive one knew Bianca and Alison by name because they go there so much. BUT THE BEST PART was when the attractive waiter came over to our table and was like, "Do you girls like to party?" and we were just like, "uh........" and he goes on to tell us how he's having a house party next week and he invited us to come and had us all write our numbers on this piece of paper and just SINCE WHEN DOES THIS HAPPEN IN MY LIFE?! And I know to you guys this whole situation probably sounds extremely sketchy, but, he was super nice, he's nineteen, a college student, and just. Gah. I can't even.

But beyond the super attractive and charismatic waiters, the food was really delicious and the company was awesome. I split some cheese enchiladas with Amy, and they were superb. Then, since it was Alison's birthday, all the waiters came over banging these big drums and they were all, "IT'S ALISON'S BIRTHDAY, SHE'S LEGAL! LET'S SING TO HER!" and they brought her a cute little cupcake. And then the one waiter gave her a cranberry juice "shot". And she kept the shot glass. Because we're wonderful people.

The whole thing was concluded with this amazingly delicious chocolate marquis with vanilla ice cream. Oh my god. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever tasted in my life.

Amy had to leave early, which made me sad. But the car ride back to Bianca's with Bianca and Alison was filled with squeals of delight and complaints about having to pee. We got back to Bianca's and we laid on her bed for hours and just talked, about pretty much everything. We discussed one topic in particular in great length, about a certain person who has negative influence on our lives and the effect it's had... And when I was trying to fall asleep that night (which was difficult due to the presence of a "decrepit camera hand" outside of Bianca's window) I just thought to myself, "Hey, why is this person still in my life if it only makes me feel bad?"

I fell asleep and had a bad dream about my stepmom turning crazy evil.

When we woke up this morning, we gorged ourselves on waffles and banana bread and strawberry Pop-Tart. And we did lots more talking, in particular about Posh Spice, and how he's so completely out of my life now... And how amazing that is, and what a great effect it's had on me as a person. It made me realize how thankful I am for how things turned out, and how much happier I am with myself now, and what a terrible friend/boyfriend he really was, and I REALLY DON'T NEED HIM AFTER ALL YAYYYY.

Then Alison drove me home, and I came home to an empty house, which is the best feeling, and I wrote this blog entry. Because I am happy.

I love you guys, a lot.