I know, I know, I know.

You all hate me right now.
And that's perfectly understandable. I've been a terrible blogger, as of late. I've been a terrible YouTuber, as well. I've just been a terrible "internet personality" (to use my dad's word for it) all around lately and I take full responsibility for it. I think the anticipation of facing you guys has made it worse, like "oh, I've been gone so long, how do I even begin..?" sort of thing.

I promise I'm not going to run around making terrible excuses like "I've been busy!" or anything like that. Because honestly I'm not any more busy than I've ever been. I'd say it's more of an issue of distraction. There's been a lot going on!

The past few weeks or so I've

• spent unhealthy amounts of time on Amy's couch watching Supernatural
• spent unhealthy amounts of time on Tumblr
• had Vanilla Ice re-enter my life
• started regularly seeing a therapist. Her name is Vicky, and she's wonderful. I'm so glad I got up the nerve to start seeing her, she's really helpful.
• been reading a lot of books on eating disorders and such, as per Vicky's recommendation. Also very helpful.
  
• become the official baker of my friends' band, Bring Forth The Attack
• had my mom total my car while she was driving it without permission. She was texting at the wheel. She's fine, but my car is destroyed beyond repair and I'm basically screwed for college and she's run off and it's all really dramatic and I don't have a car anymore.
• let my weight creep up to 115 pounds, but got back on top of it and now I'm down to a tidy 108.
• shamelessly acquired the new Taylor Swift album, and it may or may not have been on repeat for the past three days.

So yeah, I think you're pretty much up to speed now.

My life is downright magical. This is a novel.

OKAY PREPARE FOR A SUPER LONG POST, DETAILING THE PAST TWO DAYS, AND LOTS AND LOTS OF ANGST.

So yesterday was Friday, and I did what I always do on Fridays.

I got my dad to take me to the mall to meet up with Amy so I could stay at her house, after which Amy and I went to Starbucks to redeem the free drink card my grandfather gave me. We got a venti double chocolaty chip frappucino, and so begins my weekend of gluttony.

When we entered Amy's cul de sac, we stopped to see Tyler and that was lovely, and then Michael stopped by and I love him and his new car greatly.

Amy and I went inside, watched a few episodes of Supernatural and ate candy corn, Hershey's kisses, chips, greek salad, and mashed potatoes with bacon. Start keeping track.

Around ten thirty Amy's sister, who goes to college in Atlanta showed up with one of her college friends in tow, to visit her home for the weekend. I've actually never met Casey, but she was very nice and lovely and I liked her a lot.

A little while after Casey showed up, Amy and I went to JJ's for a party, as usual. It was absolutely packed this time around, but it was mostly people we didn't know and some of our favorites (Aria, Bryan, David) weren't there, but we had fun making new friends nonetheless. We made a ton of new friends actually. I also experienced a very important "first" (well technically it's a "second" but I don't really count the other time because it was kind of a fail) as a teenager. And it was interesting.

Around one o'clock in the morning Amy started wanting bacon, and JJ informed us that she had some in her freezer... Amy attempted making the bacon herself, but in her mental state at the time, it proved to be too frustrating for her. So I took over, and very calmly made the microwavable frozen bacon for my best friend. As I was thawing the bacon under hot water, some white guy with dreads came over and asked me about it. He thought it was a pretty bangin' idea too. Anyway, the bacon came out hot and crispy and we made even more friends because everyone wanted some.

Cue a somewhat pathetic scene where Amy and I flopped backwards onto a half-inflated air mattress used as a couch with a giant plate of bacon.

Two o'clock in the morning, JJ and Amy and I wanted Steak 'n Shake.

And I must say, it was one of the most magical moments of my life. I don't know why. There was just something about being in the back of JJ's car, middle of the night, good feelings, windows down, driving fast, singing along at the top of our lungs to some old All Time Low song we loved in freshman year that made me feel truly alive.

We got to Steak 'n Shake and I had chicken tenders and fries and ketchup and it was wonderful.

When we got home, Casey and her friend from college were in Amy's hot tub so we stuck our feet in and talked with them for a while, and decided to watch Get Him to the Greek, but Amy and I were so tired from a night of partying that we had to go to sleep. This was around four or five AM.

