But that's not what this blog will be about.
This blog will be a follow-up from yesterday.
First off, before you guys jump to crazy conclusions about what it was I did yesterday, just know that it was nothing illegal, and I was comfortable enough to go to my biological mom for advice about it. What happened wasn't really something I did, it was something I allowed to happen, and it wasn't bad or wrong in and of itself, there's just some other issues at hand behind it.
Yesterday, when I was having a mild emotional breakdown over the "incident" on the phone with Alison, I made it sound like my main concern/problem with the situation had to do with other people. "Oh if this person knew, she would hate me" and "there is still emotional involvement here and here and it's not fair to anyone" and "but I like Vanilla Ice!" and "I don't want to be the rebound" and etc..
Then, last night, I was laying in bed, reading a cookbook and listening to Joanna Newsom on my iPod. The song Monkey & Bear came on, which is a beautiful, beautiful song, and I highly recommend you go listen to it, right now.
The song tells the story of a monkey and a bear who leave the circus, the monkey promising to provide the bear with friendship and freedom and happiness, but, as it turns out, the monkey is actually using the bear, and manipulates her into dancing and preforming for money just like she did for the circus. I'd explain it better, but you could just google the lyrics. In fact, go do that right now. I'll wait.
Welcome back! I'm assuming you read those lyrics, yeah? Okay. Well hopefully you gathered that the bear just wanted to be free, and when she realized the monkey was a stupid lying piece of dookie, she schemes to run away from the monkey. And she drowns trying to do so. But the message of the song is that freedom is worth everything. And that sometimes, our freedom as we perceive it is an illusion.
As you probably know, "Bree Bear" is a commonly used pet name for me by my friends and family, and I use different variations of the term for my internet aliases. It goes a little deeper than that. Bears are my favorite animal. When I was little they were my favorite part of the zoo (even though I felt bad that they were confined to such a small space with other bears crowding them), and for the longest time I actually told relatives that I was a bear cub when I was a baby, who somehow grew into a human toddler (I now look back on this, and wonder if it's a sign that I was reincarnated). I love bears. I identify with them. Bears are solitary creatures that like to sleep for long periods of time and can be cranky and eat a lot. That's me.
And the bear from "Monkey & Bear" is no exception to this rule.
It occurred to me while listening to this song, that Ursula(the bear's name in the song)'s feelings about her oppression and abuse at the hands of the monkey are identical to my own feelings about past relationships and relationships in general. I realized just how much I absolutely detest the thought of being in a relationship, how much I value my freedom and how I never want to give that up again. I am a bear. I am a solitary creature, I'm built to be happy this way. And that is worth everything.
I really owe Joanna Newsom for enabling me to have this epiphany and put these pieces together, and now I know what needs to happen.
Thank God for music.