Sunday, October 3, 2010

Love and other novelties.

So when I woke up today, I felt it was going to be a very slow, but gorgeous fall day. My grandfather came over to help my dad put up some blinds, and my sister and I went on a leisurely fall stroll.

Around five o'clock, my phone rang, and on the other end my old friend JP asked me what I was doing. "Nothing," I said. In fact, I was rereading Prisoner of Azkaban. "Well, can you come outside and see me and Ryan?" he asked. So I went outside and there they were. They were in the neighborhood because they were going to this youth group place with Posh Spice and they had arrived to early and wanted to say hey.

So we sat in my neighbor's driveway for like an hour and just talked. Then Posh Spice called JP on his cell and told him that he was home or whatever, so they were going to get up and leave to walk to his house, and I figured I'd walk with them and say hey to Posh Spice just to be polite...

Okay. I'm tired of calling him Posh Spice. You all know his name anyway.

So anyway we get to Josh's house and I was flooded with a feeling of nostalgia and warmth. Josh opened the door, said hey to all of us, but within a split second his mom (who was in the living room behind Joshy) and I spotted each other and literally ran at each other and hugged for like a solid five minutes. Instantly we started talking and catching up, and the boys went into Joshy's room (I'm not sure what they were doing but it's not important) and his mom and I talked about my school plans and life and how things are going for us and all sorts of things.

Then the boys came out of the bedroom to leave, and they were saying their goodbyes. Josh asked if he could have a hug and I sort of agreed. I didn't stand up for him though. Then they left and his mom and I talked until nine o'clock. She also gave me a cupcake. We discussed our shared anxiety problems and my issues with my mom and all sorts of things.

Just being in that house was really emotional for me. I used to spend such a majority of my time there, especially around this time of year last year. I think during all of Christmas break I only ever went back to my house to sleep... and even then, I did the majority of my napping on their living room couch. That was my second home. And she told me about how Josh's grandparents always ask about me... it hit me pretty hard, not going to lie, in a mix of good and bad. It was so hard to leave... I miss that house. I miss the feelings associated with that house. I miss the warmth and security and the love.

I mean, I know that this is not the best time to start missing my life with Josh, since we just became somewhat cool again, but still. I'm not saying I'm not over him. I'm definitely over him. I'm just not over his family, I guess. Especially since now everything is crazy and unpredictable, and the Singer family used to be my one constant.

He broke off such a big chunk of me when he broke up with me. I lost so many good traits, like my ability to trust, my ability to comfortably give and receive affection, my blissful fairy tale outlook on life. But with every negative there is a positive, and I lost a lot of my bad traits as well. I lost my possessive nature, I lost my tendency to look outside of myself for security, and I've lost my brainless, blind trust instincts.

I've just accepted now that I'm not a secure person, and no one can give me that. I've accepted that I'm never going to be someone's favorite or their top priority. I've accepted that no one should ever be expected to put up with me. I've accepted that I'm kind of a crazy vindictive bitch. And that sounds absolutely miserable doesn't it? But the thing is, it's not. Because realizing these things has freed me. And from there, I can fix and make repairs.

So I guess when I talk about my disbelief in love and my lack of faith in relationships, I'm only speaking for myself. The majority of people out there deserve and are capable of healthy, happy, functional relationship. I'm just not one of those people.

It's whatevz.

1 comment:

  1. sounds like your having a great time. i hope you do get back to writing daily beacuse i really enjoy reading you blog. sorry for sound like a creeper lol. <3