Then at 9:45 AM the next morning, my phone alarm went off and I forced myself into Amy's shower. Her shampoo and conditioner is awesome. Then we went to an art festival in Winter Park with her mom, and it was lovely. We saw a lot of interesting artwork and people, and we got to eat Italian ices. Afterward, we made a trip to Costco and bought a tray of peppermint bark.

Back at Amy's, we ate about half the peppermint bark while watching MORE Supernatural.

Around six o'clock we got ready and such to go to a 7 o'clock show at The Gate. Amy and I are friends with at least a couple people in most of the bands that were playing. There was Above All Eternity (my friend Ricky), Awaken Great City (our friends Ian, Chris, and Keith), Bring Forth the Attack (our friends Kyle/Vanilla Ice, Bradley, Taylor, Stephen, Ryan, JP), Author Creator (featuring Josh...), and Messengers (I don't actually know anybody in Messengers).

The experience was... unique. The music was good, for hardcore music, and it's so strange to see how much my friends have improved. I don't like their particular genre that much, but I still like to support them.

The crowd was... pretty much an awkward reunion for me. There were plenty of people that I was happy to see, including all of the boys in the bands mentioned above; plus Alison, Chelsea, Michael, Kayla, Ginger!Alison, Heather, and so many others... Plus I met a lot of new people, as well as talked to a few people that I've only ever talked to online. So that was good. But there were plenty of people that I wasn't so happy to see. There were a lot of really obnoxious people from my high school, as well as at least four other people I have personal vendettas against.

On top of that, my friend Taylor informed me that the reason he has gone from my best friend to never answering my calls/texts is because his girlfriend I guess sees me as a threat. Which I can completely understand because I've been on the other side of that, but still. I'd never steal someone else's boyfriend, you know? So that stung, and seeing her just made me uncomfortable.

Oh and Josh greeted me with a forehead poke and a hug. Which I mean, I'm cool with us being on friendly terms and all, but it's too soon for a hug. Could we just start with waves or high fives or something? We can work our way up to hugs, but for me it's too soon, since I still get kind of queasy when I see him.

He also gave me a hand hug and I was unpleasantly reminded of how perfectly our fingers fit together. I kind of want to kill myself for writing that previous sentence, I really do, but I'm being honest here. I'll make up for it by telling you guys that I think his new mullet was a really bad idea.

Oh and also I bumped into Michelle which was really awkward but it forced me into explaining myself and why I have been ignoring her for so long. I let it all out in one long train of word vomit, and I think she kind of understood but it's going to be difficult for me to work towards any sort of friendship again.

The show ended, and almost everyone decided to meet up at Steak 'n Shake.

I don't know if you've ever experienced a group of over thirty teenagers in a Steak 'n Shake after a concert, so I'm really sorry that I have no words to describe it to you with. But I had a steakburger with cheese and fries and ketchup and shared a chocolate milkshake with Amy and it was lovely.

We said goodbye to all our new friends, and Amy brought me home and now I am crying because I miss her and I don't know what to do with myself.

Milk of Magnesia is gross.

Wow okay. Fail.

So last night I was at the mall with my friend Daniella for the first time in forever, trying to find her some new shoes and a new sweater (she just got her financial aid and wanted to celebrate). At one point we were in Charlotte Russe trying on shoes, and the manager was assisting us. This girl was so pretty and nice and really funny, and somehow it was easy to open up in front of her. It must've helped having Daniella there.

At one point I told her that I really liked her boots and she asked if I'd like a pair to try on. I told her how I was currently unemployed and in no position to buy new boots. AND THEN SHE ASKED ME TO FILL OUT AN APPLICATION.

Obviously I got really excited and said sure because Charlotte Russe is one of my favorite stores, and any sort of job would be wonderful, let alone one where I could wear my own clothes.

But then of course, she asked my least favorite question in the entire world.

"How old are you though?"

And obviously I couldn't lie, so I told her I was seventeen, but I mentioned that I do have a high school diploma, but she said they didn't make exceptions but she was also like, "I would love to hire you though, you're adorable and dress cute and seem really bubbly. Come back when you're eighteen and you have a job."

Too bad my birthday isn't for seven months.

This is why graduating early is a blessing and a curse. I got out of high school a year early, but I'm too young to get hired anywhere that's not McDonald's or Publix or some other menial job where 90% of the employees are people I went to high school with. Working in an air conditioned clothing store where I get to dress cute and listen to good music all day would be ideal for me at this stage in my life, but unfortunately I'm too freaking little.

In other news, I had a doctor's appointment this morning, regarding my digestive health. I was diagnosed with IBS. Which is no fun. I now have to take milk of Magnesia every night, which, in case you don't know, is the most disgusting substance ever. On top of that, I have to go back on November 11th to see if they need to bump me up to a prescription medication and to have bloodwork done to make sure I don't have a thyroid problem. The doctor also informed me that I'll probably deal with IBS for the rest of my life.

Awesome.

Part of my treatment though, is walking for 30+ minutes every day, and I'm definitely a fan of that. The weather is so nice right now, and I'm happy for an excuse to enjoy it.



Oh, and I think I know the cure to my recent blog laziness.

I believe it's time for a blog makeover.

Meaning, possibly some layout/stylistic changes. I think my blog is currently a little drab... Time to spice it up a little, no?

Love and other novelties.

So when I woke up today, I felt it was going to be a very slow, but gorgeous fall day. My grandfather came over to help my dad put up some blinds, and my sister and I went on a leisurely fall stroll.

Around five o'clock, my phone rang, and on the other end my old friend JP asked me what I was doing. "Nothing," I said. In fact, I was rereading Prisoner of Azkaban. "Well, can you come outside and see me and Ryan?" he asked. So I went outside and there they were. They were in the neighborhood because they were going to this youth group place with Posh Spice and they had arrived to early and wanted to say hey.

So we sat in my neighbor's driveway for like an hour and just talked. Then Posh Spice called JP on his cell and told him that he was home or whatever, so they were going to get up and leave to walk to his house, and I figured I'd walk with them and say hey to Posh Spice just to be polite...

Okay. I'm tired of calling him Posh Spice. You all know his name anyway.

So anyway we get to Josh's house and I was flooded with a feeling of nostalgia and warmth. Josh opened the door, said hey to all of us, but within a split second his mom (who was in the living room behind Joshy) and I spotted each other and literally ran at each other and hugged for like a solid five minutes. Instantly we started talking and catching up, and the boys went into Joshy's room (I'm not sure what they were doing but it's not important) and his mom and I talked about my school plans and life and how things are going for us and all sorts of things.

Then the boys came out of the bedroom to leave, and they were saying their goodbyes. Josh asked if he could have a hug and I sort of agreed. I didn't stand up for him though. Then they left and his mom and I talked until nine o'clock. She also gave me a cupcake. We discussed our shared anxiety problems and my issues with my mom and all sorts of things.

Just being in that house was really emotional for me. I used to spend such a majority of my time there, especially around this time of year last year. I think during all of Christmas break I only ever went back to my house to sleep... and even then, I did the majority of my napping on their living room couch. That was my second home. And she told me about how Josh's grandparents always ask about me... it hit me pretty hard, not going to lie, in a mix of good and bad. It was so hard to leave... I miss that house. I miss the feelings associated with that house. I miss the warmth and security and the love.

I mean, I know that this is not the best time to start missing my life with Josh, since we just became somewhat cool again, but still. I'm not saying I'm not over him. I'm definitely over him. I'm just not over his family, I guess. Especially since now everything is crazy and unpredictable, and the Singer family used to be my one constant.

He broke off such a big chunk of me when he broke up with me. I lost so many good traits, like my ability to trust, my ability to comfortably give and receive affection, my blissful fairy tale outlook on life. But with every negative there is a positive, and I lost a lot of my bad traits as well. I lost my possessive nature, I lost my tendency to look outside of myself for security, and I've lost my brainless, blind trust instincts.

I've just accepted now that I'm not a secure person, and no one can give me that. I've accepted that I'm never going to be someone's favorite or their top priority. I've accepted that no one should ever be expected to put up with me. I've accepted that I'm kind of a crazy vindictive bitch. And that sounds absolutely miserable doesn't it? But the thing is, it's not. Because realizing these things has freed me. And from there, I can fix and make repairs.

So I guess when I talk about my disbelief in love and my lack of faith in relationships, I'm only speaking for myself. The majority of people out there deserve and are capable of healthy, happy, functional relationship. I'm just not one of those people.

It's whatevz.

BEDO attempt #2.

Okay so. I know I haven't been the most reliable with the blog posts lately. I KNOW. It's just that once you get out of the swing of things, it's very hard to get back into it.

So I guess I came back to my dad's house on Thursday. And then yesterday around five o'clock in the afternoon, my dad dropped me off at the mall, and I wandered around there for about an hour waiting on Amy. It was overcrowded with 14 year old scene kids. I spent the majority of my time in the bookstore, and I found out there's actually a Harry Potter cook book? Do want.

Finally, Amy arrived, with our dear friend Tyler in tow. We drove back to Amy and Tyler's cul de sac blasting Lil Wayne, and then Amy and I proceeded to watch a couple episodes of Supernatural with her momma. It was lovely.

Around nine o'clock JJ was in Amy's driveway, and we got in her car and went on an adventure. On our adventure, we got pulled over for speeding (50 in a 35 mile per hour zone...). But we were extra screwed because JJ's tag was wrong, and she didn't have her license on her. After JJ gave the cop the registration and gave him her full name and birth date so that he could confirm that she did have a valid driver's license, we had to sit in the car for what seemed like forever, and JJ was on the verge of a panic attack.

Finally the cop told JJ to step out of the car, via his megaphone. Of course Amy and I assumed this meant the worst, that she was going to get arrested or something. Amy and I waited inside the car, watching. To our pleasant surprise, she didn't get handcuffed. When JJ got back in the car, she was laughing. Apparently the cop informed her that he could have written her three different tickets. The first option, he said, was that he could give her a 200 and something dollar speeding ticket. The second, was that she'd get a 100 and something dollar fine PLUS go to jail for not having the right tag. But, much to JJ's relief, instead he was going to give her a 100-dollar ticket for not having her license on her, but told her that if she went to the DMV and presented the ticket and got a new license, she'd only have to pay 15.

Words cannot express how relieved and happy we were.

JJ spent the rest of the drive swearing up and down she'd never speed again.

We reached our destination shortly afterwards- a party at JJ's friend Zac's house. When we first got there there weren't many people. But by the time we had to leave at 2 AM, it was packed. It was really fun, looking back. There were so many wonderful people there from parties past, including Aria (the Joseph Gordon-Levitt lookalike), Chelsea (the photographer), Ally (the greatest person I have ever met), and Bryan (just wonderful). I also met a whole slew of new wonderful people as well, which is always my favorite. Then of course, JJ was being absolutely insane and Amy provided us with snarky comments throughout the night, and I was just in love with everyone, dancing with Bryan and photo bombing with Aria and just general wonderfulness. It was one of those nights where it felt good to be alive.

I also told this girl Taylor (who I've met a couple of times before but never actually talked to) about Alison and I's pancake cake. I think it changed her life.

Then of course, JJ drove Amy and I back to Amy's house, where we ate cookies and cheezits and watched Titanic.

When we woke up this morning Amy had a doctor's appointment (because she's itchy) so I went with her to that. We had to wait in the little examination room for an hour because I guess they got backed up, so by the time the doctor came in, we were jamming out to Usher on Amy's phone and coloring and eating starbursts and causing general mayhem.

After he wrote her prescription, we went to Walgreen's to drop it off, and we discovered that there was 3 for 5 deal on ice cream... so we bought three pints of Blue Bell ("Great Divide", mint chocolate chip, and cookie dough), and went home and gorged ourselves on chicken and ice cream, while watching more Supernatural of course.

And then she drove me home, and here I am. Miserable and sick and wishing I were still with Amy and wishing I were at JJ's because there's another party going on tonight and wishing that my dad weren't such a jerk sometimes and wishing that I could magically lose ten pounds.

But it's all good, because I have awesome new tagged photos on my Facebook now